Conjugial Love, by Emanuel Swedenborg,  at sacred-texts.com
XV. THERE ARE ALSO CAUSES OF SEPARATION. There are separations from the bed and also from the house. There are several causes of such separations; but we are here treating of legitimate causes. As the causes of separation coincide with the causes of concubinage, which are treated of in the latter part of this work in their own chapter, the reader is referred thereto that he may see the causes in their order. The legitimate causes of separation are the following.252.
XVI. THE FIRST CAUSE OF LEGITIMATE SEPARATION IS A VITIATED STATE OF MIND. The reason of this is, because conjugial love is a conjunction of minds; if therefore the mind of one of the parties takes a direction different from that of the other, such conjunction is dissolved, and with the conjunction the love vanishes. The states of vitiation of the mind which cause separation, may appear from an enumeration of them; they are for the most part, the following: madness, frenzy, furious wildness, actual foolishness and idiocy, loss of memory, violent hysterics, extreme silliness so as to admit of no perception of good and truth, excessive stubbornness in refusing to obey what is just and equitable; excessive pleasure in talkativeness and conversing only on insignificant and trifling subjects; an unbridled desire to publish family secrets, also to quarrel, to strike, to take revenge, to do evil, to steal, to tell lies, to deceive, to blaspheme; carelessness about the children, intemperance, luxury, excessive prodigality, drunkenness, uncleanness, immodesty, application to magic and witchcraft, impiety, with several other causes. By legitimate causes we do not here mean judicial causes, but such as are legitimate in regard to the other married partner; separation from the house also is seldom ordained in a court of justice.253.
XVII. THE SECOND CAUSE OF LEGITIMATE SEPARATION IS A VITIATED STATE OF BODY. By vitiated states of body we do not mean accidental diseases, which happen to either of the married partners during their marriage, and from which they recover; but we mean inherent diseases, which are permanent. The science of pathology teaches what these are. They are manifold, such as diseases whereby the whole body is so far infected that the contagion may prove fatal; of this nature are malignant and pestilential fevers, leprosies, the venereal disease, gangrenes, cancers, and the like; also diseases whereby the whole body is so far weighed down, as to admit of no consociability, and from which exhale dangerous effluvia and noxious vapors, whether from the surface of the body, or from its inward parts, in particular from the stomach and lungs; from the surface of the body proceed malignant pocks, warts, pustules, scorbutic phthisic, virulent scab, especially if the face be defiled thereby: from the stomach proceed foul, stinking, rank and crude eructations: from the lungs, filthy and putrid exhalations, arising from imposthumes, ulcers, abcesses, or from vitiated blood or lymph therein. Besides these there are also various other diseases, as lipothamia, which is a total faintness of body and defect of strength; paralysis, which is a loosing and relaxation of the membranes and ligaments which serve for motion; certain chronic diseases, arising from a loss of the sensibility and elasticity of the nerves, or from too great a thickness; tenacity, and acrimony of the humors; epilepsy; fixed weakness arising from apoplexy; certain phthisical complaints, whereby the body is wasted; the cholic, cæliac affection, rupture, and other like diseases.254.
XVIII. THE THIRD CAUSE OF LEGITIMATE SEPARATION IS IMPOTENCE BEFORE MARRIAGE. The reason why this is a cause of separation is, because the end of marriage is the procreation of children, which cannot take place where this cause of separation operates; and as this is foreknown by the parties, they are deliberately deprived of the hope of it, which hope nevertheless nourishes and strengthens their conjugial love.255.
XIX. ADULTERY IS THE CAUSE OF DIVORCE. There are several reasons for this, which are discernible in rational light, and yet at this day they are concealed. From rational light it may be seen that marriages are holy and adulteries profane; and thus that marriages and adulteries are diametrically opposite to each other; and that when opposites act upon each other, one destroys the other even to the last spark of its life. This is the case with conjugial love, when a married person commits adultery from a confirmed principle, and thus from a deliberate purpose. With those who know anything of heaven and hell, these things are more clearly discernible by the light of reason: for they know that marriages are in and from heaven, and that adulteries are in and from hell, and that these two cannot be conjoined, as heaven cannot be conjoined with hell, and that instantly, if they are conjoined with man (_homo_), heaven recedes, and hell enters. Hence then it is, that adultery is the cause of divorce; wherefore the Lord saith, that "_whosoever shall put away his wife, except for whoredom, and shall marry another, committeth adultery_," Matt. xix. 9. He saith, if, except for whoredom, he shall put away his wife, and marry another, he committeth adultery; because putting away for this cause is a plenary separation of minds, which is called divorce; whereas other kinds of putting away, grounded in their particular causes are separations, of which we have just treated; after these, if another wife is married, adultery is committed; but not so after a divorce.256.
XX. THERE ARE ALSO SEVERAL ACCIDENTAL CAUSES OF COLD; THE FIRST OF WHICH IS, THAT ENJOYMENT IS COMMON (OR CHEAP), BECAUSE CONTINUALLY ALLOWED. The reason why this consideration is an accidental cause of cold is, because it exists with those who think lasciviously respecting marriage and a wife, but not with those who think holily respecting marriage, and securely respecting a wife. That from being common (or cheap) in consequence of being continually allowed, even joys become indifferent, and also tiresome, is evident from the case of pastimes and public shows, musical entertainments, dancing, feasting, and the like, which in themselves are agreeable, because vivifying. The case is the same with the intimacy and connection between married partners, especially between those who have not removed the unchaste love of the sex from the love which they bear to each other; and when they think of enjoyment's being common (or cheap) in consequence of being continually allowed, they think vainly in the absence of the faculty of enjoyment. That this consideration is to such persons a cause of cold is self-evident. It is called accidental, because it joins inward cold as a cause, and ranks on its side as a reason. To remove the cold arising from this circumstance, it is usual with wives, from the prudence implanted in them, to offer resistance to what is allowable. But the case is altogether otherwise with those who think chastely respecting wives; wherefore with the angels the consideration of enjoyment's being common in consequence of being continually allowed, is the very delight of their souls, and contains their conjugial love; for they are continually in the delight of that love, and in its ultimates according to the presence of their minds uninterrupted by cares, thus from the decisions of the judgement of the husbands.257.
XXI. OF ACCIDENTAL CAUSES OF COLD THE SECOND IS, THAT LIVING WITH A MARRIED PARTNER, FROM A COVENANT AND CONTRACT, SEEMS FORCED AND NOT FREE. This cause operates only with those with whom conjugial love in the inmost principles is cold; and since it unites with internal cold, it becomes an additional or accidental cause. With such persons, extra-conjugial love, arising from consent and the favor thereof, is interiorly in heat; for the cold of the one is the heat of the other; which, if it is not sensibly felt, is still within, yea, in the midst of cold; and unless it was thus also within, there would be no reparation. This heat is what constitutes the force or compulsion, which is increased in proportion as, by one of the parties, the covenant grounded in agreement and the contract grounded in what is just, are regarded as bonds not to be violated; it is otherwise if those bonds are loosed by each of the parties. The case is reversed with those who have rejected extra-conjugial love as detestable, and think of conjugial love as of what is heavenly and heaven; and the more so if they perceive it to be so: with such that covenant with its articles of agreement, and that contract with its sanctions, are inscribed on their hearts, and are continually being inscribed thereon more and more. In this case the bond of that love is neither secured by a covenant agreed upon, nor by a law enacted; but both covenant and law are from creation implanted in the love itself, which influences the parties; from the latter (namely, the covenant and the law implanted from creation in the love itself) are derived the former (namely, the covenant and law) in the world, but not _vice versa_. Hence, whatever relates to that love is felt as free; neither is there any freedom but what is of love: and I have heard from the angels, that love truly conjugial is most free, because it is the love of loves.258.
XXII. OF ACCIDENTAL CAUSES OF COLD THE THIRD IS, AFFIRMATION ON THE PART OF THE WIFE, AND HER TALKING INCESSANTLY ABOUT LOVE. With the angels in heaven there is no refusal and repugnance on the part of the wives, as there is with some wives on earth: with the angels in heaven also the wives converse about love, and are not silent as some wives on earth; but the causes of these differences I am not allowed to declare, because it would be unbecoming; nevertheless they are declared in four MEMORABLE RELATIONS at the close of the chapters, by the angels' wives, who freely speak of them to their husbands, by the three in the hall over which there was a golden shower, and by the seven who were sitting in a rosary. These memorable relations are adduced, to the end that every thing may be explained that relates to conjugial love, which is the subject here treated of both in general and in particular.259.
XXIII. OF ACCIDENTAL CAUSES OF COLD THE FOURTH IS, THE MAN'S CONTINUALLY THINKING THAT HIS WIFE IS WILLING; AND ON THE OTHER HAND THE WIFE'S THINKING THAT THE MAN IS NOT WILLING. That the latter circumstance is a cause of love's ceasing with wives, and the former a cause of cold with men, is too obvious to need any comment. For that the man who thinks that his wife, when in his sight by day, and when lying at his side by night, is desirous or willing, should grow cold to the extremities, and on the other hand that the wife, who thinks that the man is able and not willing, should lose her love, are circumstances among many others well known to husbands who have considered the arcana relating to conjugial love. These circumstances are adduced also, to the end that this work may be perfected, and THE CONJUGIAL LOVE AND ITS CHASTE DELIGHTS may be completed.260.
XXIV. AS COLD IS IN THE MIND IT IS ALSO IN THE BODY; AND ACCORDING TO THE INCREASE OF THAT COLD, THE EXTERNALS ALSO OF THE BODY ARE CLOSED. It is believed at the present day that the mind of man (_homo_) is in the head, and nothing of it in the body, when yet the soul and the mind are both in the head and in the body; for the soul and the mind are the man (_homo_), since both constitute the spirit which lives after death; and that this spirit is in a perfect human form, has been fully shewn in the treatises we have published. Hence, as soon as a man thinks anything, he can in an instant utter it by means of his bodily mouth, and at the same time represent it by gesture; and as soon as he wills anything, he can in an instant bring it into act and effect by his bodily members: which could not be the case unless the soul and the mind were together in the body, and constituted his spiritual man. From these considerations it may be seen, that while conjugial love is in the mind, it is similar to itself in the body; and since love is heat, that it opens the externals of the body from the interiors; but on the other hand, that the privation thereof, which is cold, closes the externals of the body from the interiors: hence it is manifest what is the cause of the faculty (of conjugial love) with the angels enduring for ever, and what is the cause of its failing with men who are cold.261.
To the above I shall add THREE MEMORABLE RELATIONS. FIRST. In the superior northern quarter near the east in the spiritual world, there are places of instruction for boys, for youths, for men, and also for old men: into these places all who die infants are sent and are educated in heaven; so also all who arrive fresh from the world, and desire information about heaven and hell, are sent to the same places. This tract is near the east, that all may be instructed by influx from the Lord; for the Lord is the east, because he is in the sun there, which from him is pure love; hence the heat from that sun in its essence is love, and the light from it in its essence is wisdom. These are inspired into them from the Lord out of that sun; and they are inspired according to reception, and reception is according to the love of growing wise. After periods of instruction, those who are made intelligent are sent forth thence, and are called disciples of the Lord. They are sent forth first into the west, and those who do not remain there, into the south, and some through the south into the east, and are introduced into the societies where they are to reside. On a time, while I was meditating respecting heaven and hell, I began to desire a universal knowledge of the state of each, being aware, that whoever knows universals, may afterwards comprehend particulars, because the latter are contained in the former, as parts in a whole. In this desire I looked to the above tract in the northern quarter near the east, where were the places of instruction, and went there by a way then open to me. I entered one of the colleges, where there were some young men, and addressed the chief teachers there who gave instruction, and asked them whether they were acquainted with the universals respecting heaven and hell. They replied, that they knew some little; "but if we look," said they, "towards the east to the Lord, we shall receive illustration and knowledge." They did so, and said, "There are three universals of hell, which are diametrically opposite to the universals of heaven. The universals of hell are these three loves; the love of dominion grounded in self-love, the love of possessing the goods of others grounded in the love of the world, and adulterous love. The universals of heaven opposite to these are the three following loves; the love of dominion grounded in the love of use, the love of possessing worldly goods grounded in the love of performing uses therewith, and love truly conjugial." Hereupon, after expressing my good wishes towards them, I took my leave, and returned home. When I was come home, it was said to me from heaven, "Examine those three universals above and beneath, and afterwards we shall see them in your hand." It was said _in the hand_, because whatever a man examines intellectually, appears to the angels as if inscribed on his hands.262.
After this I examined the first universal love of hell, which is the love of dominion grounded in self-love, and afterwards the universal love of heaven corresponding to it, which is the love of dominion grounded in the love of uses; for I was not allowed to examine one love without the other, because, being opposites, the understanding does not perceive the one without the other; wherefore that each may be perceived, they must be set in opposition to each other; for a beautiful and handsome face is rendered conspicuous by contrasting it with an ugly and deformed one. While I was considering the love of dominion grounded in self-love, I perceived that this love was in the highest degree infernal, and consequently prevailed with those who are in the deepest hell; and that the love of dominion grounded in the love of uses was in the highest degree heavenly, and consequently prevailed with those who are in the highest heaven. The love of dominion grounded in self-love is in the highest degree infernal, because to exercise dominion from self-love, is to exercise it from _proprium_, and a man's _proprium_ from his birth is essential evil, which is diametrically opposite to the Lord; wherefore the more persons who are under the influence of such evil, advance therein, the more they deny God and the holy things of the church, and worship themselves and nature. Let such persons, I entreat them, examine that evil in themselves, and they will see this to be the case. This love also is of such a nature, that in proportion as it is left unrestrained, which is the case so long as it is not checked by impossibilities, in the same proportion it rushes impetuously from step to step, even to the highest, and there also finds no bounds, but is sad and sorrowful because there is no higher step for it to ascend. This love with statesmen is so intense that they wish to be kings and emperors, and if it were possible, to have dominion over all things of the world, and to be called kings of kings and emperors of emperors; while the same love with the clergy is so intense that they wish to be gods and, as far as is possible, to have dominion over all things of heaven, and to be called gods of gods. That neither of these acknowledge any God, will be seen in what follows. On the other hand, those who desire to exercise dominion from the love of uses, do not desire it from themselves, but from the Lord; since the love of uses is from the Lord, and is the Lord himself: these regard dignities only as means to the performance of uses, setting uses far above dignities; whereas the former set dignities far above uses.263.
While I was meditating on these things, an angel from the Lord said to me, "You shall presently see, and be convinced by ocular demonstration, what is the nature and quality of that infernal love." Then suddenly the earth opened on the left, and I saw a devil ascending from hell, with a square cap on his head let down over his forehead even to his eyes: his face was full of pimples as of a burning fever, his eyes fierce and firy, his breast swelling immensely; from his mouth he belched smoke like a furnace, his loins seemed all in a blaze, instead of feet he had bony ankles without flesh, and from his body exhaled a stinking and filthy heat. On seeing him I was alarmed, and cried out, "Approach no nearer; tell me, whence are you?" He replied in a hoarse tone of voice, "I am from below, where I am with two hundred in the most supereminent of all societies. We are all emperors of emperors, king of kings, dukes of dukes, and princes of princes; no one in our society is barely an emperor, a king, a duke, or a prince. We sit there on thrones of thrones, and despatch thence mandates through the whole world and beyond it." I then said to him, "Do you not see that you are insane from the phantasy of super-eminence?" and he replied, "How can you say so, when we absolutely seem to ourselves, and are also acknowledged by each other, to have such distinction?" On hearing this, I was unwilling to repeat my charge of insanity, as he was insane from phantasy; and I was informed that this devil, during his abode in the world, had been only a house-steward, and at that time he was so lifted up in spirit, that he despised all mankind in comparison with himself, and indulged in the phantasy that he was more worthy than a king, and even than an emperor; in consequence of which proud conceit, he had denied God, and had regarded all the holy things of the church as of no concern to himself, but of some to the stupid multitude. At length I asked him, "How long do you two hundred thus glory among yourselves?" He replied "to eternity; but such of us as torture others for denying our super-eminence, sink under ground; for we are allowed to glory, but not to do mischief to any one." I asked him again, "Do you know what befalls those who sink under ground?" He said, "They sink down into a certain prison, where they are called viler than the vile, or the vilest, and are set to work." I then said to him. "Take heed therefore, lest you also should sink down."264.
After this the earth again opened, but now on the right; and I saw another devil rising thence, who had on his head a kind of turban, wrapped about with spires as of a snake, the head of which stood out from the crown; his face was leprous from the forehead to the chin, and so were his hands; his loins were naked and as black as soot, through which was discernible in dusky transparence the fire as of a furnace; and the ankles of his feet were like two vipers. The former devil, on seeing him, fell on his knees, and adored him. On my asking why he did so, he said, "He is the God of heaven and earth, and is omnipotent." I then asked the other, "What do you say to this?" he replied, "What shall I say? I have all power over heaven and hell; the lot of all souls is in my hand." Again I enquired, "How can he, who is emperor of emperors, so submit himself, and how can you receive adoration?" he answered, "He is still my servant; what is an emperor before God? the thunder of excommunication is in my right hand." I then said to him, "How can you be so insane? In the world you were only a canon; and because you were infected with the phantasy that you also had the keys of heaven, and thence the power of binding and loosing, you have inflamed your spirit to such a degree of madness, that you now believe yourself to be very God." Upon this he swore with indignation that it was so, and said, "The Lord has not any power in heaven, because he has transferred it all to us. We have only to give the word of command, and heaven and hell reverently obey us. If we send any one to hell, the devils immediately receive him; and so do the angels receive those whom we send to heaven." I asked further, "How many are there in your society?" he said, "Three hundred; and we are all gods there; but I am god of gods." After this the earth opened beneath the feet of each, and they sank down into their respective hells; and I saw that beneath their hells were workhouses, into which those who injure others would fall; for every one in hell is left to his phantasy, and is also permitted to glory in it; but he is not allowed to injure another. The reason why such are there, is, because a man is then in his spirit; and the spirit, after it is separated from the body, comes into the full liberty of acting according to its affections and consequent thoughts. I was afterwards permitted to look into their hells: that which contained the emperors of emperors and kings of kings, was full of all uncleanness; and the inhabitants appeared like various kinds of wild beasts, with fierce eyes; and so it was in the other, which contained the gods and the god of gods: in it there appeared the direful birds of night, which are called _ochim_ and _ijim_, flying about them. The images of their phantasies were presented to me under this appearance. From these circumstances it was manifest, what is the nature and quality of political and ecclesiastical self-love; that the latter would make its votaries desirous of being gods, while the former would make them desirous of being emperors; and that under the influence of such loves men wish and strive to attain the objects of their desires, so far as they are left without restraint.265.
Afterwards a hell was opened, where I saw two men, one sitting on a bench, holding his feet in a basket full of serpents which seemed to be creeping upwards by his breast even to his neck; and the other sitting on a blazing ass, at whose sides red serpents were creeping, raising their heads and necks, and pursuing the rider. I was told that they had been popes who had compelled emperors to resign their dominions, and had ill-treated them both in word and deed at Rome, whither they went to supplicate and adore them; and that the basket in which were the serpents, and the blazing ass with snakes at his sides, were representations of their love of dominion grounded on self-love, and that such appearances are seen only by those who look at them from a distance. There were some canons present, whom I asked whether those had really been popes? They said, that they were acquainted with them, and knew that they had been such.266.
After beholding these sad and hideous spectacles, I looked around, and saw two angels in conversation standing near me. One wore a woollen robe that shone bright with flaming purple, and under it a vest of fine bright linen; the other had on similar garments of scarlet, together with a turban studded on the right side with carbuncles. I approached them, and, greeting them with a salutation of peace, respectfully asked them, "For what purpose are you here below?" They replied, "We have let ourselves down from heaven by the Lord's command, to speak with you respecting the blessed lot of those who are desirous to have dominion from the love of uses. We are worshipers of the Lord. I am prince of a society; my companion is chief priest of the same." The prince moreover said, "I am the servant of my society, because I serve it by doing uses:" the other said, "I am minister of the church there, because in serving them I minister holy things to the uses of their souls. We both are in perpetual joys grounded in the eternal happiness which is in them from the Lord. All things in our society are splendid and magnificent; they are splendid from gold and precious stones, and magnificent from palaces and paradises. The reason of this is, because our love of dominion is not grounded in self-love, but in the love of uses: and as the love of uses is from the Lord, therefore all good uses in the heavens are splendid and refulgent; and as all in our society are in this love, therefore the atmosphere appears golden from the light which partakes of the sun's flame-principle, and the sun's flame-principle corresponds to that love." As they said this, they appeared to me to be encompassed with such a sphere, from which an aromatic odor issued that was perceivable by the senses. I mentioned this circumstance to them, and intreated them to continue their discourse respecting the love of uses; and they proceeded thus: "The dignities which we enjoy, we indeed sought after and solicited for no other end than that we might be enabled more fully to perform uses, and to extend them more widely. We are also encompassed with honor, and we accept it, not for ourselves, but for the good of the society; for the brethren and consociates, who form the commonalty of the society, scarcely know but that the honors of our dignities are in ourselves, and consequently that the uses which we perform are from ourselves; but we feel otherwise, being sensible that the honors of the dignities are out of ourselves, and that they are as the garments with which we are clothed; but that the uses which we perform, from the love of them, are within us from the Lord: and this love receives its blessedness from communication by uses with others; and we know from experience, that so far as we do uses from the love thereof, so far that love increases, and with it wisdom, whereby communication is effected; but so far as we retain uses in ourselves, and do not communicate them, so far blessedness perishes: and in such case use becomes like food stored up in the stomach, which, not being dispersed, affords no nourishment to the body and its parts, but remains undigested, and thereby causes loathing: in a word, the whole heaven is nothing but a continent of use, from first principles to last. What is use but the actual love of our neighbor? and what holds the heavens together with this love?" On hearing this I asked, "How can any one know whether he performs uses from self-love, or from the love of uses? every man, both good and bad, performs uses, and that from some love. Suppose that in the world there be a society composed of mere devils, and another composed of mere angels; I am of opinion that the devils in their society, from the fire of self-love, and the splendor of their own glory, would do as many uses as the angels in their society; who then can know from what love, and from what origin uses flow?" To this the two angels replied, "Devils do uses for the sake of themselves and of reputation, that they may be raised to honors or may gain wealth; but angels do not do uses from such motives, but for the sake of uses from the love thereof. A man cannot discern the true quality of those uses; but the Lord discerns it. Every one who believes in the Lord, and shuns evils as sins, performs uses from the Lord; but every one who neither believes in the Lord, nor shuns evils as sins, does uses from self and for the sake of self. This is the difference between the uses done by devils and those done by angels." Having said this, the two angels departed; and I saw them from afar carried in a firy chariot like Elias, and conveyed into their respective heavens.267.
THE SECOND MEMORABLE RELATION. Not long after this interview with the angels, I entered a certain grove, and while I was walking there, I meditated on those who are in the concupiscence and consequent phantasy of possessing the things of the world; and then at some distance from me I saw two angels in conversation, and by turns looking at me; I therefore went nearer to them, and as I approached they thus accosted me: "We have perceived in ourselves that you are meditating on what we are conversing about, or that we are conversing on what you are meditating about, which is a consequence of the reciprocal communication of affections." I asked therefore what they were conversing about? they replied, "About phantasy, concupiscence, and intelligence; and just now about those who delight themselves in the vision and imagination of possessing whatever the world contains." I then entreated them to favor me with their sentiments on those three subjects,--concupiscence, phantasy, and intelligence. They began by saying, "Every one is by birth interiorly in concupiscence, but by education exteriorly in intelligence; and no one is in intelligence, still less in wisdom, interiorly, thus as to his spirit, but from the Lord: for every one is withheld from the concupiscence of evil, and held in intelligence, according as he looks to the Lord, and is at the same time in conjunction with him; without this, a man is mere concupiscence; yet still in externals, or as to the body, he is in intelligence arising from education; for a man lusts after honors and wealth, or eminence and opulence, and in order to attain them, it is necessary that he appear moral and spiritual, thus intelligent and wise; and he learns so to appear from infancy. This the reason why, as soon as he comes among men, or into company, he inverts his spirit, and removes it from concupiscence, and speaks and acts from the fair and honorable maxims which he has learnt from infancy, and retains in the bodily memory: and he is particularly cautious, lest anything of the wild concupiscence prevalent in his spirit should discover itself. Hence every man who is not interiorly led by the Lord, is a pretender, a sycophant, a hypocrite, and thereby an apparent man, and yet not a man; of whom it may be said, that his shell or body is wise, and his kernel or spirit insane; also that his external is human, and his internal bestial. Such persons, with the hinder part of the head look upwards, and with the fore part downwards; thus they walk as if oppressed with heaviness, with the head hanging down and the countenance prone to the earth; and when they put off the body, and become spirits, and are thereby set at liberty from external restraints, they become the madnesses of their respective concupiscences. Those who are in self-love desire to domineer over the universe, yea, to extend its limits in order to enlarge their dominion, of which they see no end: those who are in the love of the world desire to possess whatever the world contains, and are full of grief and envy in case any of its treasures are hid and concealed from them by others: therefore to prevent such persons from becoming mere concupiscences, and thereby no longer men, they are permitted in the spiritual world to think from a fear of the loss of reputation, and thereby of honor and gain, and also from a fear of the law and its penalties, and also to give their mind to some study or work whereby they are kept in externals and thus in a state of intelligence, however wild and insane they may be interiorly." After this I asked them, whether all who are in any concupiscence, are also in the phantasy thereof; they replied, that those are in the phantasy of their respective concupiscences, who think interiorly in themselves, and too much indulge their imagination by talking with themselves; for these almost separate their spirit from connection with the body, and by vision overflow the understanding, and take a foolish delight as if they were possessed of the universe and all that it contains: into this delirium every man comes after death, who has abstracted his spirit from the body, and has not wished to recede from the delight of the delirium by thinking at all religiously respecting evils and falses, and least of all respecting the inordinate love of self as being destructive of love to the Lord, and respecting the inordinate love of the world, as being destructive of neighborly love.268.
After this the two angels and also myself were seized with a desire of seeing those who from worldly love are in the visionary concupiscence or phantasy of possessing all wealth; and we perceived that we were inspired with this desire to the end that such visionaries might be known. Their dwellings were under the earth of our feet, but above hell: we therefore looked at each other and said, "Let us go." There was an opening, and in it a ladder by which we descended; and we were told that we must approach them from the east, lest we should enter into the mist of their phantasy, whereby our understanding and at the same time our sight would be obscured; and lo! there appeared a house built of reeds, and consequently full of chinks, standing in a mist, which continually issued like smoke through the chinks of three of the walls. We entered, and saw perhaps fifty here and fifty there sitting on benches, with their faces turned from the east and south, and looking towards the west and north. Before each person there was a table, on which were large purses, and by the purses a great quantity of gold coin: so we asked them, "Is that the wealth of all the persons in the world?" they replied, "Not of all in the world, but of all in the kingdom." The sound of their voice was hissing; and they had round faces, which glistened like the shell of a snail, and the pupils of their eyes in a green plane as it were shot forth lightning, which was an effect of the light of phantasy. We stood in the midst of them, and said, "You believe that you possess all the wealth of the kingdom;" they replied, "We do possess it." We then asked, "Which of you?" they said, "Every one;" and we asked, "How every one? there are many of you:" they said, "Every one of us knows that all which another has is his own. No one is allowed to think, and still less to say, 'Mine are not thine;' but every one may think and say, 'Thine are mine.'" The coin on the tables appeared, even to us, to be pure gold; but when we let in light from the east, we saw that they were little grains of gold, which they had magnified to such a degree by a union of their common phantasy. They said, that every one that enters ought to bring with him some gold, which they cut into small pieces, and these again into little grains, and by the unanimous force of their phantasy they increase them into larger coin. We then said, "Were you not born men of reason; whence then have you this visionary infatuation?" they said, "We know that it is an imaginary vanity; but as it delights the interiors of our minds, we enter here and are delighted as with the possession of all things: we continue in this place, however, only a few hours, at the end of which we depart; and as often as we do so we again become of sound mind; yet still our visionary delight alternately succeeds and occasions our alternate entrance into and departure from these habitations: thus we are alternately wise and foolish; we also know that a hard lot awaits those who by cunning rob others of their goods." We inquired, "What lot?" they said, "They are swallowed up and are thrust naked into some infernal prison, where they are kept to hard labor for clothes and food, and afterwards for some pieces of coin of trifling value, which they collect, and in which they place the joy of their hearts; but if they do any harm to their companions, they are fined a part of their coin."269.
Afterwards we ascended from these hells to the south, where we had been before, and the angels related there several interesting particulars respecting concupiscence not visionary or phantastic, in which all men are born; namely, that while they are in it, they are like persons infatuated, and yet seem to themselves to be most eminently wise; and that from this infatuation they are alternately let into the rational principle which is in their externals; in which state they see, acknowledge, and confess their insanity; but still they are very desirous to quit their rational and enter their insane state; and also do let themselves into it, as into a free and delightful state succeeding a forced and undelightful one; thus it is concupiscence and not intelligence that interiorly pleases them. There are three universal loves which form the constituent principles of every man by creation: neighbourly love, which also is the love of doing uses; the love of the world, which also is the love of possessing wealth; and the love of self, which also is the love of bearing rule over others. Neighbourly love, or the love of doing uses, is a spiritual love; but the love of the world, or the love of possessing wealth, is a material love; whereas the love of self, or the love of bearing rule over others, is a corporeal love. A man is a man while neighbourly love, or the love of doing uses, constitutes the head, the love of the world the body, and the love of self the feet; whereas if the love of the world constitutes the head, the man is as it were hunched-backed; but when the love of self constitutes the head, he is like a man standing not on his feet, but on the palms of his hands with his head downwards and his haunches upwards. When neighbourly love constitutes the head, and the two other loves in order constitute the body and feet, the man appears from heaven of an angelic countenance, with a beautiful rainbow about his head; whereas if the love of the world constitutes the head, he appears from heaven of a pale countenance like a corpse, with a yellow circle about his head; but if the love of self constitutes the head, he appears from heaven of a dusky countenance, with a white circle about his head. Hereupon I asked, "What do the circles about the head represent?" they replied, "They represent intelligence; the white circle about the head of the dusky countenance represents, that his intelligence is in externals, or about him, but insanity is in his internals, or in him. A man also who is of such a quality and character, is wise while in the body, but insane while in the spirit; and no man is wise in spirit but from the Lord, as is the case when he is regenerated and created again or anew by him." As they said this, the earth opened to the left, and through the opening I saw a devil rising with a white lucid circle around his head, and I asked him, Who he was? He said, "I am Lucifer, the son of the morning: and because I made myself like the Most High, I was cast down." Nevertheless he was not Lucifer, but believed himself to be so. I then said, "Since you were cast down, how can you rise again out of hell?" he replied, "There I am a devil, but here I am an angel of light: do you not see that my head is surrounded by a lucid sphere? you shall also see, if you wish, that I am super-moral among the moral, super-rational among the rational, yea, super-spiritual among the spiritual: I can also preach; yea, I have preached." I asked him, "What have you preached?" he said, "Against fraudulent dealers and adulterers, and against all infernal loves; on this occasion too I, Lucifer, called myself a devil, and denounced vengeance against myself as a devil; and therefore I was extolled to the skies with praises. Hence it is that I am called the son of the morning; and, what I myself was surprised at, while I was in the pulpit, I thought no other than that I was speaking rightly and properly; but I discovered that this arose from my being in externals, which at that time were separated from my internals: but although I discovered this, still I could not change myself, because through my haughtiness I did not look to God." I next asked him, "How could you so speak, when you are yourself a fraudulent dealer, an adulterer, and a devil?" He answered, "I am one character when I am in externals or in the body, and another when in internals or in the spirit; in the body I am an angel, but in the spirit a devil; for in the body I am in the understanding, but in the spirit I am in the will; and the understanding carries me upwards, whereas the will carries me downwards. When I am in the understanding my head is surrounded by a white belt, but when the understanding submits itself entirely to the will, and becomes subservient to it, which is our last lot, the belt grows black and disappears; and when this is the case, we cannot again ascend into this light." Afterwards he spoke of his twofold state, the external and the internal, more rationally than any other person; but on a sudden when he saw the angels attendant on me, his face and voice were inflamed, and he became black, even as to the belt round his head, and he sunk down into hell through the opening from which he arose. The bystanders, from what they had seen, came to this conclusion, that a man is such as his love, and not such as his understanding is; since the love easily draws over the understanding to its side, and enslaves it. I then asked the angels, "Whence have devils such rationality?" They said, "It is from the glory of self-love; for self-love is surrounded by glory, and glory elevates the understanding even into the light of heaven; for with every man the understanding is capable of being elevated according to knowledges, but the will only by a life according to the truths of the church and of reason: hence even atheists, who are in the glory of reputation arising from self-love, and thence in a high conceit of their own intelligence, enjoy a more sublime rationality than many others; this, however, is only when they are in the thought of the understanding, and not when they are in the affection of the will. The affection of the will possesses a man's internal, whereas the thought of the understanding possesses his external." The angel further declared the reason why every man is constituted of the three loves above mentioned; namely, the love of use, the love of the world, and the love of self; which is, that he may think from God, although as from himself. He also said, that the supreme principles in a man are turned upwards to God, the middle outwards to the world, and the lowest downwards to self; and since the latter are turned downwards, a man thinks as from himself, when yet it is from God.270.
THE THIRD MEMORABLE RELATION. One morning on awaking from sleep my thoughts were deeply engaged on some arcana of conjugial love, and at length on this, "_In what region of the human mind does love truly conjugial reside, and thence in what region does conjugial cold reside_?" I knew that there are three regions of the human mind, one above the other, and that in the lowest region dwells natural love; in the superior, spiritual love; and in the supreme, celestial love; and that in each region there is a marriage of good and truth; and good is of love, and truth is of wisdom; that in each region there is a marriage of love and wisdom; and that this marriage is the same as the marriage of the will and the understanding, since the will is the receptacle of love, and the understanding the receptacle of wisdom. While I was thus deeply engaged in thought, lo! I saw two swans flying towards the north, and presently two birds of paradise flying towards the south, and also two turtle doves flying in the east: as I was watching their flight, I saw that the two swans bent their course from the north to the east, and the two birds of paradise from the south, also that they united with the two doves in the east, and flew together to a certain lofty palace there, about which there were olives, palms, and beeches. The palace had three rows of windows, one above the other; and while I was making my observations, I saw the swans fly into the palace through open windows in the lowest row, the birds of paradise through others in the middle row, and the doves through others in the highest. When I had observed this, an angel presented himself, and said, "Do you understand what you have seen?" I replied, "In a small degree." He said, "That palace represents the habitations of conjugial love, such as are in human minds. Its highest part, into which the doves flew, represents the highest region of the mind, where conjugial love dwells in the love of good with its wisdom; the middle part, into which the birds of paradise flew, represents the middle region, where conjugial love dwells in the love of truth with its intelligence: and the lowest part, into which the swans flew, represents the lowest region of the mind, where conjugial love dwells in the love of what is just and right with its knowledge. The three pairs of birds also signify these things; the pair of turtle doves signifies conjugial love of the highest region, the pair of birds of paradise conjugial love of the middle region, and the pair of swans conjugial love of the lowest region. Similar things are signified by the three kinds of trees about the palace, the olives, palms, and beeches. We in heaven call the highest region of the mind celestial, the middle spiritual, and the lowest natural; and we perceive them as stories in a house, one above another, and an ascent from one to the other by steps as by stairs; and in each part as it were two apartments, one for love, the other for wisdom, and in front as it were a chamber, where love with its wisdom, or good with its truth, or, what is the same, the will with its understanding, consociate in bed. In that palace are presented as in an image all the arcana of conjugial love." On hearing this, being inflamed with a desire of seeing it, I asked whether anyone was permitted to enter and see it, as it was a representative palace? He replied, "None but those who are in the third heaven, because to them every representative of love and wisdom becomes real: from them I have heard what I have related to you, and also this particular, that love truly conjugial dwells in the highest region in the midst of mutual love, in the marriage-chamber or apartment of the will, and also in the midst of the perceptions of wisdom in the marriage-chamber or apartment of the understanding, and that they consociate in bed in the chamber which is in front, in the east." I also asked, "Why are there two marriage-chambers?" He said, "The husband is in the marriage-chamber of the understanding, and the wife in that of the will." I then asked, "Since conjugial love dwells there, where then does conjugial cold dwell?" He replied, "It dwells also in the supreme region, but only in the marriage-chamber of the understanding, that of the will being closed there: for the understanding with its truths, as often as it pleases, can ascend by a winding staircase into the highest region into its marriage-chamber; but if the will with the good of its love does not ascend at the same time into the consociate marriage-chamber, the latter is closed, and cold ensues in the other: this is _conjugial cold_. The understanding, while such cold prevails towards the wife, looks downwards to the lowest region, and also, if not prevented by fear, descends to warm itself there at an illicit fire." Having thus spoken, he was about to recount further particulars respecting conjugial love from its images in that palace; but he said, "Enough at this time; inquire first whether what has been already said is above the level of ordinary understandings; if it is, what need of saying more? but if not, more will be discovered."271.
ON THE CAUSES OF APPARENT LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, AND FAVOR IN MARRIAGES.
Having treated of the causes of cold and separation, it follows from order that the causes of apparent love, friendship, and favor in marriages, should also be treated of; for it is well known, that although cold separates the minds (_animos_) of married partners at the present day, still they live together, and have children; which would not be the case, unless there were also apparent loves, alternately similar to or emulous of the warmth of genuine love. That these appearances are necessary and useful, and that without them there would be no houses, and consequently no societies, will be seen in what follows. Moreover, some conscientious persons may be distressed with the idea, that the disagreement of mind subsisting between them and their married partners, and the internal alienation thence arising, may be their own fault, and may be imputed to them as such, and on this account they are grieved at the heart; but as it is out of their power to prevent internal disagreements, it is enough for them, by apparent love and favor, from conscientious motives to subdue the inconveniences which might arise: hence also friendship may possibly return, in which conjugial love lies concealed on the part of such, although not on the part of the other. But this subject, like the foregoing, from the great variety of its matter, shall be treated of in the following distinct articles: I. _In the natural world almost all are capable of being joined together as to external, but not as to internal affections, if these disagree and are apparent._ II. _In the spiritual world all are joined together according to internal, but not according to external affections, unless these act in unity with the internal._ III. _It is the external affections, according to which matrimony is generally contracted in the world._ IV. _But in case they are not influenced by internal affections, which conjoin minds, the bonds of matrimony are loosed in the house._ V. _Nevertheless those bonds must continue in the world till the decease of one of the parties._ VI. _In cases of matrimony, in which the internal affections do not conjoin, there are external affections, which assume a semblance of the internal and tend to consociate._ VII. _Hence come apparent love, friendship, and favor between married partners._ VIII. _These appearances are assumed conjugial semblances, and they are commendable, because useful and necessary._ IX. _These assumed conjugial semblances, in the case of a spiritual man (homo) conjoined to a natural, are founded in justice and judgement._ X. _For various reasons these assumed conjugial semblances with natural men are founded in prudence._ XI. _They are for the sake of amendment and accommodation._ XII. _They are for the sake of preserving order in domestic affairs, and for the sake of mutual aid._ XIII. _They are for the sake of unanimity in the care of infants and the education of children._ XIV. _They are for the sake of peace in the house._ XV. _They are for the sake of reputation out of the house._ XVI. _They are for the sake of various favors expected from the married partner, or from his or her relations; and thus from the fear of losing such favors._ XVII. _They are for the sake of having blemishes excused, and thereby of avoiding disgrace._ XVIII. _They are for the sake of reconciliation._ XIX. _In case favor does not cease with the wife, when faculty ceases with the man, there may exist a friendship resembling conjugial friendship, when the parties grow old._ XX. _There are various kinds of apparent love and friendship between married partners, one of whom is brought under the yoke, and therefore is subject to the other._ XXI. _In the world there are infernal marriages between persons who interiorly are the most inveterate enemies, and exteriorly are as the closest friends._ We proceed to an explanation of each article.272.
I. IN THE NATURAL WORLD ALMOST ALL ARE CAPABLE OF BEING JOINED TOGETHER AS TO EXTERNAL, BUT NOT AS TO INTERNAL AFFECTIONS, IF THESE DISAGREE AND ARE APPARENT. The reason of this is, because in the world every one is clothed with a material body, and this is overcharged with lusts, which are in it as dregs that fall to the bottom, when the must of the wine is clarified. Such are the constituent substances of which the bodies of men in the world are composed. Hence it is that the internal affections, which are of the mind, do not appear; and in many cases, scarce a grain of them transpires; for the body either absorbs them, and involves them in its dregs, or by simulation which has been learned from infancy conceals them deeply from the sight of others; and by these means the man puts himself into the state of every affection which he observes in another, and allures his affection to himself, and thus they unite. The reason why they unite is, because every affection has its delight, and delights tie minds together. But it would be otherwise if the internal affections, like the external, appeared visibly in the face and gesture, and were made manifest to the hearing by the tone of the speech; or if their delights were sensible to the nostrils or smell, as they are in the spiritual world: in such case, if they disagreed so as to be discordant, they would separate minds from each other, and according to the perception of antipathy, the minds would remove to a distance. From these considerations it is evident, that in the natural world almost all are capable of being joined together as to external, but not as to internal affections, if these disagree and are apparent.273.
II. IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD ALL ARE CONJOINED ACCORDING TO INTERNAL, BUT NOT ACCORDING TO EXTERNAL AFFECTIONS, UNLESS THESE ACT IN UNITY WITH THE INTERNAL. This is, because in the spiritual world the material body is rejected, which could receive and bring forth the forms of all affections, as we have said just above; and a man (_homo_) when stripped of that body is in his internal affections, which his body had before concealed: hence it is, that in the spiritual world similarities and dissimilarities, or sympathies and antipathies, are not only felt, but also appear in the face, the speech, and the gesture; wherefore in that world similitudes are conjoined, and dissimilitudes separated. This is the reason why the universal heaven is arranged by the Lord according to all the varieties of the affections of the love of good and truth, and, on the contrary, hell according to all the varieties of the love of what is evil and false. As angels and spirits, like men in the world, have internal and external affections, and as, in the spiritual world, the internal affections cannot be concealed by the external, they therefore transpire and manifest themselves: hence with angels and spirits both the internal and external affections are reduced to similitude and correspondence; after which their internal affections are, by the external, imaged in their faces, and perceived in the tone of their speech; they also appear in their behaviour and manners. Angels and spirits have internal and external affections, because they have minds and bodies; and affections with the thoughts thence derived belong to the mind, and sensations with the pleasures thence derived to the body. It frequently happens in the world of spirits, that friends meet after death, and recollect their friendships in the former world, and on such occasions believe that they shall live on terms of friendship as formerly; but when their consociation, which is only of the external affections, is perceived in heaven, a separation ensues according to their internal; and in this case some are removed from the place of their meeting into the north, some into the west, and each to such a distance from the other, that they can no longer see or know each other; for in the places appointed for them to remain at, their faces are changed so as to become the image of their internal affections. From these considerations it is manifest, that in the spiritual world all are conjoined according to internal affections, and not according to external, unless these act in unity with the internal.274.
III. IT IS THE EXTERNAL AFFECTIONS ACCORDING TO WHICH MATRIMONY IS GENERALLY CONTRACTED IN THE WORLD. The reason of this is, because the internal affections are seldom consulted; and even if they are, still their similitude is not seen in the woman; for she, by a peculiar property with which she is gifted from her birth, withdraws the internal affections into the inner recesses of her mind. There are various external affections which induce men to engage in matrimony. The first affection of this age is an increase of property by wealth, as well with a view to becoming rich as for a plentiful supply of the comforts of life; the second is a thirst after honors, with a view either of being held in high estimation or of an increase of fortune: besides these, there are various allurements and concupiscences which do not afford an opportunity of ascertaining the agreement of the internal affections. From these few considerations it is manifest, that matrimony is generally contracted in the world according to external affections.275.
IV. BUT IN CASE THEY ARE NOT INFLUENCED BY INTERNAL AFFECTIONS, WHICH CONJOIN MINDS, THE BONDS OF MATRIMONY ARE LOOSED IN THE HOUSE. It is said _in the house_, because it is done privately between the parties; as is the case when the first warmth, excited during courtship and breaking out into a flame as the nuptials approach, successively abates from the discordance of the internal affections, and at length passes off into cold. It is well known that in this case the external affections, which had induced and allured the parties to matrimony, disappear, so that they no longer effect conjunction. That cold arises from various causes, internal, external, and accidental, all which originate in a dissimilitude of internal inclinations, was proved in the foregoing chapter. From these considerations the truth of what was asserted is manifest, that unless the external affections are influenced by internal, which conjoin minds, the bonds of matrimony are loosed in the house.276.
V. NEVERTHELESS THOSE BONDS MUST CONTINUE IN THE WORLD TILL THE DECEASE OF ONE OF THE PARTIES. This proposition is adduced to the intent that to the eye of reason it may more evidently appear how necessary, useful, and true it is, that where there is not genuine conjugial love, it ought still to be assumed, that it may appear as if there were. The case would be otherwise if the marriage contract was not to continue to the end of life, but might be dissolved at pleasure as was the case with the Israelitish nation, who claimed to themselves the liberty of putting away their wives for every cause. This is evident from the following passage in Matthew: "_The pharisees came, and said unto Jesus, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And when Jesus answered, that it is not lawful to put away a wife and to marry another, except on account of whoredom, they replied that nevertheless Moses commanded to give a bill of divorce and to put her away; and the disciples said, If the case of a man with his wife be so it is not expedient to marry_," xix. 3-10. Since therefore the covenant of marriage is for life, it follows that the appearances of love and friendship between married partners are necessary. That matrimony, when contracted, must continue till the decease of one of the parties, is grounded in the divine law, consequently also in rational law, and thence in civil law: in the divine law, because, as said above, it is not lawful to put away a wife and marry another, except for whoredom; in rational law, because it is founded upon spiritual, for divine law and rational are one law; from both these together, or by the latter from the former, it may be abundantly seen what enormities and destructions of societies would result from the dissolving of marriage, or the putting away of wives, at the good pleasure of the husbands, before death. Those enormities and destructions of societies may in some measure be seen in the MEMORABLE RELATION respecting the origin of conjugial love, discussed by the spirits assembled from the nine kingdoms, n. 103-115; to which there is no need of adding further reasons. But these causes do not operate to prevent the permission of separations grounded in their proper causes, respecting which see above, n. 252-254; and also of concubinage, respecting which see the second part of this work.277.
VI. IN CASE OF MATRIMONY IN WHICH THE INTERNAL AFFECTIONS DO NOT CONJOIN, THERE ARE EXTERNAL AFFECTIONS WHICH ASSUME A SEMBLANCE OF THE INTERNAL AND TEND TO CONSOLIDATE. By internal affections we mean the mutual inclinations which influence the mind of each of the parties from heaven; whereas by external affections we mean the inclinations which influence the mind of each of the parties from the world. The latter affections or inclinations indeed equally belong to the mind, but they occupy its inferior regions, whereas the former occupy the superior: but since both have their allotted seat in the mind, it may possibly be believed that they are alike and agree; yet although they are not alike, still they can appear so: in some cases they exist as agreements, and in some as insinuating semblances. There is a certain communion implanted in each of the parties from the earliest time of the marriage-covenant, which, notwithstanding their disagreement in minds (_animis_) still remains implanted; as a communion of possessions, and in many cases a communion of uses, and of the various necessities of the house, and thence also a communion of thoughts and of certain secrets; there is also a communion of bed, and of the love of children: not to mention several others, which, as they are inscribed on the conjugial covenant, are also inscribed on their minds. Hence originate especially those external affections which resemble the internal; whereas those which only counterfeit them are partly from the same origin and partly from another; but on the subject of each more will be said in what follows.278.
VII. HENCE COME APPARENT LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, AND FAVOR BETWEEN MARRIED PARTNERS. Apparent loves, friendships, and favors between married partners, are a consequence of the conjugial covenant being ratified for the term of life, and of the conjugial communion thence inscribed on those who ratify it; whence spring external affections resembling the internal, as was just now indicated: they are moreover a consequence of their causes, which are usefulness and necessity: from which in part exist conjunctive external affections, or their counterfeit, whereby external love and friendship appear as internal.279.
VIII. THESE APPEARANCES ARE ASSUMED CONJUGIAL SEMBLANCES; AND THEY ARE COMMENDABLE, BECAUSE USEFUL AND NECESSARY. They are called assumed semblances, because they exist with those who disagree in mind, and who from such disagreement are interiorly in cold: in this case, when they still appear to live united, as duty and decency require, their kind offices to each other may be called assumed conjugial semblances; which, as being commendable for the sake of uses, are altogether to be distinguished from hypocritical semblances; for hereby all those good things are provided for, which are commemorated in order below, from article XI-XX. They are commendable for the sake of necessity, because otherwise those good things would be unattained; and yet the parties are enjoined by a covenant and compact to live together, and hence it behoves each of them to consider it a duty to do so.280.
IX. THESE ASSUMED CONJUGIAL SEMBLANCES, IN THE CASE OF A SPIRITUAL MAN (_homo_) CONJOINED TO A NATURAL, ARE FOUNDED IN JUSTICE AND JUDGEMENT. The reason of this is, because the spiritual man, in all he does, acts from justice and judgement; wherefore he does not regard these assumed semblances as alienated from their internal affections, but as connected with them; for he is in earnest, and respects amendment as an end; and if he does not obtain this, he respects accommodation for the sake of domestic order, mutual aid, the care of children, and peace and tranquillity. To these things he is led from a principle of justice; and from a principle of judgement he gives them effect. The reason why a spiritual man so lives with a natural one is, because a spiritual man acts spiritually, even with a natural man.281.
X. FOR VARIOUS REASONS, THESE ASSUMED CONJUGIAL SEMBLANCES WITH NATURAL MEN ARE FOUNDED IN PRUDENCE. In the case of two married partners of whom one is spiritual and the other natural, (by the spiritual we mean the one that loves spiritual things, and thereby is wise from the Lord, and by the natural, the one that loves only natural things, and thereby is wise from himself,) when they are united in marriage, conjugial love with the spiritual partner is heat, and with the natural is cold. It is evident that heat and cold cannot remain together, also that heat cannot inflame him that is in cold, unless the cold be first dispersed, and that cold cannot flow into him that is in heat, unless the heat be first removed: hence it is that inward love cannot exist between married partners, one of whom is spiritual and the other natural; but that a love resembling inward love may exist on the part of the spiritual partner, as was said in the foregoing article; whereas between two natural married partners no inward love can exist, since each is cold; and if they have any heat, it is from something unchaste; nevertheless such persons may live together in the same house, with separate minds (_animis_), and also assume looks of love and friendship towards each other, notwithstanding the disagreement of their minds (_mentes_): in such case, the external affections, which for the most part relate to wealth and possessions, or to honor and dignities, may as it were be kindled into a flame; and as such enkindling induces fear for their loss, therefore assumed conjugial semblances are in such cases necessities, which are principally those adduced below in articles XV.-XVII. The rest of the causes adduced with these may have somewhat in common with those relating to the spiritual man; concerning which see above, n. 280; but only in case the prudence with the natural man is founded in intelligence.282.
XI. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF AMENDMENT AND ACCOMMODATION. The reason why assumed conjugial semblances, which are appearances of love and friendship subsisting between married partners who disagree in mind, are for the sake of amendment, is because a spiritual man (_homo_) connected with a natural one by the matrimonial covenant, intends nothing else but amendment of life; which he effects by judicious and elegant conversation, and by favors which soothe and flatter the temper of the other; but in case these things prove ineffectual, he intends accommodation, for the preservation of order in domestic affairs, for mutual aid, and for the sake of the infants and children, and other similar things; for, as was shown above, n. 280, whatever is said and done by a spiritual man (_homo_) is founded in justice and judgement. But with married partners, neither of whom is spiritual, but both natural, similar conduct may exist, but for other ends; if for the sake of amendment and accommodation, the end is, either that the other party may be reduced to a similitude of manners, and be made subordinate to his desires, or that some service may be made subservient to his own, or for the sake of peace within the house, of reputation out of it, or of favors hoped for by the married partner or his relations; not to mention other ends: but with some these ends are grounded in the prudence of their reason, with some in natural civility, with some in the delights of certain cupidities which have been familiar from the cradle, the loss of which is dreaded; besides several ends, which render the assumed kindnesses as of conjugial love more or less counterfeit. There may also be kindnesses as of conjugial love out of the house, and none within; those however respect as an end the reputation of both parties; and if they do not respect this, they are merely deceptive.283.
XII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF PRESERVING ORDER IN DOMESTIC AFFAIRS, AND FOR THE SAKE OF MUTUAL AID. Every house in which there are children, their instructors, and other domestics, is a small society resembling a large one. The latter also consists of the former, as a whole consists of its parts, and thereby it exists; and further, as the security of a large society depends on order, so does the security of this small society; wherefore as it behoves public magistrates to see and provide that order may exist and be preserved in a compound society, so it concerns married partners in their single society. But there cannot be this order if the husband and wife disagree in their minds (_animis_); for thereby mutual counsels and aids are drawn different ways, and are divided like their minds, and thus the form of the small society is rent asunder; wherefore to preserve order, and thereby to take care of themselves and at the same time of the house, or of the house and at the same time of themselves, lest they should come to hurt and fall to ruin, necessity requires that the master and mistress agree, and act in unity; and if, from the difference of their minds (_mentium_) this cannot be done so well as it might, both duty and propriety require that it be done by representative conjugial friendship. That hereby concord is established in houses for the sake of necessity and consequent utility, is well known.284.
XIII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF UNANIMITY IN THE CARE OF INFANTS AND THE EDUCATION OF CHILDREN. It is very well known that assumed conjugial semblances, which are appearances of love and friendship resembling such as are truly conjugial, exist with married partners for the sake of infants and children. The common love of the latter causes each married partner to regard the other with kindness and favor. The love of infants and children with the mother and the father unite as the heart and lungs in the breast. The love of them with the mother is as the heart, and the love towards them with the father is as the lungs. The reason of this comparison is, because the heart corresponds to love, and the lungs to the understanding; and love grounded in the will belongs to the mother, and love grounded in the understanding to the father. With spiritual men (_homines_) there is conjugial conjunction by means of that love grounded in justice and judgement; in justice, because the mother had carried them in her womb, had brought them forth with pain, and afterwards with unwearied care suckles, nourishes, washes, dresses, and educates them, (and in judgement, because the father provides for their instruction in knowledge, intelligence, and wisdom).285.
XIV. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF PEACE IN THE HOUSE. Assumed conjugial semblances, or external friendships for the sake of domestic peace and tranquillity, relate principally to the men, who, from their natural characteristic, act from the understanding in whatever they do; and the understanding, being exercised in thought, is engaged in a variety of objects which disquiet, disturb, and distract the mind; wherefore if there were not tranquillity at home, it would come to pass that the vital spirits of the parties would grow faint, and their interior life would as it were expire, and thereby the health of both mind and body would be destroyed. The dreadful apprehension of these and several other dangers would possess the minds of the men, unless they had an asylum with their wives at home for appeasing the disturbances arising in their understandings. Moreover peace and tranquillity give serenity to their minds, and dispose them to receive agreeably the kind attentions of their wives, who spare no pains to disperse the mental clouds which they are very quick-sighted to observe in their husbands: moreover, the same peace and tranquillity make the presence of their wives agreeable. Hence it is evident, that an assumed semblance of love, as if it was truly conjugial, for the sake of peace and tranquillity at home, is both necessary and useful. It is further to be observed, that with the wives such semblances are not assumed as with the men; but if they appear to resemble them, they are the effect of real love, because wives are born loves of the understanding of the men; wherefore they accept kindly the favors of their husbands, and if they do not confess it with their lips, still they acknowledge it in heart.286.
XV. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF REPUTATION OUT OF THE HOUSE. The fortunes of men in general depend on their reputation for justice, sincerity, and uprightness; and this reputation also depends on the wife, who is acquainted with the most familiar circumstances of her husband's life; therefore if the disagreements of their minds should break out into open enmity, quarrels, and threats of hatred, and these should be noised abroad by the wife and her friends, and by the domestics, they would easily be turned into tales of scandal, which would bring disgrace and infamy upon the husband's name. To avoid such mischiefs, he has no other alternative than either to counterfeit affection for his wife, or that they be separated as to house.287.
XVI. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF VARIOUS FAVORS EXPECTED FROM THE MARRIED PARTNER, OR FROM HIS OR HER RELATIONS, AND THUS FROM THE FEAR OF LOSING SUCH FAVORS. This is the case more especially in marriages where the rank and condition of the parties are dissimilar, concerning which, see above, n. 250; as when a man marries a wealthy wife who stores up her money in purses, or her treasures in coffers; and the more so if she boldly insists that the husband is bound to support the house out of his own estate and income: that hence come forced likenesses of conjugial love, is generally known. The case is similar where a man marries a wife, whose parents, relations, and friends, are in offices of dignity, in lucrative business, and in employments with large salaries, who have it in their power to better her condition: that this also is a ground of counterfeit love, as if it were conjugial, is generally known. It is evident that in both cases it is the fear of the loss of the above favors that is operative.288.
XVII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING BLEMISHES EXCUSED, AND THEREBY OF AVOIDING DISGRACE. There are several blemishes for which conjugial partners fear disgrace, some criminal, some not. There are blemishes of the mind and of the body slighter than those mentioned in the foregoing chapter n. 252 and 253, which are causes of separation; wherefore those blemishes are here meant, which, to avoid disgrace, are buried in silence by the other married partner. Besides these, in some cases there are contingent crimes, which, if made public, are subject to heavy penalties; not to mention a deficiency of that ability which the men usually boast of. That excuses of such blemishes, in order to avoid disgrace, are the causes of counterfeit love and friendship with a married partner, is too evident to need farther confirmation.289.
XVIII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF RECONCILIATION. That between married partners who have mental disagreements from various causes, there subsist alternate distrust and confidence, alienation and conjunction, yea, dispute and compromise, thus reconciliation; and also that apparent friendships promote reconciliation, is well known in the world. There are also reconciliations which take place after partings, which are not so alternate and transitory.290.
XIX. IN CASE FAVOR DOES NOT CEASE WITH THE WIFE, WHEN FACULTY CEASES WITH THE MAN, THERE MAY EXIST A FRIENDSHIP RESEMBLING CONJUGIAL FRIENDSHIP WHEN THE PARTIES GROW OLD. The primary cause of the separation of minds (_animorum_) between married partners is a falling off of favor on the wife's part in consequence of the cessation of ability on the husband's part, and thence a falling off of love; for just as heats communicate with each other, so also do colds. That from a falling off of love on the part of each, there ensues a cessation of friendship, and also of favor, if not prevented by the fear of domestic ruin, is evident both from reason and experience. In case therefore the man tacitly imputes the causes to himself, and still the wife perseveres in chaste favor towards him, there may thence result a friendship, which, since it subsists between married partners, appears to resemble conjugial love. That a friendship resembling the friendship of that love, may subsist between married partners, when old, experience testifies from the tranquillity, security, loveliness, and abundant courtesy with which they live, communicate, and associate together.291.
XX. THERE ARE VARIOUS KINDS OF APPARENT LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MARRIED PARTNERS, ONE OF WHOM IS BROUGHT UNDER THE YOKE, AND THEREFORE IS SUBJECT TO THE OTHER. It is no secret in the world at this day, that as the first fervor of marriage begins to abate, there arises a rivalship between the parties respecting right and power; respecting right, in that according to the statutes of the covenant entered into, there is an equality, and each has dignity in the offices of his or her function; and respecting power, in that it is insisted on by the men, that in all things relating to the house, superiority belongs to them, because they are men, and inferiority to the women because they are women. Such rivalships, at this day familiar, arise from no other source than a want of conscience respecting love truly conjugial, and of sensible perception respecting the blessedness of that love; in consequence of which want, lust takes the place of that love, and counterfeits it; and, on the removal of genuine love, there flows from this lust a grasping for power, in which some are influenced by the delight of the love of domineering, which in some is implanted by artful women before marriage, and which to some is unknown. Where such grasping prevails with the men, and the various turns of rivalship terminate in the establishment of their sway, they reduce their wives either to become their rightful property, or to comply with their arbitrary will, or into a state of slavery, every one according to the degree and qualified state of that grasping implanted and concealed in himself; but where such grasping prevails with the wives, and the various turns of rivalship terminate in establishing their sway, they reduce their husbands either into a state of equality of right with themselves, or of compliance with their arbitrary will, or into a state of slavery: but as when the wives have obtained the sceptre of sway, there remains with them a desire which is a counterfeit of conjugial love, and is restrained both by law and by the fear of legitimate separation, in case they extend their power beyond the rule of right into what is contrary thereto, therefore they lead a life in consociation with their husbands. But what is the nature and quality of the love and friendship between a ruling wife and a serving husband, and also between a ruling husband and a serving wife, cannot be briefly described; indeed, if their differences were to be specifically pointed out and enumerated, it would occupy several pages; for they are various and diverse--various according to the nature of the grasping for power prevalent with the men, and in like manner with the wives; and diverse in regard to the differences subsisting in the men and the women; for such men have no friendship of love but what is infatuated, and such wives are in the friendship of spurious love grounded in lust. But by what arts wives procure to themselves power over the men, will be shewn in the following article.292.
XXI. IN THE WORLD THERE ARE INFERNAL MARRIAGES BETWEEN PERSONS WHO INTERIORLY ARE THE MOST INVETERATE ENEMIES, AND EXTERIORLY ARE AS THE CLOSEST FRIENDS. I am indeed forbidden by the wives of this sort, in the spiritual world, to present such marriages to public view; for they are afraid lest their art of obtaining power over the men should at the same time be divulged, which yet they are exceedingly desirous to have concealed: but as I am urged by the men in that world to expose the causes of the intestine hatred and as it were fury excited in their hearts against their wives, in consequence of their clandestine arts, I shall be content with adducing the following particulars. The men said, that unwittingly they contracted a terrible dread of their wives, in consequence of which they were constrained to obey their decisions in the most abject manner, and be at their beck more than the vilest servants, so that they lost all life and spirit; and that this was the case not only with those who were in inferior stations of life, but also with those who were advanced in high dignities, yea with brave and famous generals: they also said, that after they had contracted this dread, they could not help on every occasion expressing themselves to their wives in a friendly manner, and doing what was agreeable to their humors, although they cherished in their hearts a deadly hatred against them; and further, that their wives still behaved courteously to them both in word and deed, and complaisantly attended to some of their requests. Now as the men themselves greatly wondered, whence such an antipathy could arise in their internals, and such an apparent sympathy in their externals, they examined into the causes thereof from some women who were acquainted with the above secret art. From this source of information they learned, that women (_mulieres_) are skilled in a knowledge which they conceal deeply in their own minds, whereby, if they be so disposed, they can subject the men to the yoke of their authority; and that this is effected in the case of ignorant wives, sometimes by alternate quarrel and kindness, sometimes by harsh and unpleasant looks, and sometimes by other means; but in the case of polite wives, by urgent and persevering petitions, and by obstinate resistance to their husbands in case they suffer hardships from them, insisting on their right of equality by law, in consequence of which they are firm and resolute in their purpose; yea, insisting that if they should be turned out of the house, they would return at their pleasure, and would be urgent as before; for they know that the men by their nature cannot resist the positive tempers of their wives but that after compliance they submit themselves to their disposal; and that in this case the wives make a show of all kinds of civility and tenderness to their husbands subjected to their sway. The genuine cause of the dominion which the wives obtain by this cunning is, that the man acts from the understanding and the woman from the will, and that the will can persist, but not so the understanding. I have been told, that the worst of this sort of women, who are altogether a prey to the desire of dominion, can remain firm in their positive humors even to the last struggle for life. I have also heard the excuses pleaded by such women (_mulieres_) for entering upon the exercise of this art; in which they urged that they would not have done so unless they had foreseen supreme contempt and future rejection, and consequent ruin on their part, if they should be subdued by their husbands: and that thus they had taken up these their arms from necessity. To this excuse they add this admonition for the men; to leave their wives their own rights, and while they are in alternations of cold, not to consider them as beneath their maid-servants: they said also that several of their sex, from their natural timidity, are not in a state of exercising the above art; but I added, from their natural modesty. From the above considerations it may now be known what is meant by infernal marriages in the world between persons who interiorly are the most inveterate enemies, and exteriorly are like the most attached friends.293.
To the above I will add TWO MEMORABLE RELATIONS. FIRST. Some time ago as I was looking through a window to the east, I saw seven women sitting in a garden of roses at a certain fountain, and drinking the water. I strained my eye-sight greatly to see what they were doing, and this effort of mine affected them; wherefore one of them beckoned me, and I immediately quitted the house and came to them. When I joined them, I courteously inquired whence they were. They said, "We are wives, and are here conversing respecting the delights of conjugial love, and from much consideration we conclude, that they are also the delights of wisdom." This answer so delighted my mind (_animum_), that I seemed to be in the spirit, and thence in perception more interior and more enlightened than on any former occasion; wherefore I said to them, "Give me leave to propose a few questions respecting those satisfactions." On their consenting, I asked, "How do you wives know that the delights of conjugial love are the same as the delights of wisdom?" They replied, "We know it from the correspondence of our husbands' wisdom with our own delights of conjugial love; for the delights of this love with ourselves are exalted and diminished and altogether qualified, according to the wisdom of our husbands." On hearing this, I said, "I know that you are affected by the agreeable conversation of your husbands and their cheerfulness of mind, and that you derive thence a bosom delight; but I am surprised to hear you say, that their wisdom produces this effect; but tell me what is wisdom, and what wisdom (produces this effect)?" To this the wives indignantly replied, "Do you suppose that we do not know what wisdom is, and what wisdom (produces that effect), when yet we are continually reflecting upon it as in our husbands, and learn it daily from their mouths? For we wives think of the state of our husbands from morning to evening; there is scarcely an hour in the day, in which our intuitive thought is altogether withdrawn from them, or is absent; on the other hand, our husbands think very little in the day respecting our state; hence we know what wisdom of theirs it is that gives us delight. Our husbands call that wisdom spiritual rational, and spiritual moral. Spiritual rational wisdom, they say, is of the understanding and knowledges, and spiritual moral wisdom of the will and life; but these they join together and make a one, and insist that the satisfactions of this wisdom are transferred from their minds into the delights in our bosoms, and from our bosoms into theirs, and thus return to wisdom their origin." I then asked, "Do you know anything more respecting the wisdom of your husbands which gives you delight?" They said, "We do. There is spiritual wisdom, and thence rational and moral wisdom. Spiritual wisdom is to acknowledge the Lord the Saviour as the God of heaven and earth, and from Him to procure the truths of the church, which is effected by means of the Word and of preachings derived therefrom, whence comes spiritual rationality; and from Him to live according to those truths, whence comes spiritual morality. These two our husbands call the wisdom which in general operates to produce love truly conjugial. We have heard from them also that the reason of this is, because, by means of that wisdom, the interiors of their minds and thence of their bodies are opened, whence there exists a free passage from first principles even to last for the stream of love; on the flow, sufficiency, and virtue of which conjugial love depends and lives. The spiritual rational and moral wisdom of our husbands, specifically in regard to marriage, has for its end and object to love the wife alone, and to put away all concupiscence for other women; and so far as this is effected, so far that love is exalted as to degree, and perfected as to quality; and also so far we feel more distinctly and exquisitely the delights in ourselves corresponding to the delights of the affections and the satisfactions of the thoughts of our husbands." I inquired afterwards, whether they knew how communication is effected. They said, "In all conjunction by love there must be action, reception, and reaction. The delicious state of our love is acting or action, the state of the wisdom of our husbands is recipient or reception, and also is reacting or reaction according to perception; and this reaction we perceive with delights in the breast according to the state continually expanded and prepared to receive those things which in any manner agree with the virtue belonging to our husbands, thus also with the extreme state of love belonging to ourselves, and which thence proceed." They said further, "Take heed lest by the delights which we have mentioned, you understand the ultimated delights of that love: of these we never speak, but of our bosom delights, which always correspond with the state of the wisdom of our husbands." After this there appeared at a distance as it were a dove flying with the leaf of a tree in its mouth: but as it approached, instead of a dove I saw it was a little boy with a paper in his hand: on coming to us he held it out to me, and said, "Read it before these Maidens of the fountain." I then read as follows, "Tell the inhabitants of your earth, that there is a love truly conjugial having myriads of delights, scarce any of which are as yet known to the world; but they will be known, when the church betroths herself to her Lord, and is married." I then asked, "Why did the little boy call you Maidens of the fountain?" They replied, "We are called maidens when we sit at this fountain; because we are affections of the truths of the wisdom of our husbands, and the affection of truth is called a maiden; a fountain also signifies the true of wisdom, and the bed of roses, on which we sir, the delights thereof." Then one of the seven wove a garland of roses, and sprinkled it with water of the fountain, and placed it on the boy's cap round his little head, and said, "Receive the delights of intelligence; know that a cap signifies intelligence; and a garland from this rose-bed delights." The boy thus decorated then departed, and again appeared a distance like a flying dove, but now with a coronet on his head.294.
THE SECOND MEMORABLE RELATION. After some days I again saw the seven wives in a garden of roses, but not in the same as before. Its magnificence was such as I had never before seen: it was round, and the roses in it formed as it were a rainbow. The roses or flowers of a purple color formed its outermost circle, others of a yellow golden color formed the next interior circle, within this were others of a bright blue, and the inmost of a shining green; and within this rainbow rose-bed was a small lake of limpid water. These seven wives, who were called the Maidens of the fountain, as they were sitting there seeing me again at the window, called me to them; and when I was come they said, "Did you ever see anything more beautiful upon the earth?" I replied, "Never." They then said, "Such scenery is created instantaneously by the Lord, and represents something new on the earth; for every thing created by the Lord is representative: but what is this? tell, if you can: we say it is the delights of conjugial love." On hearing this, I said, "What! the delights of conjugial love, respecting which you before conversed with so much wisdom and eloquence! After I had left you, I related your conversation to some wives in our country, and said, 'I now know from instruction that you have bosom delights arising from your conjugial love, which you can communicate to your husbands according to their wisdom, and that on this account you look at your husbands with the eyes of your spirit from morning to evening, and study to bend and draw their minds (_animos_) to become wise, to the end that you may secure those delights.' I mentioned also that by wisdom you understand spiritual rational and moral wisdom, and in regard to marriage, the wisdom to love the wife alone, and to put away all concupiscence for other women: but to these things the wives of our country answered with laughter, saying, 'What is all this but mere idle talk? We do not know what conjugial love is. If our husbands possess any portion of it, still we do not; whence then come its delights to us? yea, in regard to what you call ultimate delights, we at times refuse them with violence, for they are unpleasant to us, almost like violations: and you will see, if you attend to it, no sign of such love in our faces: wherefore you are trifling or jesting, if you also assert, with those seven wives, that we think of our husbands from morning to evening, and continually attend to their will and pleasure in order to catch from them such delights.' I have retained thus much of what they said, that I might relate it to you; since it is repugnant, and also in manifest contradiction, to what I heard from you near the fountain, and which I so greedily imbibed and believed." To this the wives sitting in the rose garden replied, "Friend, you know not the wisdom and prudence of wives; for they totally hide it from the men, and for no other end than that they may be loved: for every man who is not spiritually but only naturally rational and moral, is cold towards his wife; and the cold lies concealed in his inmost principles. This is exquisitely and acutely observed by a wise and prudent wife; who so far conceals her conjugial love, and withdraws it into her bosom, and there hides it so deeply that it does not at all appear in her face, in the tone of her voice, or in her behaviour. The reason of this is, because so far as it appears, so far the conjugial cold of the man diffuses itself from the inmost principles of his mind, where it resides, into its ultimates, and occasions in the body a total coldness, and a consequent endeavour to separate from bed and chamber." I then asked, "Whence arises that which you call conjugial cold?" They replied, "From the insanity of the men in regard to spiritual things; and every one who is insane in regard to spiritual things; in his inmost principles is cold towards his wife, and warm towards harlots; and since conjugial love and adulterous love are opposite to each other, it follows that conjugial love becomes cold when illicit love is warm; and when cold prevails with the man, he cannot endure any sense of love, and thus not any allusion thereto, from his wife; therefore the wife so wisely and prudently conceals that love; and so far as she conceals it by denying and refusing it, so far the man is cherished and recruited by the influent meretricious sphere. Hence it is, that the wife of such a man has no bosom delights such as we have, but only pleasures, which, on the part of the man, ought to be called the pleasures of insanity, because they are the pleasures of illicit love. Every chaste wife loves her husband, even if he be unchaste; but since wisdom is alone recipient of that love, therefore she exerts all her endeavours to turn his insanity into wisdom, that is, to prevent his lusting after other women besides herself. This she does by a thousand methods, being particularly cautious lest any of them should be discovered by the man; for she is well aware that love cannot be forced, but that it is insinuated in freedom; wherefore it is given to women to know from the sight, the hearing, and the touch, every state of the mind of their husbands; but on the other hand it is not given to the men to know any state of the mind of their wives. A chaste wife can look at her husband with an austere countenance, accost him with a harsh voice, and also be angry and quarrel, and yet in her heart cherish a soft and tender love towards him; but such anger and dissimulation have for their end wisdom, and thereby the reception of love with the husband: as is manifest from the consideration, that she can be reconciled in an instant. Besides, wives use such means of concealing the love implanted in their inmost heart, with a view to prevent conjugial cold bursting forth with the man, and extinguishing the fire of his adulterous heat, and thus converting him from green wood into a dry stick." When the seven wives had expressed these and many more similar sentiments, their husbands came with clusters of grapes in their hands, some of which were of a delicate, and some of a disagreeable flavor; upon which the wives said, "Why have you also brought bad or wild grapes?" The husbands replied, "Because we perceived in our souls, with which yours are united, that you were conversing with that man respecting love truly conjugial, that its delights are the delights of wisdom, and also respecting adulterous love, that its delights are the pleasures of insanity. The latter are the disagreeable or wild grapes; the former are those of delicate flavor." They confirmed what their wives had said, and added that, "in externals, the pleasures of insanity appear like the delights of wisdom, but not so in internals; just like the good and bad grapes which we have brought; for both the chaste and the unchaste have similar wisdom in externals, but altogether dissimilar in internals." After this the little boy came again with a piece of paper in his hand, and held it out to me, saying, "Read this;" and I read as follows: "Know that the delights of conjugial love ascend to the highest heaven, and both in the way thither and also there, unite with the delights of all heavenly loves, and thereby enter into their happiness, which endures for ever; because the delights of that love are also the delights of wisdom: and know also, that the pleasures of illicit love descend even to the lowest hell, and, both in the way thither and also there, unite with the pleasures of all infernal loves, and thereby enter into their unhappiness, which consists in the wretchedness of all heart-delights; because the pleasures of that love are the pleasures of insanity." After this the husbands departed with their wives, and accompanied the little boy as far as to the way of his ascent into heaven; and they knew that the society from which he was sent was a society of the new heaven, with which the new church in the world will be conjoined.295.
ON BETROTHINGS AND NUPTIALS.
The subject of betrothings and nuptials, and also of the rites and ceremonies attending them, is here treated of principally from the reason of the understanding; for the object of this book is that the reader may see truths rationally, and thereby give his consent, for thus his spirit is convinced; and those things in which the spirit is convinced, obtain a place above those which, without consulting reason, enter from authority and the faith of authority; for the latter enter the head no further than into the memory, and there mix themselves with fallacies and falses; thus they are beneath the rational things of the understanding. From these any one may seem to converse rationally, but he will converse preposterously; for in such case he thinks as a crab walks, the sight following the tail: it is otherwise if he thinks from the understanding; for then the rational sight selects from the memory whatever is suitable, whereby it confirms truth viewed in itself. This is the reason why in this chapter several particulars are adduced which are established customs, as that the right of choice belongs to the men, that parents ought to be consulted, that pledges are to be given, that the conjugial covenant is to be settled previous to the nuptials, that it ought to be performed by a priest, also that the nuptials ought to be celebrated; besides several other particulars, which are here mentioned in order that every one may rationally see that such things are assigned to conjugial love, as requisite to promote and complete it. The articles into which this section is divided are the following; I. _The right of choice belongs to the man, and not to the woman._ II. _The man ought to court and intreat the woman respecting marriage with him, and not the woman the man._ III. _The woman ought to consult her parents, or those who are in the place of parents, and then deliberate with herself, before she consents._ IV. _After a declaration of consent, pledges are to be given._ V. _Consent is to be secure and established by solemn betrothing._ VI. _By betrothing, each party is prepared for conjugial love._ VII. _By betrothing, the mind of the one is united to the mind of the other, so as to effect a marriage of the spirit previous to a marriage of the body._ VIII. _This is the case with those who think chastely of marriages: but it is otherwise with those who think unchastely of them._ IX. _Within the time of betrothing, it is not allowable to be connected corporeally._ X. _When the time of betrothing is completed, the nuptials ought to take place._ XI. _Previous to the celebration of the nuptials, the conjugial covenant is to be ratified in the presence of witnesses._ XII. _The marriage is to be consecrated by a priest._ XIII. _The nuptials are to be celebrated with festivity._ XIV. _After the nuptials, the marriage of the spirit is made also the marriage of the body, and thereby a full marriage._ XV. _Such is the order of conjugial love with its modes from its first heat to its first torch._ XVI. _Conjugial love precipitated without order and the modes thereof, burns up the marrows and is consumed._ XVII. _The states of the minds of each of the parties proceeding in successive order, flow into the state of marriage; nevertheless in one manner with the spiritual and in another with the natural._ XVIII. _There are successive and simultaneous orders, and the latter is from the former and according to it._ We proceed to an explanation of each article.296.
I. THE RIGHT OF CHOICE BELONGS TO THE MAN, AND NOT TO THE WOMAN. This is because the man is born to be understanding, but the woman to be love; also because with the men there generally prevails a love of the sex, but with the women a love of one of the sex; and likewise because it is not unbecoming for men to speak openly about love, as it is for women; nevertheless women have the right of selecting one of their suitors. In regard to the first reason, that the right of choice belongs to the men, because they are born to understanding, it is grounded in the consideration that the understanding can examine agreements and disagreements, and distinguish them, and from judgement choose that which is suitable: it is otherwise with the women, because they are born to love, and therefore have no such discrimination; and consequently their determinations to marriage would proceed only from the inclinations of their love; if they have the skill of distinguishing between men and men, still their love is influenced by appearances. In regard to the other reason, that the right of choice belongs to the men, and not to the women, because with men there generally prevails a love of the sex, and with women a love of one of the sex, it is grounded in the consideration, that those in whom a love of the sex prevails, can freely look around and also determine: it is otherwise with women, in whom is implanted a love for one of the sex. If you wish for a proof of this, ask, if you please, the men you meet, what their sentiments are respecting monogamical and polygamical unions; and you will seldom meet one who will not reply in favor of the polygamical; and this also is a love of the sex: but ask the women their sentiments on the subject, and almost all, except the vilest of the sex, will reject polygamical unions; from which consideration it follows, that with the women there prevails a love of one of the sex, thus conjugial love. In regard to the third reason, that it is not unbecoming for men to speak openly about love, whereas it is for women, it is self-evident; hence also it follows, that declaration belongs to the men, and therefore so does choice. That women have the right of selecting in regard to their suitors, is well known; but this species of selection is confined and limited, whereas that of the men is extended and unlimited.297.
II. THE MAN OUGHT TO COURT AND INTREAT THE WOMAN RESPECTING MARRIAGE WITH HIM, AND NOT THE WOMAN THE MAN. This naturally follows the right of choice; and besides, to court and intreat women respecting marriage is in itself honorable and becoming for men, but not for women. If women were to court and entreat the men, they would not only be blamed, but, after intreaty, they would be reputed as vile, or after marriage as libidinous, with whom there would be no association but what was cold and fastidious; wherefore marriages would thereby be converted into tragic scenes. Wives also take it as a compliment to have it said of them, that being conquered as it were, they yielded to the pressing intreaties of the men. Who does not foresee, that if the women courted the men, they would seldom be accepted? They would either be indignantly rejected, or be enticed to lasciviousness, and also would dishonor their modesty. Moreover, as was shewn above, the men have not any innate love of the sex; and without love there is no interior pleasantness of life: wherefore to exalt their life by that love, it is incumbent on the men to compliment the women; courting and intreating them with civility, courtesy, and humility, respecting this sweet addition to their life. The superior comeliness of the female countenance, person, and manners, above that of the men, adds itself as a proper object of desire.298.
III. THE WOMAN OUGHT TO CONSULT HER PARENTS, OR THOSE WHO ARE IN THE PLACE OF PARENTS, AND THEN DELIBERATE WITH HERSELF, BEFORE SHE CONSENTS. The reason why parents are to be consulted is, because they deliberate from judgement, knowledge, and love; from _judgement_, because they are in an advanced age, which excels in judgement, and discerns what is suitable and unsuitable: from _knowledge_, in respect to both the suitor and their daughter; in respect to the suitor they procure information, and in respect to their daughter they already know; wherefore they conclude respecting both with united discernment: from _love_, because to consult the good of their daughter, and to provide for her establishment, is also to consult and provide for their own and for themselves.299.
The case would be altogether different, if the daughter consents of herself to her urgent suitor, without consulting her parents, or those who are in their place; for she cannot from judgement, knowledge, and love, make a right estimate of the matter which so deeply concerns her future welfare: she cannot from _judgement_, because she is as yet in ignorance as to conjugial life, and not in a state of comparing reasons, and discovering the morals of men from their particular tempers; nor from _knowledge_, because she knows few things beyond the domestic concerns of her parents and of some of her companions; and is unqualified to examine into such things as relate to the family and property of her suitor: nor from _love_, because with daughters in their first marriageable age, and also afterwards, this is led by the concupiscences originating in the senses, and not as yet by the desires originating in a refined mind. The daughter ought nevertheless to deliberate on the matter with herself, before she consents, lest she should be led against her will to form a connection with a man whom she does not love; for by so doing, consent on her part would be wanting; and yet it is consent that constitutes marriage, and initiates the spirit into conjugial love; and consent against the will, or extorted, does not initiate the spirit, although it may the body; and thus it converts chastity, which resides in the spirit, into lust; whereby conjugial love in its first warmth is vitiated.300.
IV. AFTER A DECLARATION OF CONSENT, PLEDGES ARE TO BE GIVEN. By pledges we mean presents, which, after consent, are confirmations, testifications, first favors, and gladnesses. Those presents are _confirmations_, because they are certificates of consent on each side; wherefore, when two parties consent to anything, it is customary to say, "Give me a token;" and of two, who have entered into a marriage engagement, and have secured it by presents, that they are pledged, thus confirmed. They are _testifications_, because those pledges are continual visible witnesses of mutual love; hence also they are memorials thereof; especially if they be rings, perfume-bottles or boxes, and ribbons, which are worn in sight. In such things there is a sort of representative image of the minds (_animorum_) of the bridegroom and the bride. Those pledges are _first favors_, because conjugial love engages for itself everlasting favor; whereof those gifts are the first fruits. That they are the _gladnesses_ of love, is well known, for the mind is exhilarated at the sight of them; and because love is in them, those favors are dearer and more precious than any other gifts, it being as if their hearts were in them. As those pledges are securities of conjugial love, therefore presents after consent were in use with the ancients; and after accepting such presents the parties were declared to be bridegroom and bride. But it is to be observed that it is at the pleasure of the parties to bestow those presents either before or after the act of betrothing; if before, they are confirmations and testifications of consent to betrothing; if after it, they are also confirmations and testifications of consent to the nuptial tie.