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An Arthurian Miscellany at

And Set to Musick after the Italian Manner.
As it is Performing at the
New Theatre in the Hay-Market




TOM THUMB was the Son of Gaffer Thumb , tho' some Authors assert, Thumb was not the Father's Name, but a Sirname given the Son from the Diminitiveness of his Stature, agreeable to a Wish his Parents made, that they might have a Son and Heir, tho' he were no bigger than their Thumb . Like another Homer , his Birth is much contended, and many claim the Honour of it. Some will have him of German Extraction, Others of French , but the most received Opinion is, that he was an Englishman , born of very honest, but simple Parents, living in the Reign of King Arthur , a British Monarch of the sixth Century, who was Chief General against the Saxons ; but whether ever Arthur existed, is a Point much controverted.
     However that be, Tom Thumb is the Hero of the subsequent Opera, and Favourite of Arthur . He returns about this Time from the Wars, leading a Captive Giantess in Triumph. The King gives him a most gracious Reception, and in Recompence of his signal Services, bestows on him his Daughter the Princess Huncamunca in Marriage. At the same Time, his Majesty conceives a violent Passion for the fair Captive Glumdalca , whose Heart is already devoted to Tom Thumb . The Queen, who is likewise enamour'd of the Generalissimo Thumb , strenuously opposes the Match agreed to by the King, upon which a great Quarrel arises between their Majesties. On the other Hand, Lord Grizzle , a Courtier, is passionately fond of the Princess Huncamunca , whose Pretensions her Majesty seems to cherish, as a Means to frustrate the intended Nuptials, and thereby gratify her own Inclinations; but perceiving her Policy of espousing his Interest does not answer her Design, but on the contrary, adds Fewel to the enflam'd Grizzle , and makes him breathe nothing but Destruction on his Rival, she immediately breaks with Grizzle ; who, in Return, vows Revenge on Thumb , and also threatens to involve the Nation in the Disappointment of his Love.
      Tom Thumb is not content to gain Glory only in the Field, but he likewise gives a singular Mark of Prowess, and Heroick Virtue, soon after his Arrival; for his Friend Noodle being arrested, he gallantly assails the Bailiff, and triumphant kills both him and his Follower.
      Thumb's intended Spouse being of a Disposition, apt for the State of Matrimony, appears in a very sad, and languishing Condition, till the Proposition the King her Royal Father makes of a Husband, when her heavy Melancholy soon dissipates, and she is transported beyond Expression with the Idea of changing her Condition. Lord Grizzle paying his Respects at this Juncture, she faintly rejects his Suit, alledging her being promis'd to Thumb ; and Grizzle using the Rhetorick of a slighted Lover, detracting from his Rival's Merit, but above all urging his Insufficiency, she is overcome by his prevailing Arguments, and gives her Consent to marry him privately. Wing'd with the high Thoughts of Possession, Grizzle flies to fetch the Licence. In the mean Time Tom Thumb waits on the Princess to commence his Courtship. He makes some amorous Speeches, but is told by her Highness, that she is promis'd to another. Glumdalca , who thinks herself injur'd in her Love by Huncamunca , enters at this Crisis, and a Scene of Contention between the two fair Rivals ensues, but Glumdalca is defeated, Tom giving his Preference to Huncamunca . Glumdalca is left full of Fury and Resentment. The King, like a solitary Lover, throws himself in her Way, which occasions a Scene of Groans, finely wrought up.
      Tom Thumb , who a little before found the Princess wavering in her Love, has now remov'd all her late Difficulties, and the Ceremony is perform'd, which puts an End to a Lover's Anxieties. Huncamunca soon after sees Grizzle , and tells thim that, rather than incur his Displeasure, she will marry him likewise; but the incens'd Grizzle rejects the Proposal with the greatest Contempt, and vows Destruction on Thumb , and the whole Kingdom, which puts Huncamunca in a terrible Pannick.
     The Ghost of Gaffer Thumb appears to Arthur , who is foretold of the Rebellion of Grizzle . The Queen having some Presage of this in her Sleep, quits her Bed in Search of Arthur , when a Messenger arrives, who informs their Majesties that Grizzle is in Arms. Tom Thumb is appointed to go against him. Grizzle with the Rebels appear. Tom Thumb marching in Pursuit of them, is told by Merlin the Manner of his being begot, and withal shews him his Fate. The two Armies come to an Engagement. Glumdalca is slain by Grizzle , and he by Tom Thumb . The King causes Rejoicings to be made on this Success, but in the midst, a Messenger arrives, that brings Word of Tom Thumb 's being devour'd by a huge Red Cow, as he was bearing off Grizle 's Head to his Majesty. This News puts a Damp on the King's Liberality, and he is much in Wrath. The Queen stabs the Messenger, and like Children at the Play of Strike your next Neighbour , etc. they stab at one another all round.
     But this Scene of Horror is soon transform'd. Tom Thumb by Conjuration, is emitted from the Belly of the Cow, and all the rest are rais'd to Life again, by Virtue of Merlin 's Wand, in perfect Harmony with each other.

Dramatis personae.
TOM THUMB the Great.
GHOST of Gaffer THUMB.
DOODLE, } Courtiers.

HUNCAMUNCA her Daughter.
GLUMDALCA Captive Giantess.
CLEORA, } Maids of Honour.


SCENE the Court of KING ARTHUR, and a PLAIN thereabouts.

Tom Thumb the Great.
SCENE, The Palace .

Doodle, and Noodle.


Doodle . Sure, such a day was never seen!
The sun himself on this harmonious day,
Shines like a beau in a new birthday suit;
All nature wears one universal grin.
Noodle. This day, O Doodle! doubtless is a day,
A day we never saw before.
The mighty Thumb , call'd Tom , victorious comes;
Millions of Giants , like as many Bees ,
Swarm round his chariot wheels,
Giants! to whom the Giants in Guild Hall
Are fools, are infant dwarfs.
They frown, they foam, they roar, while Tom ,
Regardless of their din, rides on.

                           AIR I.
      So the Cock-Sparrow, at barn-door,
     Huge flocks of
Turkeys hops before;
     The lubberd
Red-Heads does despise,
     Nor at their noisy gugling flies.

Doodle. 'Tis whisper'd in the books of all our sages,
This mighty little hero,
By Merlin 's art begot,
Has not a bone within his skin,
But is a lump of Gristle.
Noodle . Then 'tis a gristle of no mortal kind!
Doodle. Some god, O Noodle! stept into the place
Of gaffer Thumb , and more than half begot
This matchless warriour Tom .
Noodle . Sure he was sent express from Heav'n,
To be the pillar of our state
Tho' small his carcass be, so very small,
A chairman's Leg is more than twice as large,
Yet is his soul like any mountain big,
And as a mountain once brought forth a mouse,
So does this mouse contain a mighty mountain.
Doodle. Mountain indeed!
Noodle. But hark!     [ Flourish. ]
Those trumpets speak the King's approach.
Doodle. He comes most luckily for my petition.

Enter King, Queen, Grizzle, and Doodle.

King. Let nothing but a face of joy appear;
The man who frowns this day shall lose his head,
That he may have no face to frown withal.
Smile Dollalolla --ha! what wrinkled sorrow
Hangs, sits, lies, frowns upon thy knitted brow.
Whence flow those tears fast down thy blubber'd cheeks,
Like a swoln gutter, gushing thro' the streets?
Queen. Excess of joy, folks say my lord,
Gives tears as certain as excess of grief.
King. If it be so, let all men cry for joy,
'Till my whole Court be drown'd with tears,
Nay, till they overflow my utmost land,
And leave me nothing
But a sea of tears to rule.
Doodle. My liege! I humbly petition--     [ Kneeling. ]
King. Petition me no petitions, Sir, to day;
Let other hours be set apart for business;
To day it is our pleasure to be drunk,
And this our queen shall be as drunk as we.
Queen. Already I am half seas over,
Yet let the cistern overflow
With goodRack punch--'fore George , I'll see it out--
Of Rum and Brandy I'll not taste a drop.
King. Tho' Rack in punch 10 s. be a quart,
And Rum and Brandy be no more than six,
Rather than quarrel, you shall have your will.

                          AIR II.
      When your dames of superior class,
          Submit to the pow'r of drams,
     This virtue attends the kind glass,
          It makes 'em as quiet as lambs.
     If then without
Brandy, or Rum,
           Your Wives will not study to please,
     Let 'em swill till they're tight as a drum
          Or they'll live the longer to teaze.

But, ha! the warrior's come--the great Tom Thumb      [ Trumpets.
The little hero-giant killing boy,
Preserver of my kingdom is arriv'd!

Enter Tom Thum.

With Officers, Prisoners, and Attendants.

O welcome! most welcome to my arms!
What gratitude can thank--away the debt,
Thy valour lays--upon me!
Queen. Oh! ye gods!     [ Aside. ]
Thumb. When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough;
I've done my duty, and I've done no more.
Queen. Was ever such a god-like creature seen!     [ Aside. ]
King. Thy modesty's a candle to thy merit;
It shines itself, and shews thy merit too--
But say, my Boy--
Where didst thou leave the Giants ?
Thumb. My liege, without the castle gates,
The castle gates too low for their admittance.
King. What look they like?
Thumb. Like nothing but themselves.
Queen. And sure thou'rt like to nothing but thyself.     [ Aside. ]
King. Enough! the vast idea fills my soul.
I see them--yes, I see them before me--
The monstrous, ugly, barb'rous sons of whores!--
But, ha!
What finish'd piece of human nature strikes us!
Sure she was drawn by all the gods in council!
Who paus'd, and then cry'd out--this is a woman!
Thumb. Then, were the gods mistaken--
She's not a woman, but a giantess,
A High-German Giantess.
Glumdalca. We yesterday were both a queen and wife;
One hundred thousand Giants own'd our sway,
Twenty whereof were marry'd to ourself.
Queen. Oh! happy state of giantism!

                         AIR III.
      Our Passions are of Giant kind,
          And have to th' full as large a sense;
     'Tis hard to one to be confin'd,
          When with a score we could dispense.

Glumdalca. But then to lose full twenty in one day!
Queen. Madam, believe,
I view your sorrows with a woman's eye,
But be as patient as you can,
To morrow we will have our Grenadiers
Drawn out before you, when you may chuse
What Husband you think fit.
Glumdalca. Madam, I am your most obedient Servant.
King. Think, lovely princess, think this court your own,
Nor think my house an Inn, myself the landlord;
Call for whate'er you will, you'll nothing pay.
I feel a sudden pain within my breast;
Nor know I whether it proceeds from love,
Or only the wind-cholick--time must shew,      [ Aside. ]
Oh! Tom ! what do we to thy valour owe?
Ask some reward, great as we can bestow.
Thumb. I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;
I ask not money, money I've enough;
If what I've done be call'd a debt,
Take my receipt in full--I ask but this;
To sun myself in Huncamunca 's Eyes.
King. Prodigious bold request!
Queen. Be still my Soul! }     [ Aside. ]
Thumb. My heart is at the threshold of your Mouth,
And waits it's answer there.
King. It is resolved--the princess is your own.
Thumb. Oh! happy, happy, happy Thumb !
Queen. Consider, Sir,--reward your Soldiers merit,
But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb !
King. Tom Thumb !
Odzooks! my wide extended Realm
Knows not a name so glorious as Tom Thumb !

                    AIR IV
      Your Alexander's, Scipio's,
           Inferior are to Tommy,
      While others brag of Mac's and O's,
           Let England boast of Thummy.

      A Title is an empty name,
          Like many we have knighted;
     His merit bids us aid his fame,
Tom shall not be slighted.

Queen. Tho' greater yet his boasted merit was,
He shall not have my daughter, that is pos!
King. Ha! sayst thou Dollalolla?
Queen. I say he shan't.
King. Then, by our royal self we swear you lie
Queen. Who but a dog--who but a Dog
Wou'd use me thus?
But I will be reveng'd, or hang myself.

                         AIR. V.
      Then tremble all, who ever weddings made,
     But tremble more, who did this match perswade;
     For riding on a Cat, from high I'll fall,
     And squirt down royal vengeance on you all.
     [ Exit Queen.

Doodle. Her majesty, the queen, is in a passion.
King. Be she, or be she not--now, by ourself
We were indeed a pretty king of clouts,
To truckle to our consort's will,

                         AIR VI.
           We politic Kings,
          Know far better things
     Than e'er to our consorts stoop;
          For once you give way
          To Petticoat sway,
     You may for your Breeches go whoop.

Come Thumb --I'll to the girl, and pave thy way.     [ Exeunt all but Grizzle.
Grizzle. Where are now thy glories, Grizzle ?
Where are the drums that waken'd thee to honour?
O, what art thou greatness?
A lac'd coat from Monmouth-street ,
Worn to day, put on anothers back to-morrow.
Yesterday as St. Paul 's high,
To day as Fleet-ditch low.

Enter Queen.

Queen. Teach me to scold, oh, Grizzle !
Mountain of treason! ugly as the devil!
Teach this confounded mouth
To spout forth words might shame
All Billingsgate to speak.
Grizzle. But first I beg to ask,
Wherefore my Queen wou'd scold?
Queen. Wherefore? oh! blood and thunder! han't you heard,
What ev'ry corner of the court resounds,
That little Tom will be a great man made?
Grizzle. I heard it, I confess.
Queen. Odsbobs! I have a mind to hang myself,
A grand-mother by such a rascal.
Sure, the King forgets
His mother put the bastard in a pudding,
And on a stile was drop'd?
O, good lord Grizzle ! can I bear
To see him from a pudding mount the throne?
Or can my Huncamunca bear
To take a pudding's offspring in her arms?
Grizzle. Oh, horror! horror!
Queen. Then rouse thy spirit--we may yet prevent
This hated Match.
Grizzle. We will, in spite of fate.

                         AIR VII.
      The Spaniel, when bid, does obey,
          And twenty fine tricks shew with all;
     The Soldier's observant as Tray,
          And both will come to a call.

     The Lover's more fawning than these,
          Or any Court Sycophant spark,
     He'll shoot, fetch, and carry to please,
          And all for a touch in the dark.

I'll tear the scoundrel into twenty pieces.
Queen. Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt him not;
For tho' I shoud not like him for a son,
Yet can we kill the man that kill'd the Giants ?
Grizzle. I tell you, madam, it was all a trick;
He made the Giants first, and then he kill'd them.
Queen. How! have you seen no Giants ? are there not
Now in the yard, ten thousand proper Giants ?
Grizzle. I cannot postively tell,
But firmly do believe there is not one.
Queen. Hence! from my sight! thou traytor! hie away!
By all my stars! thou enviest Tom Thumb .
Go, sirrah! go! hie away! hie!
Thou art a setting dog! begone!
Grizzle. Madam, I go--
And Thumb shall feel the vengeance you have rais'd.

                    AIR VIII.
      I'll roar, I'll rant, I'll rave;
          I'll ride on clouds, thro' seas I'll swim,
     I'll for the nation dig a grave,
          And bury it for my whim
     [ Exit Grizzle.

Queen. Alack-a-day! oh! whither shall I go?
I love Tom Thumb , but must not tell him so;
For what's a woman when her virtue's gone?
A coat that's got no lace-wig out of buckle--
A stocking with a hole in't--I can't live
Without my virtue, or Tom Thumb :
Then let me weigh them in two equal scales;
In this put virtue, that Tom Thumb --
Alas! Tom Thumb is heavier than my virtue;
But hold!--cou'd I prevent the match,
And shou'd be left a widow,
Then Tom Thumb is mine.

                         AIR IX.
      In that dear hope how many live?
          I'm not the only one;
     Oh! what wou'd some fine Ladies give
          To have their husbands gone!
                    All things new,
                    Ever wanting;
                    Joys in view,
                    More enchanting;
          'Tis the mode e'er husbands die,
          To have another in one's Eye.

The End of the first ACT.

SCENE The Street.
Bailiff and Follower.


Bailiff. Come, trusty follower, come on,
This day stand by me, and at night
Three double mugs of beer and beer expect--
This way must Noodle pass.
Follower. No more, oh, Bailiff ! ev'ry word
Inspires my soul with virtue.
Oh. I long to meet the fish, and nab him;
To lay arresting hands upon his back,
And nobly drag him to the spunging-house.
Bailiff. Oh! glorious thought!
But see our prey! let us retire--      [they go aside.

Enter Tom Thumb, and Noodle.

Thumb . O Noodle ! I am wondrous sick;
For tho' I love the gentle Huncamunca ,
Yet at the thought of marriage, I grow pale;
For oh!--
Noodle. Oh! what?
Thumb. My grand mamma hath often said,
Tom Thumb , beware of marriage!
Noodle. Cou'd you indeed the princess gain without,
I would not have you marry,
But Sir, be jealous of old women's sayings,
If they're against it, 'tis because they're past it.
Oh! think of all the joy your soul will have.
While on her panting breast, dissolv'd in bliss,
You pour out all Tom Thumb in every kiss.
Thumb. Oh! friend! thou fir'st my eager soul;
Spight of my grandmother, she shall be mine.

                         AIR X.
      I'll hug, I'll eat her up with love,
          Whole days, and nights and years
     Our Bed shall be a shady grove,
          A soft retreat from cares.

     I will my loving gut so cram,
          I never will give o'er,
     Like baby, who at breast of Mam,
          Tho' bursting, cries for more.

Noodle. Oh, Sir! this purpose of your soul     [pursue.
Bailiff. Oh, Sir! I have an action against you.
Noodle. At whose suit?
Bailiff. At your Taylor 's Sir.
Thumb. Ha! dogs! arrest my friend before my face!
Take here your fees--     [ draws and stabs 'em both .
Bailiff. Oh! I'm slain!
Follower. And I also.
Noodle. Go both to hell like rascals as ye are.
Thumb. Thus perish all the bailiffs in the land.

                                AIR XI.
      Come triumph, ye Debtors, a Bailiff, vile Foe,
     I've genteely sent to th' Infernals below;
     And tell me where else shou'd Bailiffs go,
          Who Fiendlike infest this great Town?

     Let all such rank weeds of the State go to pot,
     May stewing and boiling fall out to their lot;
     Without more ado pluck 'em up by the root,
          We cannot destroy them too soon.     



Huncamunca. Give me some musick--see that it be sad.     [ Solemn Musick.
Oh ! Thumb! Oh ! wherefore art thou Thumb?
Why not born of Royal Race?
Why had not mighty
Bantam been thy Father ?
Or else the King of Brentford, Old, or New ?
Cleora. Madam, the King.

Enter the King.

King. Let all but Huncamunca leave the room.     [ Exeunt Cleora and Mustacha.
Daughter, I have observ'd of late,
Some Grief unusual in your Countenance.
Say, what's the Cause?
Ha'n't you enough of Meat and Drink?
Huncamunca. Alas! my Lord, I value not myself,
That once I ate two fowls, and half a Pig;
Small is that Praise; but Oh! a Maid may want,
What she can neither eat or drink.
King. What's that?
Huncamunca. O spare my Blushes; but I mean a Husband.
King. If that be all, I have provided one;
A Husband great in Arms,
Whose Valour, Wisdom, Virtue, make a Noise,
Great as the Kettle-Drums of twenty Armies.
Huncamunca. Whom does my Royal Fater mean?
King. Tom Thumb.
Huncamunca. Is it possible?
[ Smiling.

King. A Country Dance of Joy is in your Face;
Your Eyes spit Fire, your Cheeks grow red as Beef.
Huncamunca. Yes, I will own, since licens'd by your Word,
I'll own Tom Thumb the Cause of all my Grief:
For him I've sighed, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my Sheets.
King. Then thou shalt gnaw thy Holland-Sheets no more,
A Husband thou shalt have to mumble now.
Huncamunca. O happy Sound.

                         AIR XII.
      Long my Maiden head in keeping
          I have had against my Will;
     It has cost me much sad weeping,
          Lest I should lead Apes in Hell.
     I thank my Stars that Fright is over,
          I shall try the Marriage-State;
     Twenty sure deserves a Lover,
          Or too hard's a Princess' Fate.

Oh! I am over-joy'd.
King. I see thou art.
This joyful News shall on our Tonge ride Post,
And we ourself will bear it to Tom Thumb .

                              AIR XIII.
      Yet you that take a Hero in your Arms,
     Can't hope t'engross him always by soft Charms:
     Various his Duty, various his Delight;
     Now is his turn to kiss, and now to fight;
     And now to kiss again--so mighty
     When with excessive thundering tir'd above;
     Comes down to Earth--and takes a Bit--and then
     Flies to his Trade of thundering back again.
     [ Exit King.

Enter Grizzle.

Grizzle. Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca , Oh!
Thy Breasts, like Kettle-Drums of Brass,
Beat loud Alarms of Joy;
As bright as Brass they are, and Oh! as hard.
Oh! Huncamunca ! Huncamunca , Oh!
Huncamunca. Ha! What Boldnes' this!
[Grizzle.] Yes, Princess, well I know your Rank;
But Love nor Meanness scorns, nor Grandeur dreads.
Love often Lords into the Cellar bears,
And bids as oft the Porter come up-stairs.
For what's too high for Love, or what too low?
Oh! Huncamunca ! Huncamunca , Oh!
Huncamunca. But granting all you say is true,
                         My Love, alas! is to another due.
                         In vain you come,
                         I'm promis'd to Tom Thumb .
Grizzle. And can you such a Durgen wed?
One fitter for your Pocket than your Bed?
Oh! fie! the puny Baby shun,
Or you will ne'er be brought to Bed of one.
Huncamunca. If what you say be true,
This Instant I renounce my Promise.

                         AIR XIV.
      By Promise I'm no longer bound;
     The strongest Vows must fall,
     When once a seeming Man is found,
     In fact, no Man at all.

Grizzle. Ah! sing that o'er again--let the
sweet Sound attend me as I fly
to Doctor's Commons for a licence.
Huncamunca. O no! lest some Disaster we shou'd meet,
'Twere better to be marry'd at the Fleet .
Grizzle. Forbit it, all ye Powers!

                            AIR XV.
      To gain the lov'd, the beauteous Fair,
     What various Dangers Man will run!
     But when for Love your Women dare,
     How greatly is he then outdone?
[t] ween two wide extremes all Women move,
     And more than Man, they either hate or love.
     They'll jump from Windows, run away,
     They will employ their utmost Skill;
     They'll marry, to prevent Delay,
     Both when, and how, and where you will.
     Between two wide Extremes all Women move,
     And more than Man, they either hate, or love.
     [ Exit Grizzle.

Enter Tom Thumb.

Thumb. Where's my Princess? where's my Huncamunca ?
Where are those Eyes, those Card-matches of Love,
That light up all with Love my waxen Soul?
Huncamunca. Oh! what is Musick to the Ear that's deaf?
Or a Goose-Pye to him that has no Taste?
What are these Praises now to me,
Since I am promis'd to another?
Thumb. Ha! promis'd?
Huncamunca. Too sure--'tis written in the Book of Fate.
Thumb. Then will I tear away the Leaf.

                         AIR XVI.
           Fond to Madness,
          Up to the Ears in whining Sadness,
     'Sdeath! what's Fate to him that doats!
          Pillag'd and robb'd,
          Of one we love fobb'd,
     I'd not be i' th' Filcher's Coats;
          He that worships God of Love,
          Minds not the Decrees of

Enter Glumdalca.

Glumdalca. I need not ask if you are Huncamunca .
Huncamunca. I am a Princess--and Thou--
Glumdalca. A Giantess; the Queen of those,
Who made and unmade Queens.
Huncamunca. The Man, whose chief Ambition is to be
My Sweetheart, has destroy'd these mighty Giants.
Glumdalca. Your Sweetheart?
Think you the Man, who once hath worn
My easy Chains, will e'er wear thine?
Huncamunca. Well may your Chains be easy,
Since try'd on twenty Husbands;
The Glove and Boot, pull'd on so many times,
May well set easy on the Hand or Foot.
Glumdalca. I glory in the Number.
Huncamunca. Let me view nearer what this Beauty is,
That captivates the Hearts of Men by Scores.     [ holds a Candle to her Face.
O Heav'n! thou are ugly as the Devil.
Glumdalca. The best Shoes in your Shop you'd give
To be but half so handsome.
Huncamunca. Since you come to that,
I'll put my Beauty to the Test;
Tom Thumb , I'm thine, if thou wilt go with me.
Glumdalca. O! stay, and thou alone shalt fill
That Bed wehre twenty Giants us'd to lie.
Thumb. Alas! I ne'er can do the Work of twenty.

                    AIR XVII.
      Madam, pray excuse the task,
     Faith! I am unequal to't;
     Some robuster Hero ask,
     Who can better grant your Suit.
     [ Exeunt Thumb and Huncamunca.

Glumdalca. What, left! scorn'd, loath'd for such a Chit!
I feel a Storm arising in my Mind;
Tempests and Whirwinds rise, and rowl and roar;
I'm all a Hurricane, as if
The World's four Winds were pent within my Carkass.
Confusion! Horror! Murder! Guts and Death

Enter the King.

King. Sure never was so sad a King as I!
To love a Captive and a Giantess!
O Love! O Love! how great a King art thou!
O Glumdalca !
Glumdalca. What do I hear?
King. What do I see?
Glumdalca. Oh!
King. Ah!
Glumdalca. Ah! wretched Queen!
King. Oh! wretched King!
Glumdalca. Ah!
King. Oh!     [ Exeunt.

Enter Tom Thumb, Huncamunca, and Parson

Parson. Happy's the wooing,
               That's not long a doing,
               And if I guess right,
                Tom Thumb this Night
Shall give a Being to a new Tom Thumb .
Thumb. It shall be my Endeavor so to do.
Huncamunca. Oh fye! I vow you make me blush.
Thumb. It is the Virgin's Sign, and suits you well.

                         AIR XVIII.
      But Blushes, these crimson Invaders,
     O strange! are now criminal thought;
     In Scandal and Censure the Traders,
     Bye and bye will call Bussing a Fault.
     And innocent Blush in us Lasses.
     Is Virtue but at second-hand;
     If we blush, we are told by these Asses,
     It is because we understand.


Long may ye live, and love, and propagate,
Till the whole Land be peopled with Tom Thumbs .

                            AIR XIX.
      So when the Cheshire- Cheese a Maggot breeds,
     Another and another still succeeds:
     By thousands and ten thousands they increase,
     Till one continu'd Maggot fills the rotten Cheese.

Enter Noodle.

Noodle. Never was Court more Bedlam -like,
All things are so confus'd! The King's in Love,
The Queen is drunk, the Princess marry'd is.

Enter Grizzle.

Grizzle. O Noodle , hast thou Huncamunca seen?
Noodle. I've seen a thousand Sights to-day:
The King, the Queen, and all the Court are Sights.
Grizzle. But what of Huncamunca ?
Noodle. By this time she is marry'd to Tom Thumb --
Grizzle. My Huncamunca ?
Noodle. Your Huncamunca--
's Huncamunca-- Every Body's Huncamunca.

                       AIR XX.
      Desp'rate is thy Case, I swear,
     Women love not shill I, shall I;
     Ten to one you lose the Fair,
     If in Love-Affairs you dally.
     There's a Crisis, which, when over,
     Makes you certain of their State;
     They will take the next new Lover,
     And cry, sneering--You're too late.

Grizzle. If this be true, all Womankind are damn'd.
Noodle. If she be not, may I be so myself.
And see she comes to prove I'm not a Lyar.

Enter Huncamunca.

Grizzle. Where has my Huncamunca been?
See here the Licence in my Hand!
Huncamunca. Alas! Tom Thumb.
Grizzle. Why do you mention him?
Huncamunca. Ah, me! Tom Thumb .--
Grizzle. Ah, me! I see you're false, and I am curs'd.
Huncamunca. O be not hasty to proclaim your Doom,
My ample Heart for more than one has Room;
A Maid like me Heav'n form'd at least for two;
I marry'd him, and now I'll marry you.

                              AIR XXI
      Prithee no frowning--let's have no resenting,
     For both I've enough, if all thou didst know:
     A Day or two hence you wou'd be repenting,
     And wish I had kept two Strings to my Bow:

Grizzle. Ha! do'st thou own thy Falshod to my Face?
Think'st thou I am so base to share they Bed?

                       AIR XXII.
      No,--no,--I will no Rival bear,
     Nor unreveng'd the Willow wear.
     Where's the puny modern Beau,
     Can such Legs and Shoulders shew?
     Modish Dame, two Lovers take,
           I will have you all, or none,
     But beware--the Court shall shake--
           So you may go pick that Bone.
     [ Exit.

Huncamunca. O fatal Rashness! should his Fury slay
My hapless Bridegroom on his Wedding-Day,
I, who this Morn, of two chose which to wed,
May go again this Night alone to Bed.

                         AIR XXIII.
      My Heart misgives me sadly!
          Some Lovers wo'n't be Fools;
     And Oh! I've acted madly,
          To fall between two Stools!
     Oh! wretched Situation!
          By wishing more than one,
     Oh! fatal Separation!
          I shall be left with none.

End of the Second Act.

SCENE Arthur's Palace.
Ghost solus.


Hail! ye black horrors of mid-night's mid-noon!
You Fairies , Goblins , Bats , and Screech-owls hail!
And oh! ye mortal watch-men, whose hoarse throats
Th' immortal ghosts dread croakings counterfeit,
All hail!

Enter King.

King. What noise is this? what villain dares,
At this dread hour, disturb our royal walls?
Ghost. One who defies thy empty pow'r to hurt him.
King. Presumptuous slave! thou diest!
Ghost. Threat others with that word,
I am a Ghost , and am already dead.
King. Have at thee Man, or Ghost --
Thou fly'st! 'tis well--     [ Ghost retires.]
I thought what was the courage of a Ghost !
Yet dare not walk again within these walls
On pain of the Red-Sea ;
For if henceforth I ever find thee here,
Sure as a Gun I'll have thee laid.
Ghost. Were the Red-Sea , a Sea of Holland's-Gin ,
The liquor, when alive, I did detest,
Yet for the sake of Thomas Thumb ,
I wou'd be laid therein.
King. Ha! said you?
Ghost. Yes, my liege, I said Tom Thumb ,
Whose Father's Ghost I am,
Once not unknown to mighty Arthur ;

                       AIR XXIV.
      I am a civil, friendly sprite,
     And come not hither to affright:
     I throw not topsy-turvy chairs,
     Nor tables rumbling down the stairs;
     Nor yet behind the Wainscot rap,
     Nor sudden make the casement flap:
     The doors not jar, nor curtains spread,
     Nor peep I in at feet of bed.

King. 'Tis he--it is the honest gaffer Thumb ,
Oh! let me press thee in my eager arms,
Thou best of Ghosts! thou something more than Ghost!
But say, thou dearest air! oh! say, what dread
Important business sends thee back to earth?
Ghost. Oh! then prepare to hear--
Thy Subjects are in arms, by Grizzle led,
Intending to besiege thy royal palace.
King. Thou ly'st, and thy intelligence is false
Hence--or by all the torments of thy Hell ,
I'll run thee thro' the body, tho' thou hast none.
Ghost. Arthur , beware!--I must this moment hence,
Not frightened by thy voice, but by the cocks.

                              AIR XXV.
      Slight not the warnings of us rambling sprites,
     Sent, for your good, thro' air, on dismal nights;
     Strive to avert thy yet impending Fate;
     For kill'd to day, to morrow, care's too late.
     [Ghost exit.

King. Oh! stay! and leave me not 'twixt Hawk and Buzzard .

Enter Queen.

Queen. Oh! what's the cause, my Arthur , that you steal
Thus silently from Dollalolla 's breast?
Why dost thou leave me in the dark alone,
When well thou know'st, I'm so afraid of Sprites ,
I cannot sleep?
King. Prithee, Dollalolla , do not blame me;
I hop'd the fumes of last night's punch had laid
Thy lovely eye-lids fast--but oh! I find
There is no pow'r in dreams to quiet wives.
Queen. Think, what must be thy wretched wife's surprise,
When, stretching-out her arms to hold thee fast,
She folds her useless Bolster in her arms.
Think! think on that! oh think! think well on that.

                       AIR XXVI.
      In bed we often lie awake,
           We cannot always sleep;
     When winds are high, and house does shake,
           We gladly closer creep.
     We simple women, when alone,
           Are nat'rally afraid;
     Least motion puts us in a swoon,
           Except when dear's in bed.

King. Oh! didst thou know one quarter what I know,
Then wou'dst thou know--alas! what thou wou'dst know?
Queen. What can I gather hence? why dost thou speak
Like men who carry Raree-shows about,
Now you shall see, gentlemen, what you shall see?
Oh, tell me more, or thou hast told too much.

Enter Noodle.

Noodle. Long life attend your Majesties--
Lord Grizzle , with a bold, rebellious crowd,
Advances to the palace, storming loud,
Unless the princess be deliver'd strait,
And the victorious Thumb , without his pate, }
They are resolv'd to batter down the gate.

Enter Huncamunca.

King. See, where the princess comes! where is Tom Thumb ?
Huncamunca. Oh! Sir, about an hour and a half ago,
He sallied out to fag the Foe,
And swore upon his great, his warlike soul,
He'd make a Grizzle's Head a Nine-pin bowl.
Come, Dollalolla , Huncamunca , come,
Within we'll wait securely for brave Thumb .
Tho' Men and Giants shou'd conspire with Gods,
Yet he alone is equal to those odds.
Queen. He is indeed a Helmet to us all,
While he supports, we need not fear to fall.

                       AIR XXVII.
      His Life to us is what of yore,
Pallas to the Trojan loons;
     While that's preserv'd, the State may snore,
           And safely we may spend our Crowns.
     Best watch-men of a nodding State;
           In this a monarch's wisdom lies,
     To chuse such servants as are great,
           And fit for ev'ry enterprise.
     [ Exeunt.


Enter Lord Grizzle, Foodle, and Rebels.

Grizzle. Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd;
For tho' we have not fought, yet we have found
No enemy to fight withal.
Foodle. And yet, methinks, we'd best avoid this day,
This first of April to engage our foes.
Grizzle. This day, of all the days of the year, I'd chuse;
God's? I will make Tom Thumb an April Fool.
Foodle. I'm glad to find our army is so stout.
Grizzle. What friends we have, and how we came so strong.
I'll softly tell you as we march along.     [ Exeunt.

Thunder and Lightning.

Enter Tom Thumb, Glumdalca, cum suis.

Thumb. Is this the noise of thunder, or of coaches?
Hark!     [Merlin calls from behind.
Merlin. Tom Thumb !
Thumb. What voice is this I hear?
Merlin. Tom Thumb !
Thumb. Again it calls.
Merlin. Tom Thumb !
Thumb. Thrice I've heard my name.
Appear, whoe'er thou art, I fear thee not.

Enter Merlin.

Thou hast no cause to fear--I am thy friend--
Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade,
And to my art thou dost my being owe.
Thumb. How!
Merlin. Hear then the mystick getting of Tom Thumb .

                       AIR XXVIII.
      His Father was a ploughman plain,
           His mother milk'd the cow;
     And yet the way to get a son,
           This couple knew not how.

     Until such time the good old Man,
           To learned
Merlin goes,
     And there to him in great distress,
           In secret manner shews;

     How in his heart he wish'd to have
           A child, in time to come,
     To be his heir, tho' it might be
           No bigger than his

      Of which old Merlin was foretold,
           That he his wish shou'd have;
     And so a son of stature small,
           The charmer to him gave.

Thou'st heard the past, look,--up and see the future.

Thumb. Ha! my sense is in a wood:
See there, Glumdalca , see another me.
Glumdalca. O sight of horror! see you are devour'd
By the expanded jaws of a Red Cow .
Merlin. Be not dismay'd; for this heroic Act
Shall gain thee fame immortal;
Ages unborn shall warble this soft theme,
In tunefull Opera,
Exceeding far Hydaspes, Rosamond,
or Arsinoe.
Thumb. Enough--let ev'ry warlike music sound,
We fall contented if we fall renown'd.

                       AIR XXIX.
      To have my Actions in soft musick told,
           What greater renown can I crave?
     Oh! the pleasure 'will be, like the hero's of old.
           To be ha, ha, ha'd, in my grave!

     Lords suscribing gold galore;
           Oh what clapping will be there!
     Such a thundring loun
Encore ,
           As will make a dead man stare!

Enter Grizzle, Foodle, Rebels, on the other side of the Stage.

Foodle. At length, the enemy advances nigh,
I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.
Grizzle. Draw all your swords--for Liberty we fight,
And Liberty the mustard is of life.
Thumb. Are you the man, whom men fam'd Grizzle call?
Grizzle. Are you the much more fam'd Tom Thumb ?
Thumb. The same.
Grizzle. Come on--for Liberty I fight.
Thumb. And I for Love.     [ A bloody engagement between the two armies here drums beating, trumpets sounding, thunder and lightning--they fight off and on several time--some fall--
Grizzle and Glumdalca remain.

Glumdalca. Turn, coward, turn, nor from a woman fly.
Grizzle. Away--thou art not worthy of my arm.
Glumdalca. Have at thy heart then--
Grizzle. Nay, then I thrust at thine.
Glumdalca. Too well you thrust, you've run me thro' the Guts.
Oh! I'm dead, but not with joy--
Grizzle. Then, there's an end of one.

Re-enter Thumb, etc.

Thumb. When thou art dead, then there's and end of two.
Grizzle. Tom Thumb!
Thumb. Rebel!
Grizzle. Tom Thumb!
Thumb. Hell!
Grizzle. Huncamunca!
Thumb. Thou hast it there.
Grizzle. Too sure I have.
Thumb. To hell, thou rebel!
Grizzle. Triumph not, Thumb , nor think thou shalt enjoy
Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd--I'll send
My Ghost to fetch her to the other world;
It shall but bait at heav'n, and then return.
But ha! I feel death rummaging my spirits.

                       AIR XXX.
      My body's like a bankrupt's shop,
           My creditor is a cruel death,
     Who puts to trade of life a stop,
           And will be paid with this last breath;

Oh!     [ groans and dies. ]

Thumb. With those last words he vomited his soul,
Which he hath voided in the devil's close-stool--
Bear off the body, and cut off the head,
For me to lug in triumph to the King--
Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to break-fast.

                       AIR XXXI.
      An artist who has overcome,
           Antagonist at skittle-ground,
     Withdraws unto some private room,
           And smokes, and hands the full pot round.

     We must take breath in all we do,
           An interval whets appetite;
     Unless we eat and drink, you know,
           We cannot either love, or fight.

Enter King, Queen, Huncamunca, and Courtiers.

King. Open the prisons, set the wretched free,
And bid our Treasurer disburse six pounds
To pay their debts--come, sit we down;
Here seated let us view the dancers sports--
Bid them advance--this is the wedding-day,
Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb ;
Tom Thumb ! who wins two victories to-day,
And this way marches, bearing Grizzle 's head.

A Dance here.
Enter Noodle.

Noodle. Oh! monstrous! dreadful! terrible! oh! oh!
Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes!
Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost!
Howl Wolves! grunt Bears! hiss Snakes!
Shriek all ye Ghosts!
King. What does the blockhead mean?
Noodle. Only to grace my tale with decent horror:
Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high,
I look abroad to take the air,
I saw Tom Thumb attended by a mob;
Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links,
Chairmen and porters, hachney-coachmen--whores,
Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle ,
When on a sudden thro' the streets there came
A Cow , much larger than the usual size,
And in a moment--Oh! guess the rest
And in a moment, swallow'd up Tom Thumb !
King. Shut up again the prisons--bid my treasurer
Not give three farthings out--hang all the Culprits ,
Guilty, or not,--no matter--ravish virgins--
Go bid the school-masters whip all their boys;
Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose
To rob, impose on, and to kill the world.
Noodle. Her Majesty the Queen is in a swoon.
Queen. Not so much a swoon, but I have still
Strength to reward the messenger of ill news.     [ Stabs him.
Noodle. Oh! I am slain.
Cleora. My lover's kill'd, and I revenge him so.     [ Stabs the Queen.
Huncamunca. My mamma kill'd! vile murtheress! there.     [ Stabs Cleora.
Doodle. This for an old grudge, to thy heart.     [ Stabs Huncamunca.
Mustacha. And this I drive to thine,
O Doodle for a new one.     [ Stabs Doodle.
King. Ha! murdress vile! take that.     [ Stabs Mustacha.
And take thou this--     [ Kills himself and falls.

                       AIR XXXII.
      A monarch, when his people's gone,
     Wou'd look but awkward on a throne.
     With pleasure then resign thy crown,
     Since all they subjects are o'er thrown.
     What signifies it to survive,
     When only thou art left alive?

Oh!     [ Dies.      

Enter Sir Crit-Operatical and Modely.

Modely. Well, Sir Crit-Operatical , how like you the Entertainment so far?
Sir Crit-Operatical. Faith, Sir, 'tis as pretty a Banquet of dead Bodies as a Sexton could wish, and Variety--but I hope Mr. Modely has a better Opinion of the Tenderness, as well as Regularity of my musical Disposition, than to imagine I can see such a stupid, irregular, and abominable Catastrophe, without Indignation.
Modely. Have Patience, till you see the Catastrophe.
Sir Crit-Operatical. I would be glad to know who ever saw an Italian Opera end tragically? By Gad, when we English imitate any Thing that's foreign, we do it so awkwardly! There's something of Whim in the Opera, but split me, this will infallibly damn it in the Eyes of all good Judges--I could almost cudgel the Rogue, that committed so unparallel'd a Blunder.
Modely. But good Sir Crit , keep your Temper till you see the Catastrophe.
Sir Crit-Operatical. Catastrophe! Why, the Actors are all dead, and unless the Author can give them a new Being, he will never be able to give his Opera another Ending.
Modely. But I hear they are not really dead.
Sir Crit-Operatical. How! not dead?
Modely. No, Sir; they are only inchanted; for you must know, Merlin interpos'd in their Fall, and intends, by Virtue of the same Magick Art, to make them all rise again, in Order to give a happy Conclusion to the Opera. And see--he comes.

Enter Merlin.

Merlin. Sweet Goddess of inchanting Strains,
That steal'st, like Drink, into Men's Brains;
Great Trader in soft, melting, Wane;
Thou best of Cradles to our Care,
Lend thy harmonious Aid to free
From magick Spell this Company.     [ solemn Music.
And first arise, thou fell--thou hideous Brute--      [ waves his wand.
Thou rav'nous Cow!--I do conjure thee to't.

A Red Cow appears.      [ Curtain drops.
Now by emetick Power, Red Cannibal,      [ waves his Wand.
Cast up thy Pris'ner, England's Hannibal .
Forth from her growling Guts, brave Worthy, come,
And be thyself--the Little Great TOM THUMB.      [ he comes out of her Mouth, after which she disappears .
Now King, now Lords, now Commons, all arise;      [ waves his Wand over each as he speaks.
Be loose your Tongues, and open all your Eyes;
Be chang'd from what ye were--let Faction cease,
And ev'ry one enjoy his Love in Peace!     [ they rise up.
Sir Crit-Operatical. Wond'rous, astonishing Plot! more sudden than the Reprieve in the Beggars Opera --a Transformation exceeding all Transformation--even the Comical Transformation, or any in Ovid's Metamorphosis .

King. O Dollalolla ! O my Queen!
Thou only art my Queen!
Queen. O Arthur ! O my King!
Thou only art my King!
Huncamunca. O TOM THUMB!
Thumb. O Huncamunca !
Grizzle. Rub well thy Eyes, O Grizzle , to see clear!
Hast thou been in the Moon, or in a Sleep?
That matters not, but this I know,
I've slept myself into a better Mood.
Pardon my late Rebellion, good my Liege--
Tom Thumb , be happy in thy Hunky 's Love--
O sweet Glumdalca ! could'st thou be so with me,
But half a Giant, yet an able Man.
Glumdalca. The Offer's kind, and not to be rejected
By one in my sad Case--a Stranger here--
Some hundred thousand Leagues, or more,
From any of my Giant Country-men.

                       AIR XXXIII.
      Dimension, in Lovers, takes all knowing Lasses,
           From twenty to thirty, or more;
     But little or great, no matter, he passes
           With longing Old Maids of two Score.
     For be he short, or be he tall,
           One's better, sure, than none at all.

Thumb. Rebellions' dead, tho' we are all alive;
Cur'd by a Miracle, by giving Life,
While others heal by taking it away--
Inchantment happy! Conjuror most blest!
Among the Faculty of Quacks the best.

Thumb. Tell, Hunky , without feigning,
Dost thou longer like abstaining?
Huncamunca. View my eyes, and know my meaning.
Thumb. I see the lent of love is past;
Huncamunca. And yet I have not broke my fast;
Thumb. But soon you shall--I'm in the fit.--
Huncamunca. For what?
Thumb. To love.
Huncamunca. Then, prithee humour it.
Both. Ay, prithee let us humor it.
Huncamunca. But dear Tommy , prithee say,
Wilt thou never go astray?
Thumb. I'll be constant as times go;
I'll sup abroad a night or so.
Huncamunca. But what if I should do the same?
Thumb. You'd only do like modish dame.
Huncamunca. Pshaw! rather let us faithful prove;
Who shares a lover, does not love.
Both. Who shares a lover does not love.
King. Bravo! Bravissimo!
Thrice three! full nine times happy Arthur !
Shew me the King, who is so bless'd as I?
My Subjects now no longer by the ears,
But all shake hands, like friends, with one another.

Let fierce animosities cease,
Let all marry'd couples agree,
Let each his own wife kiss in peace,
And end all their Cavils as we.


Next: The Quest of the Sangraal, by Robert S. Hawker [1864]