Envocation to Priapus: 19th Century Engraving of a Bas-Relief from Pompeii

PRIAPEIA

SPORTIVE EPIGRAMS ON PRIAPUS

by divers poets in English verse and prose

translation by Leonard C. Smithers and Sir Richard Burton

[1890]

Scanned at www.sacred-texts.com, December, 2000.

{NOTE: this has been scanned from available versions of the Smithers and Burton Priapeia, which lack the Latin version, and merged with a Latin version found on the Internet, which does not include some of the final epigrams and has a slightly different ordering from the English translation. About a dozen additional Latin verses were provided by Ken Butler. We have taken care to match the Latin and English verses. The original edition is hard to obtain, but we will attempt to update this file if such an edition becomes available. This file probably contains 99% of the material in the original Smithers and Burton edition; at this time only about four Latin verses are missing.

Despite the disclaimer in the Introduction, it can be established fairly easily that Burton authored the 'Notes explanatory and Illustrative and Excursus'; it bears his unique style and knowledge of erotology, as well as numerous shameless 'plugs' for his other books.}

Contents

Introduction

A Word to the Reader

THE EPIGRAMS

To the Reader

Additional Epigram

NOTES EXPLANATORY AND ILLUSTRATIVE AND EXCURSUS

List of terms used in the Priapeia as designations of Priapus

List of term used in the Priapeia to designate the virile member of Priapus

Alphabetical list of additional terms used by Latin authors in designation of the male sexual organ

List of terms used in the Priapeia to designate the female sexual organ

Alphabetical list of additional terms used by Latin authors in designation of the female sexual organ

Sodomy with Women

Erotic Classical Writers

List of agricultural and horticultural terms used tropically in a venereal sense

Sodomy

Irrumation

The Supine Posture in Coition

Dancing Girls

Masturbation

Depilation by Catamites

Braccae

Bestiality

Postures of Coition

Infibulation

The Cunnilinges

Index of First Lines

I have such papers that grim Cato's wife
May read, and strictest Sabines in their life.
I will this book should laugh throughout and jest,
And be more wicked than are all the rest,
And sweat with wine, and with rich unguents flow,
And sport with boys, and with the wenches too;
Nor by periphrasis describe that thing
That common parent whence we all do spring;
Which sacred Numa once a prick did call.
Yet still suppose these verses Saturnal.
(O my Apollinaris) this my book
Has no dissembled manners, no feign'd look.

--FLETCHER'S Martial

Introduction

The Priapeia, now for the first time literally and completely translated into English verse and prose, is a collection of short Latin poems in the shape of jocose epigrams affixed to the statues of the god Priapus. These were often rude carvings from a tree-trunk, human-shaped, with a huge phallus which could at need be used as a cudgel against robbers, and they were placed in the gardens of wealthy Romans, for the twofold purpose of promoting fertility and of preventing depredations on the produce.

Most of these facetiae are by unknown authors. Although they appear in early editions of Vergil, and are attributed to that writer by J. M. Catanaeus, it is, to say the least, doubtful that he played any part in their authorship. Politian attributes them to Ovid; others, such as François Guiet, hold Domitius Marsus to be their author. The general opinion is that they are the collective work of a group of beaux esprits who formed a reunion at the house of Maecenas (the well known patron of Horace), and who amused themselves by writing these verses in a garden-temple consecrated to Priapus. Subsequently Martial and Petronius added several imitative epigrams, and eventually the whole were collected in one volume by the writer of the opening verses. Catullus, Tibullus, Cinna and Anser are also credited with a share in the work. The cento consists chiefly of laudatory monologues by Priapus himself, jocosely and satirically written, in praise of his most prominent part--the mentule--and of fearful warnings to thieves not to infringe upon the Garden God's domains under pain of certain penalties and punishments, obscene and facetious. At times a witty epigram sparkles from the pages, notably numbers 2, 14, 2 5, 37, 47, 69 and 84, the Homeric burlesque in number 69 being merum sal, whilst numbers 46 and 70 show a degree of pornography difficult to parallel.

That the Priapeia has not hitherto been translated into the English tongue is to be expected: the nature of the work is such that it cannot, be included in a popular edition of the classics. But to the philological and anthropological student this collection is most valuable, and the reason for omitting it from the list of translations is not applicable to a version produced for private circulation and limited to an edition of five hundred copies. Putting aside conventionalities, the translators have endeavoured to produce a faithful reflection of the original Latin, shirking no passages, but rendering all the formidably plain-spoken expressions in a translation as close as the idioms of the two languages allow. Indeed the keynote to the volume will be found in Epigrams 1 and 46, on pages 33 and 70, verses probably scrawled on the temple walls of Priapus or scribbled upon the base of his statue by some libertine poet.

Although the value of the work in illustrating the customs of the old Romans may be small per se, yet when read in conjunction with the legacies of certain writers (Catullus, Petronius, Martial, Juvenal and Ausonius, for example), it explains and corroborates their notices of sundry esoteric practices, and thus becomes a supplement to their writings. With the view of making the work an explanatory guide to the erotic dicta of the authors above-mentioned, the bulk of the notes and the excursus explaining and illustrating the text and exceeding its length by some five times is devoted to articles on pederasty with both sexes, irrumation, the cunnilinges, masturbation, bestiality, various figurae Veneris (modes and postures of coition, particularly that in which the man lies supine under the woman); excerpts from the Latin erotic vocabulary, including exhaustive lists of Latin terms designating the sexual organs, male and female; a list of classical amatory writers, and a host of miscellaneous matters, e.g. the habits of the Roman dancing-girls, eunuchism, tribadism of the Roman matrons, the use of phalli, religious prostitution, aphrodisiacs, the 'infamous' finger, tabellae or licentious paintings, the fibula as a preventive of coition, the crepitus ventris, etc., etc., illustrated by poetical versions of many of the epigrams culled from various sources, by parallel elucidatory passages (many hitherto untranslated) from classical writers, and by quotations from authors, ancient and modern.

English literary students have good reason to congratulate them selves on the collaboration of a certain talented littérateur, the mere mention of whose name would be a sufficient guarantee for the quality of the work. He has most kindly enriched the volume with a complete metrical version of the epigrams, and this is, indeed, the principal raison d'être of this issue. I have also gratefully to acknowledge obligations of no small weight, not only for his careful and thorough revision of the prose portion of the translation, but also for the liberal manner in which I have availed myself of his previous labours in the preparation of my notes and excursus. The name of Sir Richard F. Burton, translator of The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, has been inadvertently connected with the present work. It is, however, only fair to state that under the circumstances he distinctly disclaims having taken any part in the issue.

And here I may state that a complete and literal translation of the works of Catullus, on the same lines and in the same format as the present volume, is now in preparation. Catullus is, of all the Latin poets, the one who has been oftenest paraphrased and traduced, and even yet, in the year of grace 1890, we have no version of him in our tongue which can be regarded by the student as definitive. Of the merits of Catullus's poesy and the desirability of a trustworthy translation there is no need to speak.

A long dissertation on Priapic worship, the Linga-pújá of the Hindus, considered as an ancient and venerable faith, would be out of place in this recueil; consequently that subject is merely glanced at in the next few pages, most of the information here presented being drawn from modern volumes which contain a digest of the writings of well-known authorities and specialists.

In the earliest ages the worship of the generative Energy was of the most simple and artless character, rude in manner, primitive in form, chaste in idea, the homage of man to the Supreme Power, the Author of Life, the Sun, as symbolised by the reproductive force.

Afterwards the cult became depraved, a religion of feeling, of sensuousness, corrupted by a priesthood who, not slow to take advantage of this state of affairs, inculcated therewith profligate and mysterious ceremonies, union of gods with women, religious prostitution and other sexual rites. Thus it was not long before the emblems lost their real and original meaning, and became licentious statues and debased art.[1] Hence we have the debauched ceremonies at the festivals of Bacchus, who became, not only the representative of the creative

Energy, but the god of pleasure and licentiousness.

This corrupted religion readily found eager votaries, captives to a pleasant bondage compelled by the impulse of physical luxury: such was the case in India and Egypt, and among the Phoenicians, Babylonians, Hebrews and other Eastern races.

Sex-worship once personified became the supreme and governing deity, enthroned as the ruling god over all; and monarchs, complying with the prevailing faith, became willing devotees to the cult of Isis and Venus on the one hand, and on the other of Bacchus and Priapus, appealing, as they did, to the most tyrannical passion of human nature.

The worship of Priapus amongst the Romans was derived from the Egyptians, who, under the form of Apis, the Sacred Bull, adored the generative Power of Nature; and as the syllable pri or pre signifies (we are assured) principle, production, natural or original source, the word Priapus may be translated principle of production or of fecundation of Apis. The same symbol also bore among the Romans the names of Tutenus, Mutinus[1] and Fascinum.[2] According to Macrobius, the corresponding deity amongst the Egyptians was called Horus--a personification of the sun. This Horus is painted as a winged youth, with a quoit lying at his feet, a sceptre in his right hand, and in his left a Phallus[3] equal in size to the rest of his body. The Phallus was the ancient emblem of creation, and representative of the gods Bacchus, Priapus, Hercules, Siva, Osiris, Baal and Asher, who were all Phallic deities, the symbols

being used as signs of the all-creative Energy or operating Power of the Demiurgos, from no consideration of mere animal appetite but in token of the highest reverence.[1] The tortoise, believed to have been androgynous, was chosen to accompany statues of Venus. The fig was a still more common symbol, the statue of Priapus being made of that tree, and the fruit being carried with the Phallus in the ancient processions to the honour of Bacchus. In conformity with the religious ideas of the Greeks and Romans, Vergil describes the products of the globe as the result of the conjugal act between Jupiter (the sky) and Juno (the earth). Among the Greeks, the membrum virile was borne in procession to the temple of Bacchus and was there crowned with a garland by one of the most respectable matrons of the city. According to St Augustine the sexual organ of man was consecrated in the temple of Liber, that of women in the sanctuaries of Liberia, these two divinities being named father and mother. Payne Knight states that Priapus, in his character of procreative deity, is celebrated by the Greek poets under the title of Love or Attraction, the first principle of Animation, the father of gods and men, the regulator and dispenser of all things. He Is said to pervade the universe with the motion of his wings, bringing pure light, and thence to be called 'the splendid, the self-illumined, the ruling Priapus'. According to Natalis Comes, the worship of Priapus was introduced into Athens by express order of an oracle.

The Priapi were of different forms, some having only a human head and the Phallus, some with the head of Pan or of a faun--that is, with the beard and ears of a goat. Among the paintings found in Pompeii there are several representations of hircine sacrifices and offerings of milk and flowers to Priapus. The god is represented as a Hermes on a square pedestal, with the usual characteristic of the deity, a prominent Phallus. Similar Hermae or Priapi were placed at the forkings of two or three roads, and were confounded with the divinities Mercury and Terminus presiding over boundaries. When furnished with arms, in his character of 'Terminus', Priapus held with one hand a reaping hook and, like Osiris, grasped with the other the characteristic feature of his divinity which was always of a monstrous size and in a state of statant energy. One of the paintings discovered at Pompeii represents a sacrifice or offering to Priapus, made by two persons. The first is a young man with a dark skin, entirely naked, except for the animal's skin

which is wrapped round his loins, his head being encircled with a wreath of leaves. He carries a basket wherein are flowers and vegetables, the first offerings of his humble farm; and he bends to place them at the foot of a little altar, on which there is a small statue in bronze representing the god of gardens. On the other side is a woman, also wearing a wreath, and dressed in a yellow tunic with green drapery; she holds in her left hand a golden dish and in her right a vase and she appears to be bringing an offering of milk:

VERGIL, Eclogues

Offerings were made to Priapus according to the season of the year:

Epigram 86

In another painting Priapus is represented as placed on a square stone, against which rest two sticks. His head is covered with a cap, he has a small mantle on his shoulder, and exhibits his usual prominent characteristic.[1] According to Herodotus and Pausanias statues of Mercury were represented as ithyphallic,[2] and the latter mentions one in particular at Cyllene.

In the towns Priapus had public chapels, whither devotees suffering from maladies connected with his attributes repaired for the purpose of offering to him ex-votos figuring the parts afflicted; these ex-votos being sometimes paintings and, at others, statuettes made of wax or of wood, and occasionally of metal, stone and marble. Females as superstitious as they were lascivious might be seen offering in public to Priapus as many garlands as they had had lovers. These they would hang upon the enormous phallus of the idol, which was often hidden from sight behind the number suspended by one woman alone. Others presented to the god as many phalli, made of willow-wood, as the men whom

they had vanquished in a single night. St Augustine informs us that it was considered by the Roman ladies a very proper and pious custom for young brides to seat themselves upon the monstrous member of Priapus; and Lactantius says, 'Shall I speak of that Mutinus, upon the extremity of which brides are accustomed to seat themselves in order that the god may appear to have been the first to receive the sacrifice of their modesty?'

These facts prove that the worship of Priapus had greatly degenerated amongst the Romans since, losing sight altogether of the object typified, they attached themselves to the symbol alone, in which they could see only what was indecent; and hence religion became a pretext for libertinism. Respected so long as Roman manners presented their pristine simplicity, but degraded and vilified in proportion as the morals of that people became corrupted, the very sanctuary itself of Priapus failed to protect him from the biting sarcasm of the poets, and the obloquy and ridicule of the wits. Thus his statue[1] was placed in orchards as a scarecrow to drive away superstitious thieves, as well as children and birds.

The 'personal' history of Priapus represents him as the son of Dionysus and Aphrodite. It is said that Aphrodite, who was in love with Dionysus, went to meet him on his return from India, but soon abandoning him, made for Lampsacus, and there gave birth to her child by the god. Hera, who was dissatisfied with her conduct, caused her to bear a babe of extreme ugliness, who was presently named Priapus. The earliest Greek poets, as Homer and Hesiod, do not mention this divinity, and it was only in later times that he was honoured with divine worship. He was adored more especially at Lampsacus on the Hellespont, whence he is sometimes called Hellespondiacus.[2] By some writers Priapus is said to have been the son of Dionysus and a nymph called Chione. He was regarded as the promoter of fertility both in vegetation and in all animals connected with an agricultural life, and in this capacity he was addressed as the protector of sheep and goats, of bees, of the vine, of all garden produce and even of fishing. Like other divinities presiding

over agricultural pursuits, he was believed to be possessed of prophetic powers and he is sometimes mentioned in the plural. As Priapus had many attributes in common with other gods of fertility, the Orphics identified him with their mystic Dionysus, Hermes, Helios and others. The Attic legends connect Priapus with such sensual and licentious beings as Conisalus, Orthanes and Tychon; in like manner he was confounded by the Italians with Mutunus or Muttunus, the personification (as has been shown) of Nature's fructifying power. The sacrifices offered to him consisted of the firstlings of gardens, vineyards and fields; of milk, honey, calves, rams, asses and fishes. He was represented by carved images, mostly in the form of Hermae, carrying fruit in the sinus of the garment and either a sickle or cornucopia in the hand; the statues of Priapus in Italy, like those of other rustic divinities, were usually painted red, whence the god is called ruber or rubicundus.[1] A chief seat of the worship of this god was Priapus, a city of Mysia, on the Propontis, a colony of the Milesians; in Spain he was worshipped under the name of Hortanes, and in Slavonia under the appellation of Pripe-gala.

Antwerp was the Lampsacus of Belgium, Priapus being the tutelary god of that city; Ters was the name given to him by the inhabitants, who held this divinity in the highest veneration. Females were accustomed to invoke him on the most trivial occasions, a custom which, Goropius informs us, continued as late as the sixteenth century; and in order to eradicate or replace that superstition by the ceremonies of the Christian Church, Godefroy de Bouillon, the illustrious leader of the First Crusade, sent from Jerusalem, as a present of inestimable value, the foreskin of Jesus Christ, of which no less than twelve are still said to be extant.

Sir W. Hamilton's account of the worship paid to St Cosmo and St Damiano is very curious:

On the 17th September, at Isernia, one of the most ancient cities of the kingdom of Naples, situated in the Contado di Molise, and adjoining the Abuzzo, an annual fair is held which lasts three days. In the city and at the fair, ex-votos of wax, representing the male parts of generation, of various dimensions, sometimes even of the length of a palm, are publicly exposed for sale. There are also waxen vows that represent other parts of the body; but of these there are few in comparison with the Priapi.

The distributors of these vows carry a basket full of them in one

hand, and hold a plate in the other to receive the money, crying out, 'Saints Cosmos and Damiano!' If you ask the price of one, the answer is 'Più ci metti, più meriti'--the more you contribute, the more the merit The vows are chiefly purchased by the female sex and they are seldom such as represent legs, arms, etc., but most commonly the male parts of generation. The person who was at the fête in the year 1780, and who gave me this account (the authenticity of which has since been confirmed to me by the Governor of Isernia), told me also he heard a woman say, at the time she presented a vow, 'Santo Cosmo, benedetto, cosi lo voglio!'--'Blessed St Cosmo, let it be like this!' The vow is never presented without being accompanied by a piece of money, and is always, kissed by the devotee at the moment of presentation.

But, as might naturally be expected, this ghostly voluptas does not suffice to fructify barren women; and, consequently, another ceremony, doubtless more efficacious, was required. The votaries who resorted to this fair slept there for two nights, some in the Church of the Capuchin friars and the others in that of the Cordeliers; when these two were insufficient to contain all the devotees, the Church of the Hermitage of St Cosine, received the overflow.

In the three edifices the women during the two nights were separated from the men, the latter lying under the vestibule, and all the others in the chapels. These, whether in the Church of the Capuchins, or in that of the Cordeliers, were under the protection of the father guardian, the vicar, and a monk of merit. In the Hermitage it was the hermit himself who watched over them. From this it may easily be imagined how the miracle was effected without troubling St Cosmo and St Damiano, as well as that the virtue possessed by these two saints extended to young maidens and widows.

In the neighbourhood of Brest stood the chapel of the famous Saint Guignole or Guingalais, whose Phallic symbol consisted of a long wooden beam, which passed right through the body of the saint, and whose forepart was strikingly characteristic. The devotees of this place, like those of Puy-en-Velay, most devoutly rasped the extremity of this miraculous symbol, for the purpose of drinking the scrapings, mixed with water, as an antidote against sterility; and when, by the frequent repetition of this operation, the beam was worn away, a blow from the mallet in the rear of the saint propelled it to the fore. Thus, although it was being continually scraped, it appeared never to diminish, a miracle due exclusively to the mallet.

I will conclude this hasty sketch of the Priapic cult with a brief description of the Dionysia, or festivals celebrated in honour of Bacchus, which throw considerable fight on this worship. They were brought from Egypt into Greece by Melampus, the son of Amithaon, and the Athenians celebrated them with more pomp than the other Greeks. The principal Archon presided over diem, and the priests who celebrated the religious rites occupied the first places in the theatre and in the public assemblies. Originally these festivals exhibited neither extravagance nor splendour, they were simply devoted to joy and pleasure within the houses; all public ceremonies were confined to a procession, in which there appeared a vase full of wine and, wreathed with vine leaves, a goat, a basket of figs and the Phalli. At a later period this function was celebrated with greater pomp; the number of priests of Bacchus increased; those who took part therein were suitably dressed, and sought by their gestures to represent some of the customs which faith attributed to the god of wine. They dressed themselves in fawn skins; they wore on head a mitre; they bore in hand a thyrsus, a tympanum or a flute and their brows were wreathed with ivy, vine leaves and pine-branches. Some imitated the dress and fantastic postures of Silenus, of Pan and of the Satyrs; they covered their legs with goatskins, and carried the horns of animals; they rode on asses, and dragged after them goats intended for sacrifice. In the town this frenzied crowd was followed by priests carrying sacred vases, the first of which was filled with water, then followed young girls selected from the most distinguished families, and called Canephori, because they bore small baskets of gold full of all sorts of fruit, of cakes and of salt; but the principal object among these, according to St Croix, was the Phallus, made of the wood of a fig tree. (In the comedy of the Acharnians, by Aristophanes, one of the characters in the play says, 'Come forward a little, Canephoros, and you, Xianthias, slave, place the Phallus erect.')

After these came the Periphallia, a troop of men who carried long poles with Phalli[1] hung at the end of them; they were crowned with violets and ivy, and they walked repeating obscene songs. These men

were called Phallophori;[1] these must not be confounded with the Ithyphalli, who, in indecent dresses and sometimes in women's costume, with garlanded heads and hands full of flowers, and pretending to be drunk, wore at their waist-bands monstrous Phalli made of wood or leather; among the Ithyphalli also must be counted those who assumed the costume of Pan or the Satyrs. There were other persons, called Lychnophori, who had care of the mystic winnowing-fan, an emblem whose presence was held indispensable in these kinds of festivals. Hence the epithet 'Lychnite', given to Bacchus.

Outside the town, the more respectable persons, the matrons and modest virgins, separated themselves from the procession. But the people, the countless multitude of Sileni, of Satyrs and of Nymph-bacchantes, spread themselves over the open spaces and the valleys, stopping in solitary places to get up dances or to celebrate some festival and making the rocks re-echo with the sound of drums, of flutes, and more especially with cries, constantly repeated, by which they invoked the god: 'Evohé Sabæe! Evohé Bacche! O Iacche! Io Bacche!' The first of these words recalls the words with which Jupiter encouraged Bacchus when, in the Giants' War, the latter defended his father's throne.

The description here given applied chiefly to the greater Dionysia, or to the new Dionysia; there were six other festivals of this name, the ceremonies of which must have borne some resemblance to those already mentioned. There were, in the first place, the ancient Dionysia, which were celebrated at Limnae, and in which appeared fourteen priestesses called Geraerae, who, before entering on their duties, swore that they were pure and chaste. There were the lesser Dionysia, which were celebrated in the autumn, and in the country; the Brauronia of Brauron, a village of Attica; the Nyctelia, whose mysteries it was forbidden to reveal; the Theoina; the Lenean festivals of the wine press; the Omophagia in honour of Bacchus Carnivorus, to whom human victims were formerly offered, and whose Priests ate raw meat; the Arcadian, celebrated in Arcadia by dramatic contests; and, lastly, the Trieterica, which were repeated every three years in memory of the period during which Bacchus made his expedition to further Ind.

The Bacchic mysteries and orgies are said to have been introduced from Southern Italy into Etruria, and thence to Rome. Originally they were celebrated only by women, but afterwards men were admitted, and

their presence led to the greatest disorders. In these festivals, the Phallus played a prominent part, and was publicly exhibited. At Lavinium the festival lasted a month, during which time a Phallus, remarkable for its proportions, was carried each day through the streets. The coarsest language was heard on all sides and a matron of one of the most considerable families placed a wreath on this suggestive image.

Pacula Annia, pretending to act under the inspiration of Bacchus, ordered that the Bacchanalia should be held during five days in every month. It was from the time of these orgies being carried on after this plan that, according to the statement of an eye-witness (Livy xxxix, 13), licentiousness prevailed and crimes of every description were committed. Disorder was carried to such an excess that the Senate in 186 B.C. issued a decree to suppress and prohibit these festivals; and it was ordered that no Bacchanalia should be held in Rome or in Italy.

I may here offer a few bibliographical details on the principal editions of the Priapeia. Five leaves in some copies of the Editio Princeps of Vergil (Rome, 1469) contain part of the work and a complete reproduction (nine leaves) is in the second edition of Sweynheym and Parnnartz, also published in Rome (1470). Other early editions of Vergil, presumably issued under authority, which contain the Priapeia are those of Venice, 1472 (Virgilii opera, necnon reliqua opuscula, cum priapeiis); Milan 1472; sine loco, 1472, 1473, by L. Achates; Rome, 1473, Milan, 1474; Milan, Zarot, 1475; Vicenza, 1476; and Venice (in aedib. Aldi), 1501. Other Aldine editions of Vergil do not contain such recueil, but this famous family of printers issued in 1517 (and reprinted in 15 34) Diversorum veterum poetarum in Priapum lusus, with other pieces falsely attributed to Vergil. The work is also found with the corrections of J. Avantius in the edition of Catullus, Tibullus and Propertius, published in Venice in 1500, in folio. The edition of Martial given by Gruter in 1600 (reprinted 1602, 1619, etc.), the edition of Deux Ponts (1784), and that issued in 1804 (Vindobonae, 2 volumes, 8vo) all contain these poems; as also do some editions of Petronius, notably that of Paris, 1601; Amsterdam, 1669 (the text of which edition the translators have used in preparing the present volume); Paris, 1677; Amsterdam, 1677 (32mo); and the edition of Deux Ponts. In the Vergil of Basle, 1613, the Priapeia is inserted, and a portion is to be found in volume ii, pp. 203-30 of the Meursius of 1770 (Birminghamiae). The separate editions of the Priapeia sive diversorum poetarum in Priapum lusus are Francof., 1596, 1606; cum Scaligeri commentariis ac F. Lindenbruch notis, Batavii (Amst.), 1654, 1664, 1667, 1694; s. 1. 1780, 1781. The edition of 1606 contains the commentary of G. Scioppius: and there are added five epigrams and Heraclii et aliorum epistolae de prupudiosa Cleopatrae libidine. In 1781 was published Priapeia sive diversorum poetarum in Priapum lusus aliaquae incertorum poemata emendata et explicata. Acc. Episolae de priapismo s. propudiosa Cleopatrae libidine, Jos. Scaligeri versiones duorum Priapeiorum et Index (cur. J. C. Anton, Lipsiae, 8vo). In the recueil published by François Noël under the title of Erotopaegnion, sive Priapeia veterum et recentorum, Veneri jocosae sacrum (Paris, 1798, in 8vo), these poems occupy pages 1-85 of the first part of the volume. Modem editions are the version printed in Weber's Corpus Poet. Lat., 1833; the variorum edition published in 1853 (J.A. Wernicke, Thoruni, 8vo) which contains the notes of Scaliger, Lindenbruch and P. Burmann; the Liber Priapeiorum, edited by F. Büchelor, added to his edition of Petronius (1862); and two editions privately printed in England in 1888 and 1889, under the imprint of Athens, the former of which contains, in addition to the text, a translation into English prose with notes, etc. In the Berlin (1827, tome i, pages 206 et seq.) and other editions of Lessing may be found a dissertation by him on the subject. In 1866, M. Gustave Brunet issued a little volume under the tide of Les Priapeia, Note de Lessing, translated from the German with a commentary by Philomneste Junior (Bruxelles, Mertens, 12mo; published for J. Gay). Müller's Catullus (Leipzig, Teubner, 1870) may also be consulted; and many carmina inscribed to Priapus are to be found in the Greek Anthology, the French translation of which, published in 1863 (2 Volumes, 12mo), includes about thirty of these pieces, mostly, however, of an innocent nature.

NEANISKOS
July 1890

A Word to the Reader

In the Priapieia sive diversorum poetarum in Priapum Lusus, the friend with whom I have the pleasure to collaborate has come upon 'treasure trove', in the shape of a sprightly Latin cento of humour peculiarly Italic, most interesting to anthropologists and humanists and--rarer merit--undeflowered by the translator. He has made the most of his trouvaille providing the booklet with a history and a bibliography and illustrating, in copious notes and excursus, the Priapic cult and the manners and customs of the Roman days so quaintly depicted in these old (monkish?) pages. In brief, he has monopolised the learned and literary side of the epigrams, and he has assumed the whole responsibility thereof.

My share of the labour is on a scale much humbler. A 'cute French publisher lately remarked to me that, as a rule, versions in verse are as enjoyable to the writer as they are unenjoyed by the reader, who vehemently doubts their truth and trustworthiness. These pages hold in view one object sole and simple, namely to prove that a translation, metrical and literal, may be true and may be trustworthy.

As Captain Burton has told the public (Camoëns: Life and Lusiads; ii, 185-98), it has ever been his ambition to reverse the late Mr Matthew Arnold's peremptory dictum: 'In a verse translation no original work is any longer recognisable.' And here I may be allowed to borrow from the same writer's Supplemental Arabian Nights, vol vi, appendix pages 411-12 (a book known to few and never to be reprinted), his vision of the ideal translation which should not be relegated to the Limbus of Intentions.

For the humble literary status of translation in modern England and for the shortcomings of the average English translator, public taste or rather caprice is mainly to be blamed. The 'general reader', the man not in the street but the man who makes up the educated mass, greatly relishes a novelty in the way of 'plot' or story or catastrophe, while he has a natural dislike of novelties of style and diction, demanding a certain dilution of the unfamiliar with the familiar. Hence our translations in verse, especially when rhymed, become for the most part deflorations or excerpts, adaptations or periphrases, more or less meritorious, and the 'translator' has been justly enough dubbed 'traitor' by critics of the severer sort. And he amply deserves the injurious name when ignorance of his original's language perforce makes him pander to popular prescription.

But the good time which has long been coming seems now to have come. The home reader will no longer put up with the careless caricatures of classical chefs d'oeuvre which satisfied his old-fashioned predecessor. Our youngers, in most points our seniors, now expect the translation not only to interpret the sense of the original but also, when the text lends itself to such treatment, to render it verbatim et literatim, nothing being increased or diminished, curtailed or expanded. More over, in the choicer passages, they so far require an echo of the original music that its melody and harmony should be suggested to their mind. Welcomed also are the mannerisms of the translator's model, as far as these aid in preserving, under the disguise of another dialect, the individuality of the foreigner and his peculiar costume.

'Mat this high ideal of translation Is at length becoming popular now appears in our literature. The Villon Society, when advertising the novels of Matteo Bandello, Bishop of Agen, justly remarks of the translator, Mr John Payne, that his previous works have proved him to possess special qualifications for 'the delicate and difficult task of transferring into his own language at once the savour and the substance, the matter and the manner of works of the highest individuality, conceived and executed in a foreign language'.

In my version of hexameters and pentameters I have not shirked the metre, although it is strangely out of favour in English literature, while we read it and enjoy it in German. There is little valid reason for our aversion; the rhythm has been made familiar to our ears by long courses of Greek and Latin and the rarity of spondaic feet is assuredly to be supplied by art and artifice.

And now it is time for farewelling my friends.
We may no longer (alas!) address them with the
ingenuous ancient imperative, Nunc plaudite!

OUTIDANOS

The Epigrams

To the Reader

Carminis incompti lusus lecture procaces,
   conveniens Latio pone supercilium.
non soror hoc habitat Phoebi, non Vesta sacello,
   nec quae de patrio vertice nata dea est,
sed ruber hortorum custos, membrosior aequo,
   qui tectum nullis vestibus inguen habet.
aut igitur tunicam parti praetende tegendae,
   aut quibus hanc oculis adspicis, ista lege.

Thou, who be ready to read these cultureless sallies of singing,
Lower awhile yon brow suiting the Latian pride:
Here in this fane dwells not or Phoebus' sister or Vesta,
Neither the deity sprung forth of the patrial poll;
But the red guard of our garths, with organ grosser than rightful
Aye of his privities nude, guiltless of covering gear.
So with thy tunic hide what part is made to be hidden,
Or with what eyes see the parts deign these my lines to peruse.

Do thou, who art about to read these wanton sallies of careless verse, lay aside the brow befitting Latium.[1] Not Phoebus's sister, not Vesta in her sanctuary, nor that Goddess sprung from her father's brain,[2] dwells here: but the ruddy Protector of our Gardens, larger membered than is usual, and who has his groin covered by no garment. Therefore, either spread thy tunic over that part which 'tis meet to conceal; or with the same eyes that thou lookest upon it, peruse these.

1

To Priapus

Ludens haec ego teste te, Priape,
horto carmina digna, non libello,
scripsi non nimium laboriose.
nec Musas tamen, ut solent poetae,
ad non virgineum locum vocavi.
nam sensus mihi corque defuisset
castas, Pierium chorum, sorores
auso ducere mentulam ad Priapi.
ergo quicquid id est, quod otiosus
templi parietibus tui notavi,
in partem accipias bonam, rogamus.

In play, Priapus (thou canst testify),
Songs, fit for garden not for book-work, I
Wrote and none over-care applied thereto.
No Muses dared I (like the verseful crew)
Invite to visit such unvirginal site.
For heart and senses did forbid me quite
To set the choir Pïérian, chaste and fair,
Before Priapus' tool--such deed to dare.
Then whatsoe'er I wrote when idly gay,
And on this Temple-wall for note I lay,
Take in good part--such is the prayer I pray.

For pastime, and with little care, have I written these verses, thee attesting,[1] O Priapus--verses worthy a garden,[2] not a little book! Nor have I, as poets are wont, invoked the Muses to this unvirginal spot. For I had neither mind nor heart for the emprise, to bring the chaste sisters, the chorus of Pïérides, to the mentule[3] of Priapus. Therefore, whatever it is I have jotted in an idle hour on the walls of thy temple, take it in good part, I pray thee.

2

Priapus

Obscure poteram tibi dicere: 'da mihi, quod tu
   des licet assidue, nil tamen inde perit.
da mihi, quod cupies frustra dare forsitan olim,
   cum tenet obsessas invida barba genas,
quodque Iovi dederat, qui raptus ab alite sacra
   miscet amatori pocula grata suo,
quod virgo prima cupido dat nocte marito,
   dum timet alterius vulnus inepta loci.'
simplicius multo est 'da pedicare' Latine
   dicere: quid faciam? crassa Minerva mea est.

Darkly might I to thee say: Oh give me for ever and ever
What thou may'st constantly give while of it nothing be lost:
Give me what vainly thou'lt long to bestow in the days that are coming
When that invidious beard either soft cheek shall invade;
What unto Jove gave he who, borne by the worshipful flyer,
Mixes the gratefullest cups, ever his leman's delight;
What on the primal night maid gives to her love-longing bridegroom
Dreading ineptly the hurt dealt to a different part.
Simpler far to declare in our Latin, Lend me thy buttocks;
What shall I say to thee else? Dull's the Minerva of me.

Covertly I might say to thee, 'Give me what thou may'st continually give, without anything being thence lost to thee. Give to me what thou wilt, perchance, vainly long to give in time to come, when the envious beard invades thy youthful checks; what he gave to Jove, who, carried off by the sacred bird, now mingles luscious cups for his Royal lover; what the virgin-bride gives on the first night to her eager husband, while she is senselessly fearing the wound in another part.' 'Tis much simpler to say, in plain English, 'Give me thy buttocks!'; how else can I put it? Mine is a dull brain.

3

To Priapus

Obscenas rigido deo tabellas
dicans ex Elephantidos libellis
dat donum Lalage rogatque, temptes,
si pictas opus edat ad figuras.

These tablets, sacred to the Rigid God,
From Elephantis' obscene booklets drawn,
Lalage offers and she prays thee try
To ply the painted figures' every part.

Lalage dedicates a votive offering to the God of the standing prickle, bringing pictures from the shameless books of Elephantis, and begs him to try and imitate with her all the different coitions of the painted figures.

4

On Priapus

Quam puero legem fertur dixisse Priapus,
   versibus hic infra scripta duobus erit:
'quod meus hortus habet, sumas impune licebit,
   si dederis nobis, quod tuus hortus habet'.

All the conditions (they say) Priapus made with the youngling
Written in verses twain mortals hereunder can read:
'Whatso my garden contains to thee shall be lawfullest plunder
If unto us thou give whatso thy garden contains.'

Hereunder is written in two verses the condition which Priapus is said to have made with a boy:

Whate'er my garden has is freely thine,
If to my will thy garden[1] thou'lt consign.

5

Priapus

Quod sum ligneus, ut vides, Priapus
et falx lignea ligneusque penis,
prendam te tamen et tenebo prensum
totamque hanc sine fraude, quantacumque est,
tormento citharaque tensiorem
ad costam tibi septimam recondam.

Though I be wooden Priapus (as thou see'st),
With wooden sickle and a prickle of wood,
Yet will I seize thee, girl! and hold thee seized
And This, however gross, withouten fraud
Stiffer than lyre-string or than twisted rope
I'll thrust and bury to thy seventh rib.

Though I am, as you see, a wooden Priapus, with wooden reaping-hook and a wooden penis; yet I will seize thee, and when thou art caught [my girl], I will enjoy thee. And the whole of this,[1] large though it be, and stiffer than twisted cord, than the string of the lyre, I will surely bury in thee to thy seventh rib.

6

Priapus

Cum loquor, una mihi peccatur littera; nam te
   pe-dico semper blaesaque lingua mihi est.

Oft in my speech one letter is lost; for Predicate always
Pedicate I pronounce. Reason--a trip of the tongue!

Whenever I speak, one word slips me; for, talking with a lisp, I always say instead of praedico, paedico![2]

7

Priapus

Matronae procul hinc abite castae:
turpe est vos legere impudica verba.-
non assis faciunt euntque recta:
nimirum sapiunt videntque magnam
matronae quoque mentulam libenter.

Matrons avoid this site, for your chaste breed
'Twere vile these verses impudique to read.
They still come on and not a doit they heed!
O'ermuch these matrons know and they regard
With willing glances this my vasty yard.

Go far hence, ye virtuous wives, 'tis unseemly for you to read lewd verses.[1] They care not an as [for my words],[2] and straightway approach. Verily these matrons are sensible, and look joyfully, too, on the well-grown mentule.

8

Priapus

Cur obscena mihi pars sit sine veste, requiris?
   quaere, tegat nullus cur sua tela deus.
fulmen habet mundi dominus, tenet illud aperte;
   nec datur aequoreo fuscina tecta deo.
nec Mavors illum, per quem valet, occulit ensem,
   nec latet in tepido Palladis hasta sinu.
num pudet auratas Phoebum portare sagittas?
   clamne solet pharetram ferre Diana suam?
num tegit Alcides nodosae robora clavae?
   sub tunica virgam num deus ales habet?
quis Bacchum gracili vestem praetendere thyrso,
   quis te celata cum face vidit, Amor?
nec mihi sit crimen, quod mentula semper aperta est:
   hoc mihi si telum desit, inermis ero.

'Why be my parts obscene displayed without cover?' thou askest:
Ask I wherefore no God careth his sign to conceal?
Wieldeth the Lord of the World his thunderbolt ever unhidden,
Nor is trident a-sheath given to the Watery God:
Mars never veileth that blade whose might is his prevalent power,
Nor in her tepid lap Pallas concealeth the spear:
Say me, is Phoebus ashamed his gold-tipt arrows to carry?
Or is her quiver wont Dian in secret to bear?
Say, doth Alcides hide his war-club doughtily knotted?
Or hath the God with the wings rod hidden under his robe?
When did Bacchus endue with dress his willowy Thyrsus?
Who ever spied thee, Love! wilfully hiding thy torch?
Ne'er be reproach to myself this mentule ever uncover'd:
Lacking my missile's defence I shall be wholly unarm'd.

Why are my privy parts without vesture? you demand. I ask why no God conceals his emblem? The Lord of the World [Jupiter] has his thunderbolt, and holds it unconcealed; nor is a covered trident given to the God of the Sea [Neptune]. Mars does not secrete the sword by whose means he prevails; nor does Pallas's spear lie hid in the warm bosom of her robe. Is Phoebus ashamed to carry his golden arrows? Is Diana wont to bear her quiver secretly? Does Alcides conceal the strength of his knotted club? Has the winged God [Mercury] his caduceus under his tunic? Who has seen Bacchus draw his garment over the slender thyrsus; or thee, O Love, with hidden torch? Nor should it be a reproach to me that my mentule is always uncovered. For if this spear be wanting to me, I am weaponless.

9

Priapus

Insulsissima quid puella rides?
non me Praxiteles Scopasve fecit,
nec sum Phidiaca manu politus;
sed lignum rude vilicus dolavit,
et dixit mihi: 'tu Priapus esto'.
spectas me tamen et subinde rides?
nimirum tibi salsa res videtur
adstans inguinibus columna nostris.

Why laugh such laughter, O most silly maid?
My form Praxiteles nor Scopas hewed;
To me no Phidian handwork finish gave;
But me a bailiff hacked from shapeless log,
And quoth my maker, 'Thou Priapus be!'
Yet on me gazing forthright gigglest thou
And holdest funny matter to deride
The pillar perking from the groin of me.

Why, most foolish girl, do you laugh? Neither Praxiteles[1] nor Scopas[2] has given me shape, nor have I been perfected by the hand of Phidias;[3] but a bailiff carved me from a shapeless log, and said to me, 'You are Priapus!'[4] Yet you gaze at me, and laugh repeatedly. Doubtless it seems to you a droll thing--the 'column' standing upright from my groin.

10

Priapus

Ne prendare, cave, prenso nec fuste nocebo,
   saeva nec incurva vulnera falce dabo:
traiectus conto sic extendere pedali,
   ut culum rugam non habuisse putes.

'Ware of my catching! If caught, with rod I never will harm thee
Nor to thee deal sore wound using my sickle that curves.
Pierced with a foot-long pole thy skin shall be stretched in such fashion
Thou shalt be fain to believe ne'er had a wrinkle thine arse.

Take heed lest thou art caught. If I do seize thee, nor with my club will I belabour thee, nor cruel wounds with the curved sickle will inflict on thee. Thrust into by my twelve-inch I pole, thou shalt be so stretched that thou wilt drink thy anus never had any wrinkles.

11

Priapus

Quaedam haud iunior Hectoris parente,
Cumaeae soror, ut puto, Sibyllae,
aequalis tibi, quam domum revertens
Theseus repperit in rogo iacentem,
infirmo solet huc gradu venire
rugosasque manus ad astra tollens,
ne desit sibi, mentulam rogare.
hesterna quoque luce dum precatur,
dentem de tribus exscreavit unum.
'tolle' inquam 'procul ac iube latere
scissa sub tunica stolaque rufa,
ut semper solet, et timere lucem,
qui tanto patet indecens hiatu,
barbato macer eminente naso,
ut credas Epicuron oscitari'.

A she (than Hector's parent longer aged,
Sister to Cumae's Sibyl seemeth me;
Equal to thee whom, to his home returned,
Theseus found lying in the fosse a-cold!)
Hither with tottering gait is wont to come;
And, wrinkled hands upraising to the stars,
Begs that she'll never fail a yard to find;
And, as yester'een she prayed ere daylight fled
One of three teeth she happened out to crache.
'Bear it afar (cried I) and let it lurk
Beneath thy tattered robe and tawny stole;
(Fen as 'tis ever wont); and dread the fight
Of meagre jaws which ope with such a gape--
By hairy nostrils capped and eminent nose--
Thou hadst deemed to see an Epicurean yawn.'

A certain hag, more aged than the mother [Hecuba] of Hector (the sister, I opine, of the Cumaean Sibyl), old as thou whom Theseus when he came back home found lying in the grave, often comes hither with tottering steps, and lifting her shrivelled hands to the stars, begs that she may not lack the mentule. In yesterday's fight too, while praying, she spat out one of her three teeth. Take it far away, I say, and bid it he concealed under thy tattered tunic and thy scarlet stole, as 'tis its custom; let it shun the fight of thy meagre jaws, which, thy hairy nose in the air, gape with a chasm so foul and enormous that you would. think an Epicurean was yawning.

12

Priapus

Percidere puer, moneo: futuere puella:
   barbatum furem tertia poena manet.

Thou shalt be pedicate (lad!), thou also (lass!) shalt be rogered;
While for the bearded thief is the third penalty kept.

I warn thee, my lad, thou wilt be sodomised; thee, my girl, I shall futter;[1] for the thief who is bearded, a third punishment[2] remains.

13

Priapus

Huc huc, quisquis es, in dei salacis
deverti grave ne puta sacellum.
et si nocte fuit puella tecum,
hac re quod metuas adire, non est.
istuc caelitibus datur severis:
nos vappae sumus et pusilla culti
ruris numina, nos pudore pulso
stamus sub Iove coleis apertis.
ergo quilibet huc licebit intret
nigra fornicis oblitus favilla.

Here' Here! nor dare expect (whoe'er thou be)
To 'scape the Lecher God's fane venerand;
And, if a damsel lay the night with thee,
From this my presence fear not to be bann'd
Fen as the sterner Gods of Heaven command.
The Ne'er-do-wells and paltry gods are we
Of rural worship and 'spite modesty
Aye under Jove with balls a-bare we stand:
Then enter whoso hither entry seek
Reckless of bawdy-house's blackened reek!

Hither, hither, whoever thou art, to the venerable sanctuary of the lecherous God, nor think to be turned away. And if a girl were with thee in the night, 'tis no reason why thou shouldst fear to approach my altar; though it is otherwise with the stem Gods above.[1] I am a good-for-naught, a paltry rustic deity of scant culture. I stand in the open air, my modesty thrust aside, My bollocks exposed to view. Therefore, 'tis permitted to enter hither all who will, besmirched with the black filth of the stews.[2]

14

Priapus

Commisso mihi non satis modestas
quicumque attulerit manus agello,
is me sentiet esse non spadonem.
dicat forsitan haec sibi ipse: 'nemo
hic inter frutices loco remoto
percisum sciet esse me', sed errat:
magnis testibus ista res agetur.

Charged to my charge the fieldlet who shall dare
With hand not modest anywise molest,
Me fox no eunuch he shall know and feet.
Here in a distant place the hurst amid
He peradventure to himself shall say--
'None! saw me so misused.' But he is wrong:
These huge attestors shall the cause maintain.

He who shall plunder with dishonest hand the little field committed to my charge, shall feel me to be no eunuch[1] in this lonely place among the bushes. Here, perhaps, he will say this to himself, 'None will know that I have been thrust through.'[2] He will be mistaken; that cause will be sustained by 'weighty' witnesses![3]

15

To Priapus

Qualibus Hippomenes rapuit Schoeneida pomis,
   qualibus Hesperidum nobilis hortus erat,
qualia credibile est spatiantem rure paterno
   Nausicaam pleno saepe tulisse sinu,
quale fuit malum quod littera pinxit Aconti,
   qua lecta cupido pacta puella viro est:
taliacumque pius dominus florentis agelli
   imposuit mensae, nude Priape, tuae.

Rare as those apples wherewith Hippomenes Schoeneïs ravished;
Fair as the fruits that enfam'd Garths of the Hesperid maids;
Fen as one fancies the lot which, pacing her patrial vergers,
Nausicaä full oft bare in her well-fillèd lap;
Sweet as the pome whereon Acontius limnèd the letters
Which being read his Fair pledged to her love-longing swain;
Such be the fruits that youth who owneth the flourishing fieldlet
Placed on the table of stone, naked Priapus! for thee.

As the apples with which Hippomenes raped the daughter of Schoeneus;[1] for which the garden of the Hesperides was renowned; which one may imagine Nausicaa[2] often carrying in her teeming lap as she walked in her father's domains; as was that apple graced by the words of Acontius, which, read aloud [by Cydippe], pledged the maiden to this ardent lover[3]--such are those which the boy-owner of a small but fertile field has placed on thy sacrificial table, O naked Priapus.

16

Priapus

Quid mecum tibi, circitor moleste?
ad me quid prohibes venire furem?
accedat, sine: laxior redibit.

What hast thou, meddling watch, with me to do?
Why baulk the robber who to me would come?
Let him draw nigh: the laxer shall he go.

What hast thou to do with me, thou meddlesome watchman? why dost thou hinder the thief from coming to me? Let him approach: he will return more 'open'!

17

Priapus

Commoditas haec est in nostro maxima pene,
   laxa quod esse mihi femina nulla potest.

Aye in this prickle of ours the bonniest boon to be found is,
Loose for my daily use never a woman can be.

The greatest advantage in my penis is this, that no woman can be [too] roomy[1] for me.

18

To Priapus

Hic quando Telethusa circulatrix,
quae clunem tunica tegente nulla
exstans altius altiusque movit,
crisabit tibi fluctuante lumbo:
haec sic non modo te, Priape, possit,
privignum quoque sed movere Phaedrae.

Will ever Telethusa, posture-mime,
Who with no tunic veiling hinder cheeks
Higher than her vitals heaves with apter geste
Wriggle to please thee with her wavy loins?
So thee, Priapus, not alone she'll move
E'en Phaedra's stepson shall her movement rouse.

Will Telethusa, the posture-dancer, who heaves up her haunches, denuded of tunic, more gracefully and higher than her bosom,[1] ever, with undulating loins,[2] wriggle her thighs[3] for thee in such wise as not only to excite thy desires, O Priapus, but even those of the stepson of Phaedra?

19

Priapus

Fulmina sub Iove sunt, Neptuni fuscina telum,
   ense potens Mars est, hasta, Minerva, tua est,
sutilibus Liber committit proelia thyrsis,
   fertur Apollinea missa sagitta manu,
Herculis armata est invicta dextera clava:
   at me terribilem mentula tenta facit.

Thunders are under Jove; with the trident weaponed is Neptune;
Forceful is Mars with brand, spear, O Minerva, is thine;
Liber engages in fray, confiding on sheaflets of Thyrsi;
By th' Apollinean hand shafts (they assure us) are shot;
Hercules' right is armed with the club that cannot be conquer'd;
But a distended yard makes me an object of awe.

Jove controls the thunderbolts; the trident is Neptune's weapon; Mars is mighty by the sword; thine, Minerva, is the spear. Bacchus fights his battles with a bundle of thyrsi; the bolt, we are told, is shot by Apollo's hand. Hercules' invincible right arm is equipped with a club; but a mentule at full stretch makes me appalling.

20

To Priapus

Copia me perdit: tu suffragare rogatus
   indicio nec me prode, Priape, tuo,
quaeque tibi posui tamquam vernacula poma,
   de sacra nulli dixeris esse via.

Wealth is my loss! Do thou vouchsafe lend aid to my prayer,
Nor, by thy signal shown, me, O Priapus, betray:
Whatso before thee I laid, of home-grown apples the firstlings,
(Prithee, be pleased not to tell!) from Via Sacra be ta'en.

All my wealth have I lost; be propitious when I ask thee, nor betray me, Priapus, by word or deed. Tell it to none, that these home-grown apples, which I have placed on thy altar, are from the Sacred Way.[1]

21

Priapus

Femina si furtum faciet mihi virve puerve,
   haec cunnum, caput hic praebeat, ille nates.

An fro' me woman shall thieve or plunder me man or a man-child,
She shall pay me with coynte, that with his mouth, this with arse.

If a woman, man, or boy, thieve from me, let her coynte, his mouth, the latter's buttocks, be submitted [to my mentule].

22

Priapus

Quicumque hic violam rosamve carpet
furtivumve holus aut inempta poma,
defectus pueroque feminaque
hac tentigine, quam videtis in me,
rumpatur, precor, usque mentulaque
nequiquam sibi pulset umbilicum.

Whoso of violets here shall pluck or rose,
Or furtive greens or apples never bought,
May he in want of woman or of boy
By the same tension you in me behold
Go burst, I ever pray, and may his yard
Against his navel throb and rap in vain.

Whoever shall herein pluck a violet or a rose, or pilfer vegetables or unbought apples, I pray that in the absence of both woman and boy he may continually burst with that rigid tension which you see in me, and that his mentule may in vain beat throbbing on his navel.

23

Priapus

Hic me custodem fecundi vilicus horti
   mandati curam iussit habere loci.
fur habeas poenam, licet indignere 'feram'que
   'propter holus' dicas 'hoc ego?' 'propter holus'.

Here has the bailiff, now of this plentiful garden the guardian,
Bidden me care for the place he to my service entrusts.
Thief! thou shalt suffer the pain albeit crying in anger--
'What! for a cabbage all this? This for a cabbage I bear?'

The steward has bidden me, the protector of this fertile garden, have a care of the place committed to my charge. Thou, O thief, shalt be punished; thou mayst be enraged, and say, 'On account of a cabbage am I to endure this? On account of a cabbage?'[1]

24

Priapus

Hoc sceptrum, quod ab arbore est recisum,
nulla iam poterit virere fronde,
sceptrum, quod pathicae petunt puellae,
quod quidam cupiunt tenere reges,
cui dant oscula nobiles cinaedi,
intra viscera furis ibit usque
ad pubem capulumque coleorum.

This staff of office cut from tree as 'tis,
No more with leafage green for aye to bloom;
Staff by the pathic damsels fondly loved,
Which e'en the kings delight in hand to hold
And oft by noble catamites bekissed--
This staff in robbers' vitals deep shall plunge
Up to its bushy base and bag of balls.

This staff of office, which, severed from the tree, can now shoot forth no verdure; sceptre, which pathic maidens crave, and some kings love to hold; to which patrician[1] paederasts give kisses; shall go right into the very bowels of the thief, as far as the hair and the bag of balls.[2]

25

Priapus

Porro - nam quis erit modus? - Quirites,
aut praecidite seminale membrum,
quod totis mihi noctibus fatigant
vicinae sine fine prurientes
vernis passeribus salaciores,
aut rumpar, nec habebitis Priapum.
ipsi cernitis, effututus ut sim
confectusque macerque pallidusque,
qui quondam ruber et valens solebam
fures caedere quamlibet valentes.
defecit latus et periculosam
cum tussi miser exspuo salivam.

Hither, Quirites! (here what limit is?)
Either my member seminal lop ye off
Which thro' the livelong nights for aye fatigue
The neighbour-women rutting endlessly,
Lewder than sparrows in the lusty spring;
Or I shall burst and ye Priapus lose.
How I be futtered-out yourselves espy
Used-up, bejaded, lean and pallid grown,
Who erstwhile ruddy, in my doughtiness wont
To kill with poking thieves however doughty.
My side has failed me and poor I with cough
The perilous spittle ever must outspew.

Hither! ye Romans' Either lop off my seminal member, which the neighbouring women, ever itching with desire, exhaust the whole night through[1]--more lecherous than sparrows in the spring[2]--or I shall be ruptured (for where is the limit of their lust?), nor will ye have a Priapus. Ye see that I am spent with venery, jaded, thin and pale, who once, ruddy and vigorous, used to thrust through the stoutest thieves. My strength has faded me; and, wretched with coughing, I spit out noxious saliva.[3]

26

To Priapus

Deliciae populi, magno notissima circo
   Quintia, vibratas docta movere nates,
cymbala cum crotalis, pruriginis arma, Priapo
   ponit et adducta tympana pulsa manu.
pro quibus, ut semper placeat spectantibus, orat,
   tentaque ad exemplum sit sua turba dei.

Well-known darling of folk in the Circus Maximus far famed,
Quinctia, tremulous hips trainèd and artful to wag,
Cymbals and castanets (the wanton arms) to Priapus
Offers and tambourine struck with the hand to self drawn.
Wherefore prays she that aye she please her mob of admirers;
Let one and all stand stiff after the wont of her god.

Quinctia, the people's darling, renowned in the Great Circus, cunning to flirt her tremulous buttocks to and fro, the cymbals and the castanet, the weapons of wantonness,[1] dedicates to Priapus, and the tambour, struck by the hand towards her drawn. And she prays for them, that she may always find favour with her spectators; and that her crowd of admirers may be 'rigid'[2], after the manner of the god.

27

To Priapus

Tu, qui non bene cogitas et aegre
carpendo tibi temperas ab horto,
pedicabere fascino pedali.
quod si tam gravis et molesta poena
non profecerit, altiora tangam.

Thou, of unrighteous thought, that hardly canst
Refrain from robbing this my garden-plot,
With foot-long fascinum shalt bulghar'd be:
Yet if so mighty grievous punishment
Profit thee naught, at higher stead I'll strike.

Thou who wickedly designest, and scarce forbearest from robbing my garden, shall be sodomised with my twelve-inch fascinum [phallus]. But if so severe and unpleasant a punishment shall not avail., I will strike higher.[1]

28

To Priapus

Obscenis, peream, Priape, si non
uti me pudet improbisque verbis.
sed cum tu posito deus pudore
ostendas mihi coleos patentes,
cum cunno mihi mentula est vocanda.

Priapus! perish I an words obscene
And wicked terms to use I'm not ashamed:
But whenas thou, a god (bylaying shame),
To me displayest bollocks evident,
With Coynte the Prickle I must baldly name.

May I die,[2] Priapus, if I do not blush to make use of lewd and impure words; but when you, a deity without shame, display to me your balls in all openness, I must call a tool a tool, a coynte a coynte.

29

To Priapus

'Falce minax et parte tui maiore, Priape,
   ad fontem, quaeso, dic mihi qua sit iter.'

Dreadful wi' sickle and dire with thy greater part, O Priapus!
Prithee to me point out which be the way to the fount?

Priapus, terrific with thy sickle and thy greater part, tell me, prithee, which is the way to the fountain?[1]

30

Priapus

Vade per has vites, quarum si carpseris uvam,
   cur aliter sumas, hospes, habebis aquam.

Hie thee amid these vines whereof an thou gather a grape-bunch
Guest! of the water shalt drink serving for different use.

Haste thee through these vines, for if thou hast plucked off their clustering grapes, guest! thou wilt take the water for another purpose.[1]

31

Priapus

Donec proterva nil mei manu carpes,
licebit ipsa sis pudicior Vesta.
sin, haec mei te ventris arma laxabunt,
exire ut ipse de tuo queas culo.

Long as thy wanton hand to pluck refrain
Chaster than Vesta's self thou may'st remain
Else thee my belly's arm shall loosen so
Out of thy proper anus thou shalt flow.

So long as thou snatchest nothing from me with audacious hand, thou mayst be chaster than Vesta herself. But, if thou dost, these belly-weapons of mine will so stretch thee that thou wilt be able to slip through thy own anus.

32

Priapus

Uvis aridior puella passis,
buxo pallidior novaque cera,
collatas sibi quae suisque membris
formicas facit altiles videri,
cuius viscera non aperta Tuscus
per pellem poterit videre haruspex,
quae suco caret ut putrisque pumex,
nemo viderit hanc ut exspuentem,
quam pro sanguine pulverem scobemque
in venis medici putant habere,
ad me nocte solet venire et affert
pallorem maciemque larualem.
ductor ferreus insularis aeque et
lanternae videor fricare cornu.

A damsel drier than the raisin'd grape,
Warmer than boxwood or than virgin wax,
Who pismires clustering on her every limb
Maketh a bulky-corpulent folk appear;
One whose unopened bowels through her skin
The Tuscan wizard can at will prospect;
One who like rotten pounce so lacking juice
None ever saw her with a slavering lip;
One whom for blood her arteries within
To have sand or sawdust differing leeches deem--
Such one to visit me anights is wont
Bringing with ghostly leanness ghastly hue;
Whist I (like island iron-forger) seem
To rub and rasp me on a lanthorn's horn

Girl, more meagre than dried grapes,[1] more dusky-white than boxwood or unsullied wax; who makes the ants congregated on her body and members seem corpulent; whose bowels the Etruscan soothsayer could without opening see through the skin; who, like pumice, has no sap, insomuch as no one has seen her sputter; who, physicians think, has sand for blood, and in her veins sawdust--[this girl] is wont to come to me in the night, and approaches me, wan, attenuate and ghostlike, whilst I, as an insular iron-worker scrapes,[2] seem to be rubbing in the horn of a lantern.[3]

33

Priapus

Naidas antiqui Dryadasque habuere Priapi,
   et quo tenta dei vena subiret, erat.
nunc adeo nihil est, adeo mea plena libido est,
   ut Nymphas omnis interiisse putem.
turpe quidem factu, sed ne tentigine rumpar,
   falce mihi posita fiet amica manus.

Wont the Priapi of old were to have both Naiads and Dryads
And the stiff vein of the God all had what causes to droop;
Now there's naught of the kind; now so fulfilled my desire is
Fain am I left to believe every Nymph to be dead.
Vile thing 'twere to be done, but lest I burst me with straining
Sickle unhanding I mistress must make of my hand.

Of old, the Priapi enjoyed the Naiads and Dryads, and there was the wherewithal to cause the swollen vein of the God to droop. Now there is naught of this; moreover, I am so full of desire that I think the whole of the Nymphs have perished. 'Tis doubtless an unseemly thing to do, but lest I burst with the excessive tension [of my member], my hand, the sickle laid aside, shall become my mistress.

34

To Priapus

Cum sacrum fieret deo salaci,
conducta est pretio puella parvo
communis satis omnibus futura,
quae quot nocte viros peregit una,
tot verpas tibi dedicat salignas.

At holy offering to the Lustful God
Hired was a harlot for a slender price
To meet the common wants of commonweal;
And for as many men one night outworked
So many willow yards she'll give to thee.

At a sacrifice made to the God of Lechery, a girl was cheaply hired as sufficient for the wants of the common weal, who as many men she spent in a single night, dedicates to thee so many willow-wood pokers.[1]

35

Priapus

Pedicabere, fur, semel; sed idem
si deprensus eris bis, irrumabo.
quod si tertia furta molieris,
ut poenam patiare et hanc et illam,
pedicaberis irrumaberisque.

Thief, for first thieving shalt be swived, but an
Again arrested shalt be irrumate;
And, shouldst attempt to plunder time the third,
This and that penalty thou shalt endure,
Being both pedicate and irrumate.

Thou shalt be bardashed,[1] thief, for the first theft; and if twice caught, I will irrumate thee. But if thou shalt attempt a third theft, that thou mayst suffer penalties twain, I will both sodomise and irrumate thee.

36

Priapus

Notas habemus quisque corporis formas:
Phoebus comosus, Hercules lacertosus,
trahit figuram virginis tener Bacchus,
Minerva ravo lumine est, Venus paeto,
in fronte cornua Arcados vides Fauni,
habet decentes nuntius deum plantas,
tutela Lemni dispares movet gressus,
intonsa semper Aesculapio barba est,
nemo est feroci pectorosior Marte:
quod si quis inter hos locus mihi restat,
deus Priapo mentulatior non est.

We all show special notes of bodily shape:
Long-haired is Phoebus, arm-strong Hercules,
And tender Bacchus owneth virginal form;
Pallas hath grey-blue eyes, Venus a cast;
Th' Arcadian Fauns thou seest bloody-browed
And the Gods' Messenger shows proper feet;
The Guard of Lemnos moves unequal steps;
Ever untrimmed is Aesculapius' beard;
None hath a broader breast than bully Mars;
But, an Priapus' rank 'mid these remain,
There be no better-membered deity.

We have each distinguishing features in the formation of our bodies: in Phoebus 'tis luxuriant locks, in Hercules muscular power; and the effeminate Bacchus has the figure of a girl. Minerva's eye is light in colour, Venus's prettily blinking. You see the forehead of the Arcadian Fauns rubicund with colour. The messenger of the gods, [Mercury] has shapely feet, the guardian of Lemnos walks with an uneven step [the lame Vulcan] and Aesculapius always wears a never shaven beard. No man is more broad-chested than the warlike Mars; but if 'mid this array there remain any place for me, than Priapus no Deity hath a larger or better-hung mentule!

37

The Interpretation of a Votive Offering[1]

Cur pictum memori sit in tabella
membrum, quaeritis, unde procreamur?
cum penis mihi forte laesus esset
chirurgamque manum miser timerem,
dis me legitimis nimisque magnis,
ut Phoebo puta filioque Phoebi,
curatum dare mentulam verebar.
huic dixi: 'fer opem, Priape, parti,
cuius tu, pater, ipse pars videris,
qua salva sine sectione facta
ponetur tibi picta, quam levaris,
compar consimilisque concolorque'.
promisit fore mentulamque movit
pro nutu deus et rogata fecit.

Why on memorial tablet do they limn
(You ask) the member which begets us all?
Whenas by accident my yard was hurt
And I (unhappy!) feared the surgeon's hand
To such legitimate almighty gods--
Phoebus for instance take or Phoebus' son--
I blushed to offer for a cure my cock
And prayed--'Priapus, an thou heal the part,
O Sire, whose very counterpart thou seem'st
And without hacking make it whole again,
One linmed on tablet shall to thee be given
Like-sized, like-coloured and alike of shape.'
The God to promise deigning wagged his yard,
By way of nod divine, and did my bede.

You ask why the instrument of procreation has been painted on the memorable tablet. When by accident I had bruised my penis, and wretched with suffering, dreaded the hand of the surgeon (moreover I was afraid to give the cure of my mentule to the legitimate and almighty gods, such as Phoebus, for instance, and Phoebus's son),[2] 'Help, O Priapus,' quoth I, 'help thou the part whose very counterpart, O Sire, thou seemest; and if thou shalt restore it safely to health without amputation,[3] I will consecrate to thee, painted on a tablet, a very facsimile of it, alike in size, shape and colour! 'The God promised; for nod bobbed his mentule;[4] and has granted my prayer.

38

Priapus

Simpliciter tibi me, quodcumque est, dicere oportet,
   natura est quoniam semper aperta mihi:
pedicare volo, tu vis decerpere poma;
   quod peto, si dederis, quod petis, accipies.

Simply to thee I say whatever to say shall behove me,
Since my 'nature' alway openly showeth to fight;
Fain would I pedicate thee who'rt Fain to plunder my apples;
An my want thou shalt grant, eke shall be granted thy want.

Since my nature[1] is always open, it behoves me to say to thee--whate'er it is--frankly. I wish to pedicate; thou wishest to pluck apples. What I desire, if thou wilt give: what thou desirest, thou shalt receive.

39

Priapus

Forma Mercurius potest placere,
forma conspiciendus est Apollo,
formosus quoque pingitur Lyaeus,
formosissimus omnium est Cupido.
me pulchra fateor carere forma,
verum mentula luculenta nostra est:
hanc mavult sibi quam deos priores,
si qua est non fatui puella cunni.

Form-charms in Mercury have might to please;
Form in Apollo is conspicuous charm;
Formose in picture is Lyaeus limned
And Cupid most formose of all is shown.
Freely of lovely form the lack I own;
Yet is our mentule a resplendent gem;
And this to th'erst-named gods shall aye prefer
The damsel dowered with no fatuous coynte.

Mercury has a pleasing form, Apollo's is eminent for its beauty; Lyaeus too is painted of comely figure; Cupid is handsomest of all. My figure is, I confess, wanting in beauty, but my mentule is, in truth, magnificent; and if there be a girl with a sensible coynte, she had rather have that for herself than all the former gods.

40

To Priapus

Nota Suburanas inter Telethusa puellas,
   quae, puto, de quaestu libera facta suo est,
cingit inaurata penem tibi, sancte, corona:
   hunc pathicae summi numinis instar habent.

Yon Telethusa befamèd amid the damsels Suburran
(Who by her gains I hold freedwoman now is become)
Girds with a gilded crown, O Holy! thine inguinal organ,
Held by the pathic girls like in degree to a god.

Telethusa, notorious amongst the damsels of the Via Subura,[1] who, I believe, has bought her freedom with the profits of prostitution,[2] encircles thy penis, O venerable one, with a golden crown, for these pathic women consider it equal in eminence to a god.

41

Priapus

Quisquis venerit huc, poeta fiat
et versus mihi dedicet iocosos.
qui non fecerit, inter eruditos
ficosissimus ambulet poetas.

Whoso comes hither shall a bard become
And to me dedicate facetious verse;
But who thiswise doth not, 'mid learnèd poets
Shall pace with fundament fulfilled of 'figs'.

Whoever comes hither let him become a poet and dedicate to me jocose verses. He who does not, shall, teeming with piles,[1] walk amongst learned poets.

42

To Priapus

Laetus Aristagoras natis bene vilicus uvis
   de cera facili dat tibi poma, deus.
at tu sacrati contentus imagine pomi
   fac veros fructus ille, Priape, ferat.

Bailiff Aristagoras of his grapes high-pedigree'd boasting
Apples moulded in wax giveth, O Godhead, to thee:
But thou, pleased with the fruit in effigy placed on thine altar,
Genuine 'fruit' vouchsafe he, O Priapus! shall bear.

The steward Aristagoras, rejoicing in his promising grapes, offers to thee, O God, apples formed from wax. Do thou, O Priapus, contented with the semblance of a votive apple, cause him to bear genuine fruit.[1]

43

Priapus

Nolite omnia, quae loquor, putare
per lusum mihi per iocumque dici.
deprensos ego ter quaterque fures
omnes, ne dubitetis, irrumabo.

Refrain from deeming all my sayings be
In sport bespoken for mine own disport;
Thieves taken thrice or four tunes in the fact
(Believe my word) I'll surely irrumate.

Think not that everything I say is spoken in jest and for my own amusement. That ye may not be in doubt, I tell ye this, that all thieves who are often caught I shall irrumate.

44

Priapus

Velle quid hanc dicas, quamvis sim ligneus, hastam,
   oscula dat medio si qua puella mihi?
augure non opus est: 'in me' mihi credite, dixit
   'aptetur veris usibus hasta rudis'.

What shouldest say this spear (although I'm wooden) be wishing
Whenas a maiden chance me in the middle to kiss?
Here none augur we: need: believe my word she is saying -
'Let the rude spear in me work with its natural wont!'

What dost thou say this spear, although I be wooden, is wishing, if any girl give kisses to my middle? It needs no soothsayer, for, believe me, she has said, 'The rude spear will exercise its true functions on me.'[1]

45

Priapus

Cum quendam rigidus deus videret
ferventi caput ustulare ferro,
ut Maurae similis foret puellae,
'heus' inquit 'tibi dicimus, cinaede,
uras te licet usque torqueasque,
num tandem prior es puella, quaeso,
quod sunt, mentula quos habet, capilli?'

Whenas the Rigid God espied a wight
Crisping his head with curling-tongs aglow
That he be likest to a Moorish maid,
'Ho thou! (cried he) we tell thee, catamite;
However much thou toast and curl thyself
Is then a damsel more of worth, I ask,
Than are the hairy honours of thy yard?'

When the Rigid God beheld an effeminate crisping his hair with the heated curling-irons, to liken himself to a Moorish damsel, 'Ho there, thou catamite,' quoth he. 'We tell thee, thou mayst crisp and curl to thy liking, but is a girl, prithee, of more value than are the hairs which deck thy mentule?'[2]

46

Priapus

O non candidior puella Mauro,
sed morbosior omnibus cinaedis,
Pygmaeo brevior gruem timente,
ursis asperior pilosiorque,
Medis laxior Indicisve bracis,
mallem scilicet ut libenter ires.
nam quamvis videar satis paratus,
erucarum opus est decem maniplis,
fossas inguinis ut teram dolemque
cunni vermiculos scaturrientis.

Ho girl! no whiter-skinned than Moorish man
Yet, Oh! than every pathic softer far;
Squatter than Pygmey fearful of the crane;
Harsher and hairier than pelt of bear;
Looser than Median or than Indian hose;
Remain as please thee or at will depart.
For, though full ready seem I, yet I want
Of rockets half-score bundles at the least,
Ere I that ditch-like groin can scrub and crush
The swarming wormlets of thy privy parts.

O Damsel, no fairer-skinned than the Moor, but limper than any catamite, briefer in stature than the Pygmies timorous of the crane, harsher in aspect and shaggier than a she-bear, roomier [in thy vulva] than the trousers of the Medes and Indians, thou mayst tarry here or depart at thy will. For, though I may seem fully equipped, 'twould be the work of ten handfuls of rockets* to [induce me to] scrub through the ditches 'twixt thy thighs, and bethwack the worms swarming in thy coynte!

47

Priapus

Quicumque vestrum, qui venitis ad cenam,
libare nullos sustinet mihi versus,
illius uxor aut amica rivalem
lasciviendo languidum, precor, reddat,
et ipse longa nocte dormiat solus
libidinosis incitatus erucis.

Who of you people here shall come to sup
Yet bring no verses suited to my taste;
I pray his wife or punk, hot-wantoning,
Reduce his rival to most languid state;
While he, all lonely through the livelong night,
Lie, by the lustful rockets sore disturbed.

Whichever of you, who, coming to my banquet, abstains from inscribing to me any verses, I pray that his wife or mistress may make languid his rival with lascivious sporting, whilst he himself sleeps alone through the weary night, excited by lustful rockets.[1]

48

Priapus

Quod partem madidam mei videtis,
per quam significor Priapus esse,
non ros est, mihi crede, nec pruina,
sed quod sponte sua solet remitti,
cum mens est pathicae memor puellae.

Tho' see you drenchèd wet that part of me
Whereby Priapus I am signified;
Nor dew (believe me!) 'twas nor hoary frost,
But whatso gusheth of its own accord
When I bethink me of a pathic god.

Altho' you see that part of me to be wet by which I'm signified to be Priapus, 'tis not dew, believe me, nor hoarfrost, but what is wont to gush forth spontaneously when my mind recalls a pathic girl [catamite].

49

Priapus

Tu, quicumque vides circa tectoria nostra
   non nimium casti carmina plena ioci,
versibus obscenis offendi desine: non est
   mentula subducti nostra supercilii.

Thou, who art 'customed to view around the walls of our temple
Verse of a strain jocose rather than modest and chaste,
Cease to be hurt by the song obscene, for verily ne'er was
Wont our mentule to wear eyebrow up-drawn in surprise.

Thou who seest the walls of my temple covered round with jocose poems, not too chaste, cease to be shocked at the obscene verses: mine is not a mentule with raised eyebrow.

50

To Priapus

Quaedam, si placet hoc tibi, Priape,
fucosissima me puella ludit
et nec dat mihi nec negat daturam,
causas invenit usque differendi.
quae si contigerit fruenda nobis,
totam cum paribus, Priape, nostris
cingemus tibi mentulam coronis.

A certain person, an thou please (Priapus!),
Plays me, a girl with piles full many piled;
And nor she gives me nor denies her gift,
While for deferring ever finds she cause.
But, if to 'joy her shall our lot befall,
We will (Priapus!) gird thy total yard
With the twin garlands to thy favours due.

If it like thee, O Priapus, a certain girl, most sorely troubled with the piles, sports with me, and neither gives me nor denies her favours, but hitherto has found pretexts for deferring. If it shall to my lot to enjoy her, we will encircle the whole of thy mentule, O Priapus, with our twin garlands.

51

Priapus

Quid hoc negoti est quave suspicer causa
venire in hortum plurimos meum fures,
cum quisquis in nos incidit, luat poenas
et usque curvos excavetur ad lumbos?
non ficus hic est praeferenda vicinae
uvaeque, quales flava legit Arete,
non mala truncis adserenda Picenis
pirumve, tanto quod periculo captes,
magisque cera luteum nova prunum
sorbumve ventres lubricos moraturum.
praesigne rami nec mei ferunt morum
nucemve longam, quam vocant Abellanam,
amygdalumve flore purpurae fulgens.
non brassicarum ferre glorior caules
betasve, quantas hortus educat nullus,
crescensve semper in suum caput porrum.
nec seminosas ad cucurbitas quemquam
ad ocimumve cucumeresque humi fusos
venire credo, sessilesve lactucas
acresque cepas aliumque furatum,
nec ut salaces nocte tollat erucas
mentamque olentem cum salubribus rutis.
quae cuncta quamvis nostro habemus in saepto,
non pauciora proximi ferunt horti.
quibus relictis in mihi laboratum
locum venitis, improbissimi fures:
nimirum apertam convolatis ad poenam,
hoc vos et ipsum, quod minamur, invitat.

What be this pother? For what cause suspects
My mind so many thieves will rob my garth,
When all pay forfeit (as on us they light)
Of being diggèd deep to bending loins?
Here be no better Figs than neighbours, figs
Nor Grapes as pluckt by blond-haired Areté,
Nor Apples grafted on Picenian stock,
Nor Pear-fruits worthy such a risk to run,
Nor Plum though yellower than wax virginal,
Nor Sorb that stayeth slippery stomach-flux.
My branches bear not best of Mulberries,
Or oval Filbert men 'Avellan' clepe,
Or Almond gleaming with a rosy flame.
I greed not Coleworts or fine greens to grow,
Or Beets of bigness by no garden borne,
Or Scallion ever shooting at the head,
Ne'er deem I any for the seed-full Gourd,
Basil or Cucumbers aground bestrown,
Come to my garth; or sessile Lettuces;
Or that one nightly lustful Rockets rob,
The Mint strong-smelling and the healthful Rue,
The fibrous Garlic and the Onion sharp--
Which all though safely fenced and hedged by us
Not less are cultured in the neighbouring garths.
Yet, these abandoning, to what grounds I worked
(Most villainous of thieves!), you're fain to flock.
Doubtless for open penalty ye come
And that attracts you wherewithal we threat.

What is this? Or wherefore do I suspect the greatest number of thieves to come into my garden, when everyone of them who happens unexpectedly upon me pays the penalty and is excavated up to his undulating loins? The fig tree here is no better than my neighbour is, nor are the grapes such as golden-haired Arete[1] gathered; nor are the apples meet to be the produce of the trees of Picenum. Neither is the pear, which at such hazard you try to pilfer; nor the plum, more mellow in colour than new wax, nor the service-apple which stays slippery stomachs. Neither do my branches yield an excellent mulberry, the oblong nut, hight filbert, nor the almond bright with purple blossom. I do not, more gluttonously, grow divers kind of cabbage and beet, larger than any other garden trains, and the scallion with its ever-growing head; nor think I that any come for the seed-abounding gourd, the clover, the cucumbers extended along the soil, or the dwarfish lettuce. Nor that any bear away in the night-time lust-exciting rockets, and fragrant mint with healthy rue, pungent onions and fibrous garlic. All of which, though enclosed within my hedgerow, grow with no sparser measure in the neighbouring garden, which having left, ye come to the place which I cultivate, O most vile thieves. Without doubt, ye flock to the open punishment,[2] and the very thing with which I threaten, allures you.[3]

52

Priapus

Heus tu, non bene qui manum rapacem
mandato mihi contines ab horto,
iam primum stator hic libidinosus
alternis et eundo et exeundo
porta te faciet patentiorem.
accedent duo, qui latus tuentur,
pulchre pensilibus peculiati;
qui cum te male foderint iacentem,
ad partes veniet salax asellus
nilo deterius mutuniatus.
quare qui sapiet, malum cavebit,
cum tantum sciet esse mentularum.

Ho thou, which hardly thy rapacious hand
Canst from the garden in my charge contain,
First shall this watchman, ever lustful loon,
Entering and exiting alternate-wise
Widen thy portal to its fullest stretch
Then shall the couple guarding either flank,
Grandly provided with those pensile parts,
After they've sorely pierced thee prostrate thrown
Bring to the self-same part an ass-foal lewd
Gifted with pizzle not a whit the worse.
Then who is wise beware of working ill,
Knowing so much of pego waits him here.

Hark ye, thou who scarcely withholdest thy greedy hand from the garden entrusted to me. Now, first the watchman, full of lechery, with alternate entrance and exit, shall make thy passage an open one. Then two shall approach, who stand guard at each side, nobly provided with pensile property. Who, when they have grievously ploughed thee, stretched prostrate, to the same part shall come a rampant little ass, by no means inferior in well-hung pizzle. Wherefore, he who is wise will beware of ill-doing, when he knows that here is so much of the mentule.

53

To Priapus

Contentus modico Bacchus solet esse racemo,
   cum capiant alti vix cita musta lacus,
magnaque fecundis cum messibus area desit,
   in Cereris crines una corona datur.
tu quoque, dive minor, maiorum exempla secutus,
   quamvis pauca damus, consule poma boni.

Bacchus often is wont with a moderate bunch to be sated,
When the deep brim-full vats hardly the must shall contain;
So when the threshing-floors all fail for the plentiful harvest
Ceres' ringlets to crown only one garland we bring.
Thou too, a minor god, example borrow from the major--
Though few apples we give, take thou our gift in good part.

Bacchus is wont to be content with a modest cluster from the vine, even when the deep vats can barely contain the must. And when the spacious threshing floors are insufficient for the rich harvest, in Ceres' locks a single garland is wreathed. Do thou also, less potent deity, guided by their greater example, although our offering be only a few apples, take it in good part.

54

Priapus

CD si scribas temonemque insuper addas,
   qui medium vult te scindere, pictus erit.

E, D, an thou write, conjoining the two with a hyphen,
What middle D would bisect this shall be painted to view.

If thou writest E and D then addest a joining line, that which wishes to cleave through the middle of D [thee] will be represented.[1]

55

Priapus

Credere quis possit? falcem quoque - turpe fateri -
   de digitis fures surripuere meis.
nec movet amissi tam me iactura pudorque,
   quam praebent iustos altera tela metus:
quae si perdidero, patria mutabor, et olim
   ille tuus civis, Lampsace, Gallus ero.

Who could believe my words? 'Tis shame to confess that the sickle
Yon thief-folk have availed e'en from my fingers to thieve.
Nor doth its loss so much affect my mind or dishonour
As the just, natural dread other my weapons to lose,
Which lost shall I stand mulcted of country, and he that was erewhile
Son of the city to thee, Lampsacus! Gaul shall become.

Who could believe ('tis a shameful confession!) that the thieves have even purloined the sickle from my very fingers? nor do the disgrace and loss so much affect me as the well-grounded fears of losing other weapons. Which if I lose, I shall be expatriated; and he formerly thy citizen, O Lampsacus, will become a Gaul.[1]

56

Priapus

Derides quoque, fur, et impudicum
ostendis digitum mihi minanti?
eheu me miserum, quod ista lignum est,
quae me terribilem facit videri.
mandabo domino tamen salaci,
ut pro me velit irrumare fures.

Thou too dost mock me, Thief! and the infamous
Finger dost point when menacèd by me!
Ah hapless I, that should be only wood
What makes me ever formidable seem!
Yet will I charge my garden's lustful lord
For me deign robber-folk to irrumate.

Thou also mockest, O thief, and when threatened, dost stretch out to me the indecent finger![1] Alas, unhappy I! that the thing is but wood which makes me seem fearsome. But no matter, I will charge the lecherous owner of the garden that he may be willing to irrumate the thieves for me.

57

Priapus

Cornix et caries vetusque bustum,
turba putida facta saeculorum,
quae forsan potuisset esse nutrix
Tithoni Priamique Nestorisque,
illis ni pueris anus fuisset,
ne desit sibi, me rogat, fututor.
quid si nunc roget, ut puella fiat?
si nummos tamen haec habet, puella est.

A chough, a caries, an eld-worn grave,
By lapse of crowding centuries rotten grown,
Who as a wetnurse haply may have fed
Tithonus, Priam, Nestor, and perchance
When they were little lads was agèd crone,
Sues me for swiver she may never lack!
How if she pray me to be girl again?
Yet, if she's moneyed, she's again a girl.

An old crow, a thing of decay, a very sepulchre, grown rotten through the lapse of generations, who perchance might have been the wet-nurse of Tithonus, of Priam, and of Nestor, or who was an old woman maybe when they were boys, beseeches me that a futterer may not be wanting to her. How if she were now to pray that she may become a girl again? Nevertheless if she hath- money, she is a girl.[1]

58

Priapus

Quicumque nostram fur fefellerit curam,
effeminato verminet procul culo;
quaeque hic proterva carpserit manu poma
puella, nullum reperiat fututorem.

Whatever thief shall trick my faith may he
Wither, far banisht from th' effeminate bum!
Whatever damsel plucks with wanton hand
This fruitage, never find she one to strum!

Whatever thief who deceives my faith[1] may he wither away, far from the buttocks of a catamite. And whatso girl who with audacious hand plucks off these apples, may she meet with no futterer.

59

Priapus

Praedictum tibi ne negare possis:
si fur veneris, impudicus exis.

Know, lest due warning be denied by thee,
An thief thou come male whore shalt surely flee.

Know this, lest thou shouldst deny being warned, if thou comest a thief thou wilt go dishonoured.[2]

60

To Priapus

Si quot habes versus, tot haberes poma, Priape,
   esses antiquo ditior Alcinoo.

Hadst thou as many of apples as offers of verses (Priapus!),
Richer than Alcinous ancient of days were thy lot.

If as many verses so many apples thou hast dedicated to
thee, O Priapus, thou wilt be richer than of yore Alcinous.

61

To Priapus

Quid frustra quereris, colone, mecum,
quod quondam bene fructuosa malus
autumnis sterilis duobus adstem?
non me praegravat, ut putas, senectus,
nec sum grandine verberata dura,
nec gemmas modo germine exeuntes
seri frigoris ustulavit aura,
nec venti pluviaeve siccitasve,
quod de se quererer, malum dederunt;
non sturnus mihi graculusve raptor
aut cornix anus aut aquosus anser
aut corvus nocuit siticulosus,
sed quod carmina pessimi poetae
ramis sustineo laboriosis.

Why, cultivator, vainly moan to me
That I, a fruitful apple-tree whilom,
For two autumnal seasons barren stand?
Weighs me not down (as deemest thou) old age
Nor am I floggèd by the hailstone hard,
Nor yet my burgeon-gems a-budding new
Are burnt by rigours of a wintry spring:
Neither the winds nor rains nor yet the droughts
Caused just complaining to the apple-tree;
Nor me the starling or the robber 'Daw
Or crow as crone old-grown or watery goose
Or thirsty raven e'er endamagèd.
No! but from bearing scribblers' rubbish verse
On labouring branches comes mine every woe.

Why dost thou vainly complain, O husbandman, that I, once a well-fruited apple tree, ha